


M.I.A

by Madison



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Emotional Baggage, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rope Bondage, Rough Sex, Scars, Sexual Content, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 73,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2843579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madison/pseuds/Madison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time was the enemy; it took and it did not give back. He hides wasting time, forgetting the years that took everything from him. She lurks, hoping to retrieve the time and life that was taken from her. In a wicked twist of fate, their timelines converge. Can they make sense of what their lives has become or will they push each other away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunday, Bloody Sunday

**Author's Note:**

> I should not be doing this. I really shouldn't. I know. I'm sorry. But it's been sitting there for a like a month and I have to post it or it will drive me absolutely insane. So again, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Also, Merry Christmas :)

_Oh great, now I'm lost._

A sigh flowed from her red lips and then she popped them in annoyance. Pale, sticky fingers ran through her wet, sweaty bangs and she pushed the dark locks back, trying to cool off her warm skin. Nobody told her Canada was going to be warm. Wasn't it supposed to be polar bears, meese and igloos? What a load of crap. She took another step forward, the sole of her white sneakers splashing around the brown mud. Why, why did she decide this was a good idea? Technically she was a forest girl. She spent years roaming around the feudal era. This should be an easy task - and yet she felt like a city girl stuck in her worst nightmare.

To be fair, canadian forests were much different from the ones she was used to and - well, she was never that good with directions. Plus her english skills were not quite on point yet. It was enough to travel and get around but apparently not enough to stay on track. The way the wet tip of her ponytail kept swinging across the back of her neck was hard to ignore but she kept focus. This was not the adventure she had in mind. Actually, this was never the life she saw for herself. It all began when the well spat her back in her own time and locked her there. She supposed it was the right way to fix all the loose ends and the screwy timeline but -

It did not mean it was a painless way to end it all.

It hurt, for a long time.

She recovered bit by bit and ended up trying to find ways to move on with her life. The changes happened at a slow pace. She hung out with her friends again but despite her best efforts, it was not the same. They were older, diverging into their own paths and frankly, she was nothing more than a distant memory. In a desperate attempt to regain some normalcy, she dated Hojo. It was a terrible mistake - one she realized a bit too late. She did not have enough to give him and it hardly mattered how hard she tried; she could not love him. Unfortunately it took her six months of dating and a few awkward sexual sessions to realize that.

Kagome also tried returning to school, getting the education she never succeeded in obtaining, but it did not work. After a while she settled on getting some low pay job. She did it full time for a couple of years, never spending a single penny. Then - then the solution flashed through her mind. She took everything and left. Nothing permanent, nothing forever. A few travels, exploring the world. She saw so much and yet nothing. She thought the answer was out there somewhere. Canada was the last one on the list and still she did not find what she was looking for - maybe she asked for too much.

Regardless, she was here. She would make the best out of it - if she ever made it out of those wretched woods. How else was she going to find that drive back? That need that gave her a reason to get up each day?

She extended her arm and pushed some branches out of her face. What she missed was the large brown root sticking from the ground. Her foot hooked around it and before she could stop the fall, she landed on the ground. Her chin was the first to hit, a loud cracking sound echoing through the quietness. She winced, teeth digging in her top lip, drawing blood. The warm liquid spread in her mouth while she zoned out, her brain shaking in her skull. Palms brushed the cold ground while she tried to push herself up. Stars danced in her eyes and all she managed to do was get on her knees. She wiped the blood leaking down her chin before cleaning her hand on her kaki shorts. Fuck. The scent of blood was never a good thing.

She gazed at her surroundings, waiting for everything to stop moving. She was lucky she did not break her jaw. At least one positive thing happened throughout the whole day. Once she felt steady enough, she grabbed on to the evil root that caused her fall and lifted herself up. Her legs were a bit shaky but it she knew she could not stay here. Blood, lost… and it was not getting any earlier? She had to find her way out before they fished her dead body out of a wolf's den. That was crazy. There were no wolves up here… right?

The idea of digging through her backpack for something - anything that might guide her crossed her mind but before she could go through with it, a sound tore her away from her thoughts. Her blue eyes snapped ahead and what she saw took her breathe away; a wolf. That was the fucking worst joke fate could play on her. Her lungs stayed crushed while her eyes met his sad, brown ones. Its fur was an ashy grey, his legs unsteady. Nope. Now that she thought about it, wolves were definitively not in the pamphlet. Running was the option to avoid; it would chase her. It would be a thrill to hunt her down and tear her apart. But she had no desire to run, she was locked in place. It did not feel threatening.

It felt as though all this was familiar.

There was a race of a heart, a heartbeat out of place and then silence.

The wolf was staring at her, never making a move. Its fangs were hidden and it was not growling; only staring. Her left foot dragged across the ground while she quietly, step by step, approached the beast. She expected it to lunge forward - or run away scared, though she never thought a wolf would run away from her. It did neither. It remained where it stood, observing her every movement, her every breathe. The air in her lungs was burning, her skin was prickling with cold sweats of fear. She was insane, she had to be. Her time in the feudal era screwed up her instincts and she was not as afraid as she should be.

None of those thoughts stopped her.

She exhaled, her lips trembling. Come on, you already got this far. She kneeled forward, ready to stretch out her hand to close the distance between them. And then bang. Her palm smacked something hard, the shock of it sending her backward. Her back hit the ground, though it did not hurt as much as she expected. She winced, rubbing the lower part of her back. She slid back up to sit on her rear and then glanced up at whatever she hit. What she saw was not what she expected. In front of her was a man. He was tall with a sturdy built, towering over her which made her feel small and insignificant. A shiver jolted through her spine while her eyes traveled up. Dirty brown boots covered in mud, dark blue jeans and a red and black plaid shirt with a dark t-shirt beneath it.

Kagome tried to steal a peek at his face but it was hidden. Long brown bangs covered his face all the way to his nose. The rest of his long strand of hair were tied up in a pony tail. From her angle she could notice some grey hair peppered through his mane. She could see his mouth though; nice pink lips with a hint of teeth showing. Wait. Teeth showing?

"Get out."

When he spoke his voice was hoarse and deep.

The hair on her arm stood but she tried to keep her composure. "Excuse me?"

"I said get out," he repeated, his voice whispering a warning.

Her glance hardened as she pressed a hand to the ground. A wobble of her body shook to her core while she got herself back on her feet and then put her hands on her hips. "I'm sorry but I wasn't aware anyone owned these woods."

She heard him scoff. "Actually, this is my land."

Wait. What? Nobody owned a forest did they? He was making this up. "You can't own a forest."

"I don't own the forest. I own this part of the land."

"Oh well." She brushed the dust off of her pants. "I - I didn't know that."

"Yeah well now you know." He leaned back. "So now you can get the hell out."

A perfect dark eyebrow arched. "Are you always this nice or am I getting special treatment?"

"I'm not playing games, get out."

For the first time since their conversation began, the wolf made an appearance. It snuck up behind the rude man's leg, using the legs as hiding spot. All Kagome could see was the tip of its nose, clouds of white air forming around it every time the beast exhaled.

"Watch out!"

He scoffed. "I'll be fine."

She should leave. He made it very clear that she was not welcome and he was everything but nice to her. Also, if he was telling the truth, she was trespassing upon his lands. He had every right to kick her out - although he did not have to be so awfully rude about it. She sighed, her shoulders sagging before she admitted defeat. It was probably best to put as much distance as possible between him and her. After all, he was a stranger and he did have a wolf as a pet. He had to be slightly insane. Of course, she was in no position to judge people about their sanity. She was a time traveling miko after all.

"I'll be on my way then."

"You do that."

Kagome turned around, feeling his eyes on her the entire time. There was something off about this man; it was probably all the anger radiating from his body. No wonder he lived alone in the woods. He had no social skills. Again, it felt like the pot calling the kettle.

She took a few steps, kicking leaves with the stained tips of her shoes, until finally she was forced to stop in her tracks. Right this little encounter did not fix her situation at all. One fact remained; she was lost. He might not be the nicest person she ever met but he was probably the only person she would find in this forest. If she did not ask for direction now she might end up wandering around for hours. The darkness was lurking and now that she knew there were wolves around… oh my god he was going to swear at her. Oh well. Kagome turned around only to find what she expected; he was still staring at her.

He was not happy. "What now?"

She sighed. "I'm lost okay?" There was no time to be prideful. "Can you at least tell me which way to go? And then I promise I'll get out of your way forever."

"Somehow I highly doubt that," he sneered. "Keep a straight line. You'll find a big rock. Go left, and then just follow the little path all the way out."

She offered him a sarcastic bow. "Thank you."

For the first time since their abrupt meeting, he tilted his head backwards. Brown bangs swiped to the side, his eyes finally came into view. Bright blue eyes stared at her, their color contrasting with his tan skin. During a few seconds, she did not breathe. A feeling of familiarity washed over her but it quickly faded and she inhaled. The second thing she noticed were the marks on his face. She could not see them before but now they appeared so clear; scars. They covered his cheeks, his forehead…one of them even went across his left eye. What happened to him? She cringed, though she knew she should not. It probably happened from living with all those wolves.

His eyes hardened when the pity shone in her eyes and it forced him to look away from her gaze as though she had burned him. "Well. You said you'd get out of my way."

"Yeah. Don't worry, I keep my promises," she said as she turned around.

She never looked back. Instead, she kept walking straight ahead. What a jackass.

Time turned to minutes which in turn turned to half an hour. Kagome followed the instructions to the dot, she even turned at the rock like he said. Still, his path felt as if it was never ending. At this point, everything looked the same to her; all the trees, all the rocks, all the dirt. The night settled in, the white shiny moon more visible than ever. The sky was battling colors of blackness with hints of blue. Shouldn't she have found her way out by now? She wrapped her frail arms around her body, rubbing the fabric of her shirt in a futile attempt to warm herself up. What options did she have left? Die in the dark? At least her bleeding stopped somewhere along the way.

She sighed, wincing as she thought about her stupidity. She was an idiot. It was not because nothing bad happened so far that nothing was ever going to go wrong. This was proof of it. This whole trip was pointless. It did not give her an answer, it did not make her life better. Despite everything she did nothing changed and everything was the same. Except now she might die, by herself in this wretched forest. She survived demons and Naraku but she was going to die in a cold forest - alone. Then again, was this not the way she was since her return? Alone.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

Her head snapped up at the words and her eyes widened at the sight in front of her. It was that jerk!

He standing in front of her, a black plastic bag in his left hand. It was sagging, probably very heavy, although it did not look like it. He let it hit the ground before taking a few steps in her direction. "What are you still doing here?"

Her eyes fluttered while she resisted the urge to roll them. "I DON'T KNOW!" she screamed out of exasperation. She ran her fingers through her hair ready to pull at the black strands. "I followed your directions and - and apparently… I ended up right back where I started."

"My directions were fine. You're the idiot."

She scoffed. "What is your problem? You've never met me. Why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you, I just want you away from here."

"WHY!"

She was not destroying anything, she was not going through his stuff or anything like that! Why was he so bent on being rude to her?

His blue eyes narrowed and he closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye. Suddenly she could feel the warmth of his body close to hers, but they never made contact. He stared down at her, hands fisted at his sides. "Look, I just want you to go."

"I tried to leave!"

"Then follow the way out again."

"Clearly your directions were wrong!"

"Or you're an idiot!"

"ARGH!" she screamed in rage before putting her hand on his arm and then she pushed him out of her way.

That was the one mistake, the one that shifted everything.

The moment her hands made contact with him, he felt it. It was a bright light that traveled through him, pulsing like the blood in his veins and taking over his aura. He should have remained still but instead, the air was knocked out of his chest and he groaned. He wheezed, bending in two. Only one person felt like this, only one person had this kind of power. But that person was long gone. That person was dead, never to be seen again. For the first time, his features softened and there was a deep pain soaring through his heart. He longed for that touch, he prayed for that beautiful face but he never saw it again.

"Kagome," the name was like a lost whisper on his lips. He said it without even meaning to do it - the feeling was overwhelming.

But it was enough for her to stop.

"What did you say?"

A shiver of fear trailed down her skin and she could no longer move. Her feet were like anchors, keeping her locked in her current position. She might be forgetful, she might speak a lot, but there was one thing she was convinced of; she never told him her name. Her body was trembling, her clothes shaking along with her skin. She barely managed to control her neck enough to turn it but when she did she saw a sight she missed before. It was no longer an angry, bitter man she had in front of her; it was someone else. Kind, blue eyes that burned with a passion. Past the scars there was that well-known tan skin along with the expression of confusion that was oh so familiar. Although, the one thing that truly gave it away was the hint of fangs glimmering beneath his lips.

It was unreal, it was a dream. She was lost in the forest, dying of hunger and thirst and she simply did not know it. This time, it was her turn to whisper. "Kouga?"

Her body wavered with a tingle of familiarity and her breathe remained caught in her throat. Her eyes were locked on him, waiting for him to speak and shatter her illusion but he never did. Instead, he stared back at her, those piercing blue eyes staring straight into her soul. He was about as shocked as she was, his mouth hanging low and his eyes widened. She could not move, she could not close the distance between their bodies. Instead, she felt the tears coming. This was a sick twist of fate. She lost everything. She was forced to move on and forget about all the beautiful years she spent in the Feudal Era. None of it belonged to her anymore.

But there he was - like all of it was real. Forcing her to reel back in memories she buried deep inside. It was not fair, why was life this cruel?

Her heart snapped and she could no longer hold back the tears burning at her eyes. They spilled upon her cheeks, a welcomed warmth upon her cold skin. This time, he was forced to react. She watched him, immobile, while he took long strides in her direction. She never realized how close he was until he wrapped strong, muscular arms around her tiny frame. Her chest collided against his and the air was forced out of her lungs. His large hands shook while he rested them against the small of her back. His nose was tickling the flesh of her skin, warm puff of airs blowing on free strands of her hair. He was real.

She might not want to believe it but she could not ignore the truth spoken by her heart. Her aura, it recognized him. The feel of him, the musky pine scent of his hair - a scent she never knew he had until now, until the memories of it invaded her mind. Kouga was here, in the modern time…and…and he was holding her. In one second, her heart began to swell while a surge of feelings traveled through her. Everything she ignored, everything she pushed deep inside came back to the surface and during a single moment, it felt too much to handle. There was a quiver of her bottom lip but she managed to keep the rest under control.

Then, she let herself feel.

After what appeared to be an eternity, she wrapped her frail arms around his muscular chest, fingers trembling around his shoulder blades. Her nails dug in his skin, right through his shirt but he did not move. Tears stained his clothes but she buried her face deeper in his chest regardless. As she lost herself into the embrace, she suddenly felt him stiffen. She opened an eye, trying to catch a glimpse of his expression but she was too late. His hands moved to her shoulders and he gently pushed her away from his body. His eyes looked the same as before but he was rigid. She chose to ignore it as she smiled at him.

"I - I can't believe this."

"You can't?" he said with a smirk. "You're a five hundred years old human."

She scrunched her face. "Yeah, that's a rather long story."

"I've got time and a house. A warm house."

"Then you have yourself a deal," she replied with a smile.

He grinned at her before leading her deeper into the forest. Her heart fluttered, a good feeling settling in her chest for the first time in a long while.

-M-

"You have gotta be kiddin' me."

His laughter was loud, forcing him to bend in two as his entire body shook. His elbow kept hitting the table, shaking his half full glass of rum.

"Trust me, there is way worse," she said bringing her own glass to her lips. She took a sip, the warm liquid burning her throat as it went down.

She had not drank as much as he had. She was on her fourth glass and it was enough to make her head a little woozy; she was not a frequent drinker. If she took anymore, she might end up drunk on her ass and it was not exactly how she wanted to do this little reunion. Kouga on the other hand had the highest tolerance she had ever seen. He was up to six? seven? Maybe more. And he looked as sober as when he began. Hopefully she would be able to keep a straight face on.

A last laughter died on his lips as he reached out for his drink. He brought it to his lip, downing to whole thing in one shot. He lifted the Jack Daniel's bottle and filled it back up to the brim. He lifted his glance and raised an eyebrow, silently asking her if she wanted more.

She should not but she nodded and he poured her another.

"So," she asked before clearing her throat. "What about you?" She glanced around, taking in the rather rustic appearance of his house. "You clearly made your own house - out of wood. You live in the woods and … what else am I missing?"

He smirked at her but this time, there was something hidden beneath it, a flash of darkness. It was brief but she saw it. "I live by myself." He took a sip. "Just me, a few wolves."

"Real wolves or Ginta and Hakkaku?" she said with a grin. It was impossible for those two to have left Kouga alone. They followed him to the end of the world and she did not see that changing. Even if they got a family of their own. There was not a single thing they would not do for Kouga.

"Wolves."

She swallowed hard as cold atmosphere set around them. There was no funny reunion, no deep laugh and no joy; it was all dead. Instead, there was the shiver of death surrounding them and she was afraid to ask. His voice was bitter and deep; he did not want to talk about it. One thing was clear; Ginta and Hakkaku were no longer around. A rolling feeling turned her stomach around while emptiness settled in. She wondered if the heart palpitations and the nausea was due to the alcohol or her current nervousness. She let her fingers glide across the rim of her glass, her digits shaking. Maybe she did need another drink.

One gulp and it was gone.

"Pretty tame for wolves," she stuttered.

He scoffed. "Yeah, well, that's cause you're nice. You're lucky he didn't eat you alive." He forced a smile. "You're the only one who would approach a wild wolf."

"Yeah, I was never really good at noticing the danger around me."

He saved her a few times and was there in the first row watching her clumsily fight her way through the feudal era.

This time, he did not ask. He picked up the rum and filled her glass back up along with his. She could not help but wonder how he was able to handle this much alcohol. Youkai or not, he was about to finish the bottle - that had to impact him somehow.

"So you got anything else more comfortable than this wooden chair? My back is killing me." It was mostly due to the hiking she did recently but a change of atmosphere would be welcomed. Maybe it would lessen the tension surrounding them.

"You better watch it," he teased. "I built that myself."

"Impressive," she said glancing at it. "But I don't think it's made for weak humans."

He chuckled while wrapping his fingers around his glass. "Well, I didn't build my couch. So we could try that."

"Couch it is," she said with a smile.

She got up from the chair, her glass in her hand and she waited for him. They had yet to do the tour of the house and she had no idea where she was headed. He picked up the bottle from the table and began to lead the way. The house was compact but it did not mean it was small. He kept the wood as it was, never painting over anything and the decoration was rustic. It had its charm and it was large enough especially for him alone. Though she did not want to think about him being all alone because she did not want to think about the story behind it and the pain he was hiding in his heart.

When she saw him, in the woods, he looked angry and bitter then he became the good old Kouga again. They laughed, they drank, she told him the story of her time traveling ways - and then the Kouga she knew was gone again.

Was the happy Kouga a facade?

He led her to a brown leather couch and he sunk in the middle seat. She sat beside him, only a little bit of space between their bodies. He put the bottle of rum down on the pine table and kept his glass in his hand. "Better?"

"Much better," she said as she leaned into the couch.

Yes, it was better here than over there. His smile was back on his face and he appeared more relaxed; perhaps earlier was nothing more than a flux. Maybe there was still the happy Kouga somewhere in there. There was a happy Kagome left inside of her. Why would it not be the same for him? It might be her lack of social skills that was showing. She was not used to talking to people anymore.

"So, what do you do?"

"What do you mean?" Another sip.

"You live in the woods. What do you do? Do you work? Do you farm?"

He laughed. "Farm?"

"I don't know," she said while leaning her head into the couch. Her head was beginning to feel quite heavy. At first it was fun, it was bubbly but now, she felt her own hopeless sneak in. She was not comfortable anymore. She feared she might say the wrong thing, she feared she might over share. There were things she was not going to tell him - or anyone. There were parts of herself that were for her own privacy and nothing else. He looked like he had some of those secrets as well.

"I do some wood work. I don't have a phone. I built the house. The land is mine."

"I'm sorry?" she said, laughter escaping her. "You don't have a phone?"

"I don't have anyone I need to call."

There it was, the stabbing pain in her chest that told her she went too far. He was not expanding upon the subject but he was letting out those littles calls. Was she being a bad friend because she did not ask? Technically they were not friends…they had not seen each other in a long time. The more time she spent beside him, the more she realized he was not the Kouga she used to know. He was someone else. He was almost a stranger and she did not know if it was scary or thrilling.

She approached her glass to her lips with a shaky hands. Once she downed half of it, she made a sour face. God that was disgusting. She took a deep breathe and turned her head, letting it slump against the couch because fuck it was too heavy for her to lift it. "What happened?"

"What?"

"What happened to Ginta and Hakkaku?"

She held her breathe and watched him as he focused on his drink. Old Kouga would have answered her but this Kouga - she did not know what to expect from him. She needed this, she needed to find her friend. After all the shit that happened, after everything that went down, she needed some comfort and solace. He was supposed to be the answer to that. Why would life do this to her? She found him and now he was not who she thought? No, it was not fair. She went through hell and back. She broke herself into tiny pieces and now she was - still broken. She went here to find herself and she found nothing.

Not even him.

"They died." He scoffed. Died was the wrong word. "They were killed."

His voice was deep laced with a gloom she did not know he had. She swallowed hard while her fingers gripped at the couch. She should not have asked; she was as clumsy as ever.

Kouga knew he should not say anything - he should not even have begin this conversation. He should have lied, should have said there were somewhere in the world but - she took him by surprise. She was not supposed to be here, she was not supposed to be alive. Nobody talked about his past because nobody knew the truth about him. She knew him then and she knew - she knew his relationship with Ginta and Hakkaku. When was the last time he heard their names? He felt his grasp around his glass tightened, the feeble glass ready to give up under his tight grip. Their names. It reminded him of their gruesome deaths.

Of all that happened.

He did not say another word. He finished his glass again. She let her sigh out and then, let her head drop completely until it touched his shoulder. Again, he stiffened but this time, he let his body relax after a moment. She felt him shift his head until he was probably looking at her. His warm breathe puffed against his hair and she shivered for a second.

He was glad. She got out at the right time. She managed to have a happy life - she sounded happy. He remembered some of her words through the haze of alcohol. She mentioned school, work, travels and a boyfriend? Maybe. He was not sure. Five hundred years ago he was sure he was the perfect one for her. Now he was glad she found someone that was not him.

"Do you have a bathroom?"

"Nah I pee outside."

She blinked. She could not tell; was he serious? She should not have closed her eyes; it made it all worse. Her head was heavy, her mind was a bit fuzzy and tiredness was creeping over. The injury from earlier along with her extreme tiredness was not helping either. Sleep. Sleep would be good. No, bathroom first. Wait, did he pee outside for real?

"I'm kidding," he said as he bumped into her, shaking her head. "It's to your left."

She nodded before forcing her eyes opened. Kagome dragged her ass across the leather before putting her feet down to the ground. She lifted herself in one swift motion, thinking she would stand on stable feet; she was wrong. Instead, she found herself leaning to the left and her eyes opened wide in panic. She braced herself for the impact, knowing more pain was coming her way. Fortunately for her, she never met the ground. Instead, a strong body was pressed against hers while sturdy arms held her up.

"And I think someone had too much to drink."

"Not my fault you're a drunk."

She meant it as a joke, he knew that; the teasing was obvious in her voice. But - he did not take it that way. Drunk. He was a drunk. He had no phone, no friends, no family. What else should he spend his money on? It did make him a drunk. Honestly what else was he supposed to do all day long? Reminisce about the good old days? The days where everyone died, where he lost his friends and they died in his arms? Maybe he should think about the wars, the time he was captive, the torture? Perhaps that would make his days better. No, alcohol was the answer. It never let him forget but it numbed him out.

It let him live until the end.

Because he could not take his own life. Not after what his people sacrificed. He would never forgive himself. His punishment was living.

"Come on," he said as he pushed her back on her feet. "You're gonna lay down."

"I don't sleep here. I have a hotel," she pointed out. She already extended her stay and she was not about to impose on his life.

"And whatcha gonna do? Walk back there? Drunk?"

He had a point. "Sorry."

"Kagome," he reprimanded. "It might have been five hundred years but you're still pack." Honor; it kept him going. He was not about to go back on his promises. Also, he was not able to save anyone. He watched them all die. Her current situation might not be as serious but she needed help and he was not about to turn her around.

"Immana take the couch," she said as he tried to move her to another room.

"You're not taking the couch."

"Yes I am."

He touched her when he first saw her. He forgot all about it and he wrapped his arms around her because in that moment he had seen a ghost. It allowed him to forget about the rest. Not anymore. Now he was aware of her body and his. He did remember how stubborn she was and he feared she was not leaving him with many options. He took a deep breathe and snuck his arms around her knees, lifting her from the ground. Panic ran through her drunken mind and she latched on to him as though she was about to crash upon the floor.

"I ain't gonna drop you," he said, almost insulted.

But her head remained buried in his chest and she refused to let go of his shirt. It was not until he stopped moving that she dared to move her head. She glanced around, noticing that they were in a completely different room. His bedroom. It was simple; a double bed covered in a dark green comforter, two pillows, a dresser and a bedside table. That was it. Nothing else, nothing warm, nothing to personalize it. Gently, he laid her down on the bed and she let him. As a matter of fact she took advantage of that opportunity to stare at him. The Kouga she knew was a wild, young boy with a puppy crush on her. This Kouga was a man. He was tall, strong, no longer lean but muscular and large instead. His face was covered in scars, scars she did not dare to ask about, while his eyes spoke darkness and history. And the hair. There was grey in his hair. He was a real man, a dangerous one.

One she should be scared of but she was not. Instead, the sight of him send her insides coiling. Hojo, the only man she knew, was a boy, sweet and pure and joyful. He touched her lightly, he was slow, he was kind. And none of that did it for her. It did nothing to feed the void in her, it did nothing to take away the pain. It only made her heart soar in pain. But Kouga. Kouga was - he was like her.

That was the look in his eyes. He was broken.

"You can sleep here," she mumbled against the blanket.

She was sending signals she did not know she was emitting. He knew the smell of his house and that spicy, vanilla scent? It was coming from her, it was coming from her warm core; she was aroused. And asking him to sleep in the same bed as her.

"I'm taking the couch."

He did not even glance at her again. He left the room and headed straight to the living room. He walked like a robot, his movement stiff and his eyes empty. He dropped his body on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He was not going to fuck her. He was not going to touch her. He did not want her to touch him. When he left her in the bedroom he saw it; the sadness in her eyes. But despite how she might feel, she was not broken. She was good, she was Kagome. She got everything. Or at least he thought she did. The conversation was fuzzy. Why was she aroused by him?

It did not matter.

He did not want her hands on him. He did not want to feel another being touch him and he certainly did not want her to see the mess that was his body. She was good, too good. And he was nothing.

The couch was fine. Nobody should sleep on it but it was not a problem.

It was not as though he slept. Awake was better.

The night and the slumber brought forth nightmares.

He could not handle the nightmares.

-M-


	2. Road to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: CHAPTER 2 AGAIN? Yes. I know some of you wondered where it disappeared to - and I'm sorry. I wasn't please with it and I couldn't keep it up. It had been written for a while but I don't know, re-reading it, it didn't feel right with me. So it's 70% ? the same. But I added a few things and changed up others.
> 
> So here we go again for chapter 2!

_She was dead_.

There were no other explanation for the extreme pounding inside of her head. She tore her face away from the pillow, removing her cheek from the wetness she left behind.  _Ugh, drool_. She wiped the corner of her mouth while keeping her eyes shut;  _she could not open them_. There was a buzzing in her mind and the more she moved, the worse she felt. Her stomach was churned, the content of it ready to come back out.  _Oh god_. Her throat burned, the bile rising up. Kagome's body was tangled with brown sheets, leaving her stuck, confused and somewhat panicked. She tried to find the edge of the bed but unfortunately for her, her bearings were out of balance. Instead of hanging her head off the edge, she completely rolled off.

 _And thud_. She landed on the floor, her left arm receiving most of the shock. Her head began to spin and the vomit rose up to her mouth. Her cheeks swelled and her mouth became filled with the disgusting remnants of her last meal. She struggled to make it on all four, the room around her refusing to remain still. She dragged herself across the floor, her eyes squinted. There was not that much light but it was already too intense for her poor little eyes and her hangover brain. She blindly moved around, hoping that she would eventually find the exit. She did not remember the layout of the room and frankly she did not remember what _anything looked like_.

Somewhere in the background, she heard a similar thud. Did she drop something? No, no it sounded like someone hoped on their feet.

"Kagome?" The word came out like a harsh breathe.

 _Kouga_. She forced her head backwards and tried to look at him. She peeped, seeing his shape through the bright  _so fucking_  bright light. His fists were clenched by his sides. " _Bathroom_ ," she slurred out, trying to keep the content of her stomach  _inside_  her mouth.

There was a sigh of relief, then she heard a small chuckle and she wanted to be mad at him but could not find the strength to do it at that precise moment.  _Later_. A hand gently wrapped itself around her wrist and she felt him tug her upwards. She landed on her feet, leaning forward, and he kept her steady. Once she was stable, he pushed her in the right direction and she left as fast as her wobbly legs allowed her. He peeked his head through the door opening, just in case. The door slammed and he winced as he heard her loudly drop to the ground.  _Then the vomiting_ came. Though even if he retracted back into the bedroom he could loudly hear it, meaning there was no escaping it.

Kagome felt like she was wringing her insides as burning, chunky liquid kept coming out of her mouth. She heaved, she cried, but nothing stopped the nightmare from happening. She clutched her tiny, trembling digits around the porcelain white toilet. She wanted to prevent the split ends of her hair from dipping into the disgusting water but she could not. Pulling her hair away meant letting go of the toilet and she knew for a fact that she could not do it. She rested her cheek against the bowl and it felt  _cold_. She needed cold; her entire face was on fire and she could feel the sweat dripping down her neck.

After what felt forever, her stomach finally settled down.

She did not drink much in the past and ever since she began traveling she put it aside. She did not want to be a  _drunk_  girl traveling alone. She had a few drinks once in a while in her hotel room but that was it. Except for that, it was all alcohol free since - many years ago. Perhaps she went overboard during the previous night. She ran her fingers through her sweaty bangs, pushing them to the side. That was it, no more alcohol. She grabbed the edge of the bath and lifted herself up. Her stomach swirled but she knew she would not throw up again.  _Though_  there had to be something she could do about her pounding headache, right?

Kagome grazed the walls as she tried to remember her way to the kitchen. It was the only room she remembered clearly from yesterday. After a while, she reached it and found that it was  _shiny_. She shielded her eyes with her hand and moved over to a wooden chair. She plopped down and then hid her face in her arms.

"Rough morning?" he teased.

"How are you alive?" she whined.

"I've had a lot of fucking practice." He cleared his throat and then, slid a glass across the table. It bumped her arm but she did not lift her head. "Drink this, it will help."

She groaned but moved her head anyway. Her eyes closed, she swung the drink to her lips and drank it in one shot, thinking she would obtain sweet relief. It was the opposite. As soon as the warm liquid made it's way down her throat she regretted it.  _What the fuck_?

"Rum?"

"Fight the enemy with the enemy."

 _She was going to be sick again_. She spat back what she could and then finally looked at him. He appeared to be as fresh as a daisy. He had a glass of his own in his hand and she guessed it was rum as well. How did he do it? It was - alright she did not know what time it was but she could guess by the dazzling sun that it was very early - too early to be alive and certainly too early to be drinking. He had his signature ponytail on but he was dressed differently than last night - unlike her. He had a pair of jeans on and a black t-shirt. He was sloshed across his chair like he was drinking water and enjoying his day.

If she thought  _her morning_  was hell, she should have seen his morning.

 _His left eye twitched as sounds pulled him out of his slumber. It was not really a slumber. It was more his usual three minutes nap. He sat up in his bed, panicked, and glanced left and right_.  _It was at that moment that he remembered Kagome was sleeping over. He was not used to having company over. The only company he ever had never stayed the night. He threw his legs off the couch and hopped to his feet. Quietly, he headed in direction of his bedroom, trying to make sense of the noises. Was she hurt? Was she having a bad dream? Once he reached the door, he quietly opened it, making sure not to wake her in the process. Inside, he found Kagome laying on her back, her entire body spread across the bed._

_But he could not simply walk out of the room and leave her be. No, he could not. Because there was a little sound coming from her; moans. And she was not in pain._

_The spiciness from earlier was present but this time around it was more intense. He felt a twinge in his chest and then guilt settled in; this was not right. He should not stay for this._

_"Kou-ga."_

_His ears twitched and he froze in his step. He could not move, he could not leave so he stood there with the door in his hand and exhaled. That was his name right? She just said his name. No, he should stick to his initial plan; he had to leave because it was her own privacy and it had nothing to do with him. Alright, it seemed to have a little bit to do with him…but it was a bad plan altogether. His same arguments as before stood and they would never waver. Kagome was good, too good for him and he would not go near her. Her presence simply brought back long lost, buried feelings._

_"Mmhmm."_

_She moved, her hand smacking against her stomach and sliding around. Alright, he had to leave. He was exhaling through his nostrils, forcing them to flare. One second? Would one second kill him? It was too late. The thought ran through his mind and now he was already kneeling beside the bed. And it was as if she knew he was there because she turned to her side, her face ending up close to his. "Mhmm."_

_He closed his eyes, resting his head along the side of the bed. There was a softness and quietness surrounding her and it spread through him. It was never quiet in his head; there were always the whispers of the past that refused to leave him alone. But not when he was near her._

_"Kouga_."

_Again with his fucking name. He groaned and opened his eyes again. Her lips were parted, her warm breath tickling him, and there was a slight shake of her hips. Alright. He jumped to his feet like a scared deer and actually sped out of the room. Once he was on the other side, he pressed his back to the door and inhaled slowly. He did not control his emotions the way he used to - now they overwhelmed him. He stared down at his hands and noticed the shaking. He clenched them into fists and pulled himself from the door._

_He could not have her_.

He shook his head at the memory and chose to focus on something  _other_  than her moans.

"Then how 'bout some aspirins and a damn good greasy breakfast?"

"That actually sounds a lot better."

He was not one to use  _pills_  but he kept them around. He used them in his garden to keep away infections so that he might keep his flowers, plants and food healthy. He was a wolf - a carnivore - and enjoyed meat but that meant either hunting or money. He avoided civilization as much as he could and thus he lived on some money he gathered along the way and the odd jobs. He kept some of his money for alcohol, the rest for food. If he could grow some of his food, it saved him a bit of cash. And that was how he got used to eating fruits and vegetables - it was a whole lot cheaper.  _And it sucked_. Sometimes he splurged, got himself some bacons, some eggs and other things.

Kagome was a good excuse to use them.

He rushed to the bathroom and then, retrieved two aspirins for her. He came back to the kitchen and dropped them on the table. She thanked him with a nod and he headed towards his fridge. "Eggs and bacon?"

"I'm not huge on bacon. But today? Yes."

Kouga smirked while he got everything out and laid it out on the counter. Meanwhile, Kagome took the aspirins and shoved them in her mouth. She had three choices; ask him for water, down them with the spat out rum or try to swallow them with nothing. Nothing it was. She filled her mouth with spit and then swallowed them. She winced, forced them down and then finally let out a sigh. Hopefully they were magically instantaneous pills if not, she would not make it through the day. Considering how well Kouga was doing on his alcohol remedy, she was almost tempted to try it but she knew better.

She laid her head on the table and waited while the bacon and eggs sizzled away. Moments later, he set a plate in front of her and the scent of food filled her nostrils. She did not know if she was hungry or sick; time to find out. Usually she would not want to put food in her stomach so quickly after throwing up but at this point she felt it was the only thing that might help settled her bad stomach. She picked up the fork and shoved some food in. She chewed, swallowed and then waited a few seconds.  _It was fine_. As she kept eating, Kouga sat down beside her and began eating his own breakfast, his glass of rum right by his side.

He could handle his alcohol well. He drank last night, he drank this morning. It was there on her mind but she did not want to say it out loud. Maybe it was a phase, maybe he was having a bad week. She did not know his whole life. She got bits and pieces of his pasts but nothing else - nothing concrete.

"Where's your hotel?"

"Apparently, I don't even know," she said with a smile.

He chuckled. "I'm guessing it's the crappy hotel outside of the woods?"

She nodded. "I didn't wanna splurge, it's been a long trip."

"When are you going home?"

"I don't know. I was waiting 'til I ran out of money."

"That's one way to go about it."

"I figured once that happens… I'll have to go home. No more excuses." A useless trip. She spent what little money she had and got nothing in return. What did she learn? What did she figure out? Absolutely nothing. It was pointless and now - she would have to go home and face the consequences of her actions. She did not know what she wanted to do with her life. She had no goals, no dreams. Why couldn't she have an epiphany or something?

"Stay here."

She blinked. "What?"

"Stay here," he repeated as he put his metal fork down. "Way cheaper than a hotel." He enjoyed his privacy, he liked being alone but - this was not some human, this was Kagome. Plus, she helped him and his pack in times of need and now, she was the one who needed something. It was clear that she had no desire to go home yet. She talked brightly and happily about her trip but he could smell the disappointment. She did not get what she set out to obtain. He could do this  _for_  her. He could let her stay.

He could handle it. He proved it last night when he walked away. Plus he already knew he did not deserve her.

"In your house?" she asked, baffled. He had been welcoming but she did not want to extent her stay. Kouga had been quite rude until he figured out who she was which led her to believe he was not a fan of people. That was a complete turn around from what he used to be. But she had no intention of commenting on it. "Are you sure? I mean, my hotel is fine."

"Is that all you have?" he asked while gesturing to her backpack.

She nodded.

"Do you need to go back there for anything?"

"No. They have my credit card on file."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Then fuck it; stay."

"Kouga -"

"It's fine. I'm always alone. Plus, I'm sure we got a lot of catching up to do." He almost winced at his own words. He did not want to  _share_  what he had been doing during all those years. He did not mind hearing about  _her_  stuff but - there was no need to let her know about his past. "Unless your boyfriend is waiting for ya?"

"Boyfriend?" she asked with her eyebrows furrowed.

He nodded. "Didn't ya say you had one?"

"So maybe  _you were_  a little tipsy," she replied with a smile. "I said  _ex-_ boyfriend."

That did explain why he smelled her arousal last night - and the dream. Although he knew it was flux - she did not want him. She had no desire to be with him five hundred years ago and that had not changed. Especially considering what he was now. Even the simple fact of keeping her around was bad but - she needed somewhere to stay and… he wanted to look at her… just a bit longer. She was a nice refreshing memory of when things used to be good. She was pure, precious and kind. He wanted to hold on to that for a while. He knew how it would end; more destructive than it began. But it hardly mattered. He could not be more fucked up than he already was.

" _Trust me_  nothing to go back to."

"You mean nobody's speeding around, trying to shove flowers in your face and screaming from mountain tops?"

"Nah. Well, there was that one idiot but  _he stopped_."

"I'm sure he was a handsome idiot."

It was flirting -  _almost_. Almost because she would never want to go down that road despite the arousal he smelled last night.  _And_  he would not either. Can't really fuck someone when you don't want them to touch you. Kagome was precious, a jewel. He would ruin her. He would destroy her and she did not need that. He did not need that. But he needed her presence, a moment to act as though nothing happened. He was good at pretending. He had years to perfect that little trick.

"Meh."

He grinned and she smiled back at him.

This was easy. She could talk to him, she could tease him. She could not even do that in the past - not without fear that she might encourage unwanted attentions. That was no longer the case. First, he appeared completely disinterested in her that way - she remembered asking him to share the bed - and second of all,  _there was something about him_. He was everything at once. The past, the answer, the soothing feeling she went searching for - and he had life here. She could not even dream about having a life that made sense to her but he figured it all out. She wanted to suck the answers out of him. Perhaps it was a good idea to stay here with him.

Because once her trip was over, she would go back to that life. The thing that was her life now. And she wanted to know how much of a life she needed to fake. Would any of it be real?

"I'll stay."

For a moment, he was slightly distracted. That spicy vanilla scent was there again. She was aroused? He did not say anything that would provoke that reaction. Was he mistaken? Was it not a representation of her arousal?

"Good."

"But I am gonna need a good shower."

"There's a river nearby." Her eyes narrowed and he smirked. "Or you know a shower inside."

There was something about the way his lips tugged that forced a own smile on her face. "I'll go for the shower."

" _Cold_  shower."

She popped her lips. "Shower anyway." She experienced the wilderness enough. Cold or not, she wanted modern plumbing.

"There are towels in there. You remember where it is?"

"The place where I threw up my life? Yes, I have a vague memory."

He chortled and it shifted something inside of her; it was deep, sending chills down her spine. She tossed a smile his way and then dropped her fork in her empty plate. At least the food was staying down and it was more than she could have asked for at the moment. She was about to get up and wash her dish when he stopped her by getting up. "It's fine, I'll take care of it."

"Kouga -"

"I said I'll take care of it."

Kagome wanted to argue with him but the look in his eyes did not leave much for room for argumentation. She let a small sigh slip her before dropping her plate on the table. "Thank you." Her fingers brushed up against his arm but it was too brief for her to notice how he stilled.

He offered her a nod and she forced a smile. She was not raised this way; she did not like letting someone else do things for her. He was offering her a place to stay, he was giving her food, cleaning up after her… and she even had his bed. None of it was fair. Perhaps she could buy him some groceries? She noticed he did not have much. Although before she did that, she needed to know her way around this damn forest. There was no way she was getting lost again. She might not find her way back to his house again.

She stole a glance at him, watching the way his shoulders remained stiff. He was always on alert, keeping a distance from her. He used to be all over her and now, he touched her when he had to. At least it was the impression he was giving her. What happened to him? Why so many scars?

She shook her head, telling herself it was none of her business.

Plus, she had a cold shower to take.

-M-

The rest of the day went by quite uneventfully. Kouga decided to take advantage of the sun, and showed her around his house. She had a chance to see his gardens and she saw a hint of his wolves. There were a few of them but they did not get too close. She wondered if it was because they disliked humans or Kouga kept them at bay. After that she got a proper tour of his house. It was slightly awkward, especially since he did not have any attachment to anything in his house. It was there because it had to be there not because he wanted it there. But she made sure to not comment on it.

Afterwards, it was slightly complicated to find another activity. There was not even a TV in his house. She was convinced it was part of the basic utilities but not in his world. After a while, they settled down on the couch and they began talking again. She was unable to get a lot of word outs of him but she did learn that he had built his house 30 years ago. Although how people around him did not notice how he aged up, she did not know. Then again, he did not seem like he got out much so that probably helped him not blow up his cover.

The entire time Kouga sipped a drink. He did not offer her one again but when he finished rum bottle, and came pack with vodka, he brought a few glasses along. Were they all for him or not? Drinking two days in a row? Were they celebrating something she was not aware of? Then again, she was in no position to judge his lifestyle. She did not make the best decisions and right now everything about her was a mess. Maybe he was going through a rough patch and he needed this. Maybe he even felt awkward because she was not joining him in drinking. Alcohol? After the way she threw up? Maybe a glass or two?

She sighed, resigning herself before bending forward and grabbing the bottle. She slowly poured some in a glass and then, rested her back against the couch again. She could feel him  _staring_  at him but she refused to peek his way. Instead, she focused on getting the first sip over with. At first she expected to wince and scrounge up her nose but none of that happened. As the alcohol settled down her throat, it actually  _filled_  her. Alright, it was not nearly as bad as she thought it would be. She let her shoulders relax and leaned further into the comfortable cushion.

It was at that moment that Kouga got up and her eyes followed him as he exited the room. Did he leave because she took some of his alcohol? Surely she could not have misinterpreted his intentions…right? Her heart raced for a moment until he popped back in. When he came into view, there was a bottle of vodka in his hands.  _Oh_.

"Want some more?" She did not want to be the one to finish the bottle.

He watched her, her long legs stretched across the table, her arms close to her body, pushing her chest out while her long locks surrounded her face. Her jeans were tight, moulding her curves and her hips while her simple t-shirt was enough to give him a hint of cleavage while remaining modest. And then there was that nearly empty bottle dangling from her hand. He took long strides all the way to the couch and plopped down beside her, leaving space between their bodies. He reached out for the bottle, his body hovering over hers but never making contact, and he took a long gulp. It burned down his throat, just the way he liked it and then, put the bottle on the table, right beside the other one.

Alright. Apparently they had another bottle to get through. She gathered her courage and brought her glass to her lips, letting the liquid squish around her mouth before swallowing her gulp.

"Decent lunch," she said with a smirk.

He chuckled. "As good as any."

Those eggs and bacon were good though. Where did he got those anyway? "So, there are grocery stores in the forest?"

"Smart ass. There is a town nearby."

"Hard to tell with the way you isolate yourself."

"Towns are too loud."

That she could understand. Sometimes the sounds of civilizations bothered her and she did not have a sensitive hearing. Still, she thought it was just an excuse to explain why he was so far from every living person.

"Your wolves don't come inside?"

"Sometimes." They were wild animals. They preferred the outside - but sometimes they came to him. He was their alpha.  _Alpha_. He hated that word, he did not want to be anyone's alpha anymore. He left that life behind - hence why he did not live with other ookamis. Not that many of them were left alive anymore.

Was it her or the ambiance was slightly awkward? Was she imagining it?  _Perhaps she did need another drink_.

Hours passed and though Kagome did her best to not drink too much, Kouga's tolerance won. Sometimes he talked and she did stare at him but it was difficult to focus.  _How was this possible?_ He began drinking before her! And she tried to keep herself under control. He drank over three bottles by himself. Youkai or not -  _this was crazy_. She kept her sips to a minimum but she managed to get drunk. At least he was talking more than before. Though at some point she did notice the conversations were superficial. Or perhaps it was because her drunken mind kept focusing on his scars. There was no explanation for them. She managed to keep her eyes locked with his most of the time…but sometimes it slipped her. Her glance would shift from one scar to another, trying to figure out the mystery behind them.

"Why isn't there youkais anymore?"

Kouga arched an eyebrow, his face hidden by his glass. It was the question he did not want her to ask. That and  _where's Inuyasha_.

"Humans didn't like them."

The sound of his voice made her shiver. From his tone alone, she could guess what he meant by those words.  _Humans_  were the reason why there were not many youkais around? She assumed they did lessen in numbers but that the rest of them hid amongst humans to spend the rest of their lives quietly. Her mind made a terrible association with the scars on his body and it took all of her self-control to not let her eyes fill with tears.  _Did_ humans do this to him? Kouga was strong, she saw him destroy humans, villages and yet humans were able to damage him this much? How? Her drunken mind supplied a lot of images and she was unable to chase them out of her head.

"Kouga -"

"It was a long time ago, Kagome." This time, his voice was different; it was cold. There was no longer that rich tone that tickled her from the inside.

Did she think he could not smell the scent of pity coming off of her? He did not want this. He swiped the bottle from the table and downed the rest of it. "I'm gonna get another one."

His grip on the neck of the bottle forced the glass to break but it did not shatter. It simply cracked around his fingers.  _He needed to shut his mouth_. Maybe the whole living situation was the worst idea he could have had. He roamed his fingers through the bottles and picked one. He opened it, poured some in his mouth and then headed back to the living room. He had to admit, she gave him a run for his money. He always drank but never this much back to back. Even he could feel the slight tingle in his fingers. At this point, Kagome was probably  _drunk_. Second night he got her drunk.

She trusted him too much.

He sat back down beside her, leaving even more space between them than before.

She leaned forward, reaching out for her glass - because he got glasses after a while - and plopped back down. Unfortunately for her, the glass was full. Her semi drunken state caused her to overspill a part of her drink all over her black pants. As soon as she felt the cold liquid spread and wet her skin through the pants, she groaned.  _Great_. Because she had  _so many clothes_  with her and she could afford to ruin a pair. She put the glass back down and turned to Kouga.

"Sorry, I hope I didn't ruin your couch."

"It's fine, do you need something? Like a cloth?"

"Nah, I'll just change pants."

She got up while gripping the edge of the couch and took a few seconds to keep herself steady.  _Getting up after getting drunk_? Bad idea. Her head began to swirl while she headed towards the bedroom. She clutched the wall, dragging her fingers along to make sure she would not fall on her ass. As soon as she got into the bedroom, she sat down on the bed to take off her pants. She tugged, she struggled, but after falling on the bed, she managed to kick them off her legs. Once she sat back up again, she took a deep breathe, putting her hands to her head.  _God_  would this dizziness ever stop?

Kagome opened her eyes fully searching for her other pants.  _Oh fuck_. Her bag was not in here. She left it in the living room after her shower. She sighed, annoyed and lifted herself up again. She dragged her feet along the floor and then peeked out. For a moment, it was difficult to remember the way back. Did she really drink that much? She advanced slowly until she was done with the hall and back in the living room. And then, at that instant, as the cold air wrapped around her legs, she realized something; she was in her black underwear.

A shriek past her lips and her first instinct was to run. Except running was about the worst idea. Instead of spinning around and heading towards the bedroom, she ended up stepping on her own feet. As she felt herself fall backwards, her shaky hands reached out for anything they could and they  _did_  find something; fabric. And she tugged like hell. She hit the ground, wincing in pain while something heavy fell on top of her. She groaned as she felt like her lungs were crushed. She managed to open her eyes slightly and found herself staring right into Kouga's face. His eyes were hard and his hands were crisp by her sides.

"K-kouga?"

The thing to ask was if she  _was_  okay but she did not trust the expression in his eyes. His entire body was stiffed and his jaw was clenched. She raised a hand, hovering over his face but never touching it. Though his body was hard, he was close, so close that she could feel his breathe tickling her lips. A heat formed in her stomach and her thighs clenched for a second. She tilted her head upwards, her chin dipping up but she hesitated. She licked her lips, the heat of her face rising as she dared to inch up to his lips. And then, she pressed them against his. His biceps bulged besides her as she worked her mouth on his. Her whole body was numb from the alcohol, giving her an edge and courage she would not have without it.

After a few seconds, she nearly regretted her gesture. He did not return it, he did not move. Worst of all; the tension in his body was increasing by the second.

Then, it all changed. Despite the clenched jaw, he began to move his lips against hers, lighting a fire in her loins. His gestures were rough, possessive and dominant. A tongue lapping at her, a fang nibbling her bottom lip.  _She was right_. He was what she needed. What she wanted. A hard length pressed into her leg and she thrusted forward. She moaned in his mouth and let her tongue swipe across the seam of his lips. He parted them and she took advantage of the opportunity. Her hands itched by her sides and she finally did; she put them on each side of his face and deepened the kiss, her tongue twirling with his while she pushed her breasts to his rigid chest.

And then, when she thought he was about to put his hands on her, he instead tore his lips from hers.

"I'm s-s-orry."

She furrowed her eyebrows as he lifted himself from on top of her. She saw him struggling to his feet and before she could even stop him, he made a run for the bathroom. She pushed herself up to a sitting position and stared at the emptiness in front of her. She did not mean to  _kiss_  him - it happened and now… now she did something she apparently could not take back. A sigh past her lips as she fell flat on the ground. Would she be able to pretend that she did not remember? It had been going well - and she ruined it.  _Stupid, stupid_.

Meanwhile Kouga closed the door of the bathroom, making sure to not let it slammed. He did not want her know or see what he was. What he had become. His hands trembled and he gripped the sink in an attempt to stop their shaking. His thoughts were filled with memories he did not want and now, he had new ones to add to the list; her lips, her hands, her soft touch. He wished that was his only problem. Except, he was  _hard_. She had only kissed him, barely touched him, and he was hard. His cock pressed against his jeans and he cursed himself out loud. It was not like he was a monk, he did partake in the pleasure of the flesh sometimes.

A girl out there in town. Not a resident of the town - no, never. Simply someone passing through. It went according to very specific rules but it was enough to lessen the building desire inside of his chest. It was quick and it was to get rid of the effects of -  _what happened to him_. It happened out of the blues. His thoughts would centre and he would have this urge, one he needed to take care of. And he did. But not with girls that were Kagome. Not with Kagome. He was undeserving and she was flawless. He could not speak of this again and he would not let it happen a second time.

He turned on the faucet, listening to the water flow in the hopes that it would calm him down. He closed his eyes, focusing on his heartbeat and doing his best to slow it down.  _It was okay_. He was okay.  _She was okay_.

Memories flooded his mind and his forehead crunched up.

 _His body was weak and numbed out, the cold air wrapping around his body and spreading a shiver down his spine. He could not even muster the strength to open his eyes and there was a vivid pounding in his head. He tried to lick his lips but his mouth felt like cotton. There was a warmth trickling down his arm - blood_.  _At least his nose remained functional. The same thing could not be said about the rest of his body. He tried to move his limbs but they remained still. Why could he not move his body? To add to his worries, blood was not the only scent filling his nose. The putrid aroma of death was circling him and he was almost glad he could not open his eyes. He knew his pack member by scent, not by sight._

_And the scents - they crushed his heart._

_Suddenly, there were sounds filling the vicinity. He heard the footsteps and his body stiffened; he could not recognize the scent or the aura. Who was this stranger? Before he could try to identify the intruder, a gaps was forced out of his lungs. There was a pressure on his chest; a foot. Someone was pushing all of their weight on him._

_"Time to play, beast."_

Then he snapped. Before he could exhale, he smashed his fist against the mirror, shattering it into pieces. Luckily for him, the sound of the water toned down most of the noise. He pulled his hand away, blood dripping down his hand while shards remained embedded in his skin.  _Fuck_. This was it. This was the pain he needed to focus on every time he felt a desire pulsing through his blood. He had to associate his attraction to her with something  _bad_. Pain was bad. Sleeping with her was bad.

Kagome represented a forbidden road.

-M-


	3. Eve of Destruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Short night, long morning. There might be a few wonky sentences, I'm sorry! But thanks for the reviews :)

Deep slumber was interrupted when a door creaked. Panic rushed through Kagome's blood as she forced her eyes open, temporarily forgetting her location. She took in her surroundings, her heart pounding the entire time. Once she recognized Kouga's living room, she breathed a little easier and brought a hand to her head.  _Good, would that hammering every stop_? At least she did not feel like throwing up this time around. Feet stomping around in another room brought her out of her thoughts and she forced herself in a sitting position. Kagome waited a moment for the dizziness to subdue and then she pushed herself up to her feet.

 _Kouga_.

He left.

She had waited for him, but - after all that alcohol, it had been impossible to remain awake. She did not even have any recollection of him actually leaving the bathroom. She heard a bit of a commotion happening in there and she had not dared to interrupt. Plus, he had turned her down. It was not like she planned on kissing him. She simply needed to tell him it was all a mistake - a drunk mistake - and things would return to…  _well_  they were never quite good. It was two days. They hung out of two days. Things could not go back to normal; they did not have a normal to go back to…

Kagome sighed, her lips pursing, and she tried to find the courage to walk up to him. He probably knew by now that she was awake; there was no point in being quiet. She took quick steps until she reached the kitchen, but what she found was not what she expected. Kouga had an arm drape over the refrigerator's door while he was bent over, looking inside.  _Except he was shirtless_. She might have thought he had some scars on his face, but his back? Some of the wounds were deep, the flesh caving in, never quite forming right even after healing. It was like someone whipped his back until the flesh hung loose, until the gash were so inward that there was no hope for them to ever close again.

Horrified, she brought a hand to her lips and the little gasp that slipped her was what gave her away.

He turned his head to the side like a deer who heard the ruffling of the leaves. Once he stopped her, he closed the door and walked away from the fridge. Doing so allowed her to see that his chest was covered in the same kind of scars and this time, her eyelids lowered in pity while the corners of her mouth shifted downwards. As soon as he saw that  _look_  in her eyes, his hands shifted and he grabbed back his white t-shirt. He quickly slipped it back on, despite the fact that the damages were done.  _She was here_. He thought - he thought she might be asleep or gone? He did not know what he expected.

Kouga knew he had to get out of the house and he did. There was that little bar down the road, the one where he got his  _occasional_ hookup. He waited until she fell asleep and he went there. He figured she would wake up from her slumber and leave. And he did not want to be there for it. Instead, he wasted some of his money on drinks - even though he had a good reserve of alcohol at home. Home was not home because someone else was there, throwing a wrench through his life habits. He limited his contacts with people, but her? It was hard to stay away.

"Hm, listen."

Kagome heard his words, but instead her eyes focused on something  _red_  on his collar. At first, it looked like a blotch of blood, but as she narrowed her eyes, she noticed it was something else;  _lipstick._ He had - lip…stick on his collar. Huh. Well, that explained where he went or the odor of booze and cigarettes. He did smell more like alcohol than before. As the realization of what he did fully sunk in, she felt her stomach coiled. He ran from her and then went and found someone to have sex with. Was kissing her that awful? How many times would she have to tell him it was an accident? He did not have to run from his own house…

"It's fine," she dismissed with a gesture of the hand. "It was my fault - I - I was drunk."

Her f-ault? And why in the word was she so  _pissed_  off? Her face looked somewhat serene, but her aura was bursting around her like angry waves. Something was making her quite upset, but he could not figure it out. She had been staring at him an awful lot… maybe it had something to do with him? It was not the scars. No, when she saw them it was pity that radiated from her, not rage.

"I, hm," she cleared her throat. "I thought about it, and hm, if you just wanna tell me the  _right_  way out," she forced a chuckle, "I'll be out of your hair."

She - she wanted to go back to the hotel? He acted awkwardly around her and there was no good explanation to cover up what he did. Perhaps if she left it would be best for her. He was no good for her, he could not have her. In the past maybe, but this Kouga could not come near her. If she left, there would be no more temptation and there would be no chance for him to hurt her. She had time to walk away and be better than this. He wanted that for her - he wanted more than this broken life.

But yet, as it was time to speak, none of the words he should have said made it to his throat. Instead, there was a roaring in his chest, a demanding snarl that asked he kept her there.  _But he should not_.

There was no reaction, he remained there, staring at her. Kagome's cheeks swelled and she let out a breath before turning around. Why should he stop her? Why should he not let her go? They had not been a part of each other's lives for over five hundred years. A few drinking nights together did not make them friends. A  _screwed_   _up_ , drunk kiss, did not make them  _anything_. She did not even know why she was upset about this.  _No_ , she was not upset - there was nothing to be upset about. She accidentally crossed a line which helped them realize how awkward all of this was and now it was over. It was as simple as that.

A gush of wind blew her hair and before she could inhale, she was pressed against the wooden wall, the air forcefully pushed out of her lungs. She dared to tilt her chin up and she found herself staring into deep blue eyes. His body was near her, his shirt threatening to touch hers while the palm of his hand was firmly planted on the wall, right above her head. She saw the twitching of his jaw while he tightened it and remained voiceless. His whole body twitched and for the first time, she felt the feel of his aura as it flickered against her, almost challenging her.

He fucked up.

He did not mean to grab her and corner her. It happened too fast; he saw her walk out and his mind revved for an answer. This was it - but it was the wrong one.

Kouga could sense the fear swirling inside of her, the uncertainty that danced in her eyes. He was  _threatening_  her while he did not even mean to do it. He took a deep breath, forcing the air through his nostrils, and then he pulled away from her, his arms hanging into the emptiness. He took a step back and swallowed the lump in his throat. Words. That was what he needed to use; not actions. Although, it was not much help since he was not good with either.

"I'm sorry I ran out," he croaked out. He did not owe her anything; not an explanation, not an apology. Yet, he was giving her one. "I was drunk and I freaked out." He smoothed the skin of his forehead and mumbled a curse. Wrong word choice.

He freaked out? "Freaked out about the kiss?" She popped her lips. "It was an accident. I was drunk. But I'm glad you found a way to  _un_  freak out."

Her words left a haze of mystery that forced him to follow her line of sight. As he did so, he understood the source of her earlier state of distress. There was fucking lipstick on his collar.  _Fuck_. How did he miss that? And now she had the completely wrong idea about what took place. Yes, he often did partake in the pleasure of the flesh at that particular location - but not last night. _Yes_ , he did intend on doing that, but it did not happen. He wanted it to happen and then, at the last minute, his conscience showed up.

_Her lips were on his neck, her blunt teeth raking down his neck. It could barely feel it - and it was not because the alcohol had numbed him out. Yet he remained because there was a dying desire inside of him and he felt the obligation to fulfill it. Plus, if he did this, it would take his mind off Kagome and it would chase away the memory of her lips. He could not hold on to that because she could never be his. She was not as broken as she thought and there was hope for her. There was no hope for him. This was it; this was his life. He had accepted his situation a long time ago and nothing was going to change._

_The feel of the girl's hands gliding down his chest pulled him out of her his thoughts. He grabbed them and pushed them to the side, but she did not seem to understand. Instead, she lowered herself, dropping down to her knees. He watched her mass of hair, the light brown looks spilling all around her. She never even looked up at him; she was too busy battling his belt. And he did not care. Her name was a distant memory in his mind. He got the one information he needed from her and after that he tuned off; she was not from around here. He did not need a local girl tracking him down. All he was looking for was a one time thing._

_He could already smell the dampness coming from between her legs and despite his lack of interest, his cock was pressing against his jeans._

_Finally, she managed to unhook his belt and before he knew it, she was dragging his pants, and boxers, down to his knees. Cold hands wrapped around his cock and she pumped him while biting her bottom lip. Wasting no time, she shoved him in her mouth, allowing him to bask in the feel of the warmth. He grunted while she tried to push as much of his erection inside her mouth as possible and he let his hands go limp by his sides. He wanted to think of her, focus on the feel of her mouth, but none of it was possible - because where there was brown, there should be black and - and Kagome's mouth would feel differently. She would not be this direct, she would be shy and explore. Her lips would be plumper and moist and her tongue would be reticent._

_Kagome's mouth would feel better._

_And when he would look down, he would see those blue eyes looking at him, uncertain, and a cute blush on her cheeks._

_But there was none of that._

_Fuck._

_At that point, he knew all hopes were lost. She ruined him. He put his hand on the girl's forehead and pushed her, his cock popping out of her mouth. Her knitted eyebrows informed him of her confusion, but he paid no attention to it. Instead, he tucked himself inside of his pants and then retrieved his wallet. His fingers brushed up the condoms as he picked up some money. He handed it to her and she looked at him with a surprised expression._

_"Go buy yourself a drink."_

_The way it sounded did not occur to him, but it did to her. She was not a fucking prostitute. She crumbled the money in her hand while he walked away from her._

It did not end well, but he  _did not fuck her_.

And she thought he did.

"I didn't."

"What you do or don't do is none of my business," she replied casually.

"But I didn't." He needed her to believe him - though he would not go as far as to explain to her that he  _pictured_  her on her knees, giving him a blowjob. Or the way her tongue would feel, lapping at the head of his erection… and then he stared at her lips, those nice, red parted lips and he thought of them… pictured them wrapped around his cock…

 _Fuck_.

Already he felt the need that rushed downwards and his penis swelled. He had to keep her gaze up; he could not let her see how twisted he actually was. It was a need he could never get rid of. Ever since things shifted, all his emotions went through this system. He was angry? He wanted to fuck. He was feeling the loneliness of the past? He would bury himself in between a nice pair of legs. It was easier. It re-directed the memories, the feelings, he never wanted to think about. It always took his mind off everything. Except - Kagome was not a pair of legs. She was Kagome and he could not use her like that.

"Well I didn't," he repeated.

There was something different about his tone; threatening. It was deep and it rumbled through her body, pulsing through her blood. There was a need coming from him; he wanted her to believe him. Why did it matter if she did or did not? Why did he care so much?  _She did not want him to care_. And she wanted answers. Many questions burned her lips and her mind scrambled for answers, but found none.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, I told you."

She raised a hand, trying to keep it as steady as possible, and pressed it to his chest. He stiffened under her touch and she sucked a breath in.  _He did not want her to touch him._ "What happened to you?"

He thought she might ask that eventually. Obviously seeing his scars sped up the process. But he did not have an answer for her. He did not want to shatter this idea she had, this concept of what life was. "Life happened," he breathed out.

There it was; for the first time, he let his guard down and she saw the hurt, the pain, that he tried to shield away from her. It flashed through his eyes and disappeared as quickly as it appeared. She wanted to reach out for his cheek and cup it, take the pain away, but she stopped herself.  _He did not want her touching him_. She needed to keep repeating that over and over again.

"K-kouga."

"I don't need pity." He tried to keep his tone soft, but it was a tedious task. "I don't want it." His facade was slowly fading and he struggled with how to maintain the charade that was left.

She wanted him to let her in even though he had no reason to trust her. "K-kouga."

"It's fine." And then, he pulled away completely.

She was pressed against the wall while he walked away. She remained that way, panting, as she heard the sound of glass clinging.  _He was taking alcohol_. In the morning. Again. She wanted to tell herself it was a flux, that it meant nothing, but she was wrong. She saw it now; the alcohol was a way for him to bury the pain. She could not quite judge because she was  _traveling_  in the hopes of outrunning her problems, but it was not as damaging as his habits were.  _Alcohol_ , all the time. Youkai or not, it would kill him. Unless that was his ultimate goal… but she did not even want to consider that possibility.

Kagome gathered her courage and peeled herself off the wall. Once she walked into the living room, she found him by the alcohol cabinet, swinging by gulps of rum. She marched in his direction with a determined step. She wanted nothing more than to grab his shoulder and turn him around, but somehow she felt like that might not quite help the current situation. For some reason, he did not enjoy touching - and she was not going to push the issue. She wanted him to trust her and she wanted some answers out of it. She could not watch as he destroyed himself. It was not her life, none of her business, but it was who she was; she helped people.

No matter how screwed up she was herself.

"Kouga, put it down."

"There's more if you want some." Battling the evil with more evil. At this point, he did not know if he was hungover or it was just a constant numbness. Could he cure a hangover with more alcohol? He could not remember. Honestly, since Kagome's arrival his drinking had toned down. He had to keep up appearances. Although as he felt the flare of her aura, he knew it was all about to fall apart. He let himself slip when he panicked and left.

He should have stayed. Why didn't he stay?

Most of all, why did he invite her to stay?

Because he wanted her there. He wanted to feel the soothing effect of her presence.

He was that selfish.

He did not use to be.

 _"I know that_."

He knew where this was going.

Kouga turned around, the bottle still to his lips. "I don't want it."

"The alcohol?"

"Your pity. I don't want it."

"Kouga, it's not like that."

He scoffed. "You think I haven't seen it before? I'm fine. I survived.  _I'm a survivor_. The last thing I need is pity. It was in the past and it's over." He closed the distance between their bodies. "I'm fine, Kagome."

Since she made the conscious choice  _not_  to touch him, her only other option was to gently grab the bottle from his hand. Despite the fact that her fingers were wrapped around the neck of it, he did not let go. His hand shook, trembling with stress, and he wanted to let go, but he did not. Kagome barely tugged, but she already knew how this would go down; he would not give it to her. He could not.

It was too much for him to handle; she was there, all the time. When was the last time he had to pretend everything was fine for such an extended period of time? It was cracking, the whole masquerade slipping from him and he did not know how to hold it back. He wanted to fall apart, he wanted to smash a hole through the nearest wall. He could not. Kagome thought he was something he was not and he needed to be that. He wanted to be that person for her. He inhaled deeply and then, finally released the bottle from his grip and Kagome took it from him.

 _He did it_. He gave it to her.

She did not expect that.

Unprepared, she simply put it down on the coffee table behind her and focused her attention back on Kouga. His back was facing her as he kept his face away from her. Had she pushed too much? Should she back off and let him cool off? There was a desperate cry in his eyes that she had not been able to ignore earlier.  _She could do something for him_. In this era, she could not help anyone - not even herself. If she could make his life a little better, then should she not take that chance? It was no way to live.

"Kouga, I'm not taking pity on you. I'm just trying to help."

"I don't need help, I'm fine." He forced his eyes closed while taking slow deep breaths. Last time, she pushed him to a point where he had to run away. He could not do it again.  _He was_ fine _, he could handle this_. Fuck he hated that word. He was using it over and over again and it was starting to lose its meaning.

"I need help," she admitted. "I'm here because I don't know what to do." Maybe honesty would be a good way to start it all? If she shared, then he might be more inclined to do the same.

He was not one to compare misfortune, but - this -  _no_. He would do it. He would not say, anything, he would not talk to her. It was best if she followed through her original plan; leaving. That way she would keep a vague memory of him, a memory in which he was not totally fucked up. Unfortunately, his voice and body kept betraying him and he could not actually tell her to  _leave_. There had to be another way. What could he do, what could he say to make her leave? He was not about the share his past; he was never going back to those distant nightmares. It had to be something else.

Honesty.

He could be honest and make her leave.

There were things, thoughts, that he should be ashamed of - and they would send her running. She would see what kind of twisted person he was without him revealing anything. He had to do it, he had to put a straight face on and push himself. He crisped his hands into fists, gathering whatever strength was left in him, and he focused on the element of surprise. For the second time that day, he pushed her against a wall, trapping her with his body. One of his legs managed to insert itself between her legs while he pressed both of his palms right by her shoulders, his thumbs brushing the bare skin of her arms.

"I didn't touch that girl last night."

Warmth spread through her body while he stared her down. When she tried to pull away, he pushed her around, when she tried to break down his walls, he did the same thing. It only highlighted further his confusion. He wanted her gone, and he wanted here. And he was bringing up the incident from earlier. He said he did not do anything and she chose to believe him. What was the point of bringing it up again? She forced her lips shut, preventing herself from asking any questions.

"I couldn't."

Could he do it? Could he push himself to embarrass her? He could not tell her to run away from him; he had to make her do it all on her own.

"I kept thinking about you."

Her stomach churned and she was forced to swallow hard. What was he talking about? He ran away from her. All they shared was a kiss and then he left.

"What if it was you on your knees."

His voice was hoarse, deep, sending shivers down her spine and palpitations spinning through her heart. His words held promises that forced her to clench her thighs together. She had convinced herself of his newfound disgust for her and he was slowly shattering that opinion. Her knees wobbled, weakness spreading through them, but she kept herself steady. She parted her lips, ready to speak, but no words came to her. What was she supposed to answer to that? How twisted was it that he was telling her how he fantasize about her while being with another. And why did it matter? It did not, it should not.

"Don't waste time on me."

There, he has said the fatal words, the one that would make her leave, run away. After all this time, he became a stranger and now, he gave himself an aura of dangerousness. She should fear him, she should leave. He could lose his mind at any moment. A normal person did not go through life like he did. She needed better. She needed to return home and fix her life. There was still time for her to be more than he ever would be. Nobody should hide in the woods, waiting for life to be over. She had a whole world waiting for her. A family even. He did not have a family; he did not even have a pack. He was a lonely alpha leader. What was the point? What legacy was he attempting to maintain?

Once he was gone, there would be nothing; not even a memory, or a linger in the wind. Everyone would have forgotten the history of his pack.

At that point, Kagome was panting slightly, her chest rising much faster than she intended. In his eyes, she saw the coating of shininess, the one that indicated the pain deep inside of him. He was trying to push her away. He was waiting for her to leave because he thought of himself as unworthy. Despite the missing centuries, she doubted Kouga could have turned out to be such a bad person. Yes, he could be restless and focused, but it was only about things he furiously believed in. He never doubted himself and everything he did, he believed was for the right reasons - even when he was killing humans. Where did that trust in himself go? When did he think he became so undeserving of good things?

he did not mean the words he said. There was no desire behind them, only fire.

He wanted to prove he was unworthy, but he was not.

"Why?""

The word came out like a whisper caressing his skin. "Why what?"

"Why did that stop you?" All creditability was lost when her cheeks turned red. No, she was not a virgin, but her experiences with Hojo had left her quite limited and it was not as though she was at ease with everything regarding sex.

Was she actually asking him that? His cock began to engorge with blood, aroused by her curiosity. Kagome always did manage to surprise him and that trait of her had not changed with the years. She was not giving in as easily as he expected. Did she not realize how dangerous he could be? He had not intentions of harming her, but he could never prepare himself for when the nightmares would strike. There was a reason why he remained awake ever since she arrived. There was the usual lack of sleep, but there was also the desire to remain safe. If something happened to him because of him, he would never forgive himself.

"Because it wasn't the same," he had to grit his teeth because the memories were too much. He could imagine the fell, remember her voice when she whispered his name in her dream and fuck. There was her scent. The more he spoke, the more her skin became coated with the sweetest aroma of them all. She was aroused - his words were turning her on. She was not supposed to be turned on. Her scent wrapped around him, inflicting upon him the same state of dizziness as when they had shared that kiss. He was not strong enough to pull away twice, not when he was this hard, this in need of a release. It was is way of dealing with his emotions and the past two days had been particularly difficult.

He had flashbacks he did not want and he felt more than he wanted to feel.

She had to pull away.

Why was she not pulling away?

"I'm no good," he croaked out.

He could not focus on his hard on, his mission, and his facade at the same time. Something had to give. What was it about Kagome that sent his life spiralling? He stopped eating humans because of her, he changed his ways and became a better person. One word and she transformed him. One word and she stole his heart. Five hundred years later, none of that had changed. Except, back then he thought he could make her happy. Now he knew better.

Kagome broke the new rule she had set for herself; she put a hand on his bicep. He never broke the glance, instead, he kept staring at her vividly. One wrong movement and he would flee. She saw this look in his eyes before; he had it when desperation hit him and the birds of paradise were killing off his pack. That Kouga was willing to do whatever it took to save everyone, even risking his own life. What broke him? It angered her; she wanted to know who stripped him of his personality, who turned him into someone she barely recognized. Where was the cockiness that made her roll her eyes? The determination that forced him to kidnap her? Or the courage that led him to proclaim his feelings on top of a mountain?

Love.

There was no love left in him.

Love for his pack, love of the thrill and adventure. All devotion was gone. He no longer believed in anything.

That was the difference.

He had nothing.

That empty house that looked inhabited. There was nothing personal, nothing warm. He had nothing to personalize it.

Sometimes, she felt alone, but she had something; she had her family. Most of the time however, they did not understand her, the struggles she went through. It was not for lack of trying, it was simply because it was a reality impossible for them to imagine. She tried to fight that loneliness with Hojo; a normal life was the perfect solution was it not? Wrong. It only made her feel even lonelier. This was the last option, her last chance at finding the thrill of life again. She was meant to figure out how she was to live in this world in which she no longer fully belonged anymore.

A girl out of time.

Just like he was a youkai out of balance.

She needed to believe there was hope. It would break her heart to think this was it for him.

Again, she did another stupid thing. Without the alcohol swirling through her blood and driving her courage, she buried her nose in the crook of his neck. He held his breath, but this time, he did not stiffen under her touch. Instead, his body pressed to hers and for the first time, she was able to feel his pressing need. It dug into her thigh, a wetness spreading between her legs. She remembered the earliest contact, the feel of his lips on hers and a need was created in the pit of her stomach.

"Kagome..." he warned. No, no this was bad. They had already established that much. She was untouchable, she was the path he could not travel. She felt small and fragile as she buried herself against his body. She was warm, so warm. And her scent had exploded, leaving no other aroma in his head. It was her, only her.

This time, she had less of a hold on him and yet he could not tear himself away. Temptation was the plague of his existence. Part of him dreamed of actually having her on her knees, sucking his cock, while the decent part of him wanted to hide away in shame. However, all thoughts went swirling when he felt her lips on his neck. She warmed up his skin, leaving a fire behind. Life; he felt alive. It was what she brought him. He needed to push her away. He was too fucked up, and he would only taint her further. That was the one thing he could not forgive himself. She was soothing, pure. He was nothing, but a mess.

If he spoke the truth and if his body's reaction was any indication, he did want this. It was not disgusting. But, he was blocking himself, shutting off everything around. He was trying to pull away, retract into his space of loneliness and pain. She wanted to pull him away from that and show him there was so much more than the torment he inflicted upon himself. If he saw it, if he believed in it, she might be able to do the same. There was something to look forward to each day, and she would remind them both of that. She had to.

Kagome forced his head backward by kissing his jaw. Her heart was pulsing, racing to the point where each heartbeat were painful. She was deafened by her fear and inhaled deeply as she rose to his cheek. His only reaction was to push himself harder against her, his erection digging into her, whispering promises. There was a fire burning inside of her, her brain melting with the feel of his body alone. Her past sexual experiences with Hojo did not bring her that passion she heard so much about. But him? His lips? His growls? They were the addiction and sparkle she heard about. She dared to dig her fingers into his biceps, clinging at the flesh, hoping for more.

Kouga wondered if he was in hell when he felt the slight roll of her hips. It was a sensory overload and he groaned before leaning forward. As he put his fangs against her collarbone, she was forced to tear herself away from his neck. She was playing with fire, forcing a desire to drum along his flesh. Fangs dragged down until he reached the top of her breasts, and they gave under the pressure of his teeth. He raked them back up, easily finding his way back to her neck. He wanted to pierce the flesh, nibble at it. He moved one of his hands, and grabbed hers. He used his new found hold and placated her hand against the wall and away from his body. She offered no resistance.

Afterwards, he resumed devouring her neck. Her blood rushed to the surface, but never broke the skin. She shivered in his hold, her wrist wavering as he held it down. He let himself taste her, despite the warning sounding off in his head. He was not good enough for him, but he wanted to take everything; he wanted to drink in her light and hang on to her. His lips found their way to hers and she wasted no time in melting against him. She returned the kiss, her tongue teasing his lips and his reciprocating, letting himself be blinded by the need that he felt pulsing through his body. He wanted to bury himself deep inside of her, feel her warmth and walls around him. Every time he touched her, every time he led his hand brush up her body, it was empowering. This he could do. He could not handle too much of it though. He had to keep himself in check, and calm. If not, he might lose all control.

Kagome bit back a moan while the novelty of the situation thrilled her. She wanted to touch him, craved to feel him beneath her fingertips, but it was impossible. One of her arms was pinned to the wall and she had a feeling that if she tried to move the other one, the same thing would happen. It was almost tempting. It was new; she was stuck. But it was not stressful, it sent her need spiralling. She was stuck in a daze when he tore his mouth from hers. She leaned forward at the loss of contact, but only found emptiness and coldness. His fingers brushed down her arm as he released her and pulled away. He slowly walked away from her, but this time he was not running. Instead, his steps were slow as he retrieved his bottle.

Again, he took a swung of it.

He was not leaving, he was just... stopping?

He had managed to make her body melt with nothing more than mere kisses. He had taken her need and magnified it, teasing her with the pleasures she never thought existed.

Kouga was a dark path that left her with one question.

Did she want to stay or run?

-M-


	4. Rub you the Right Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Really, I have no excuse. I lost a family member and it really downed my inspiration and my mood to write. And then, I was doing better but - honesty, I had so much real life stuff to catch up on that writing did not fit in the schedule. I cannot guarantee regular updates, I am taking it one step at a time, but i will keep the promise I made regarding all my stories: They will all be completed. I can't say when but I will not give up on any of my stories. Ever.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me.

She should have run.

Instead he felt her linger behind him, waiting, pondering the right course of action. Did she not realize it took everything he had to walk away? He did not walk away, not anymore. He took what he needed, whatever satisfied his mind and shut up the voice for a few minutes. He was not the Kouga she met five hundred years ago. The love he had for her a long time ago… it no longer mattered. It was enough that he respected her, enough that he knew he was not good enough for her. But if they went down that road… he would be the animal that he was. And she deserved much better than that. She deserved everything good.

Kagome's lips were pinched hard as she watched the back of his head. Now that he had walked away from her, there was an awkwardness. Then again, perhaps it was the barrier she needed to break through. She wanted this. Her core was dripping and she could still feel the lingering presence of his erect cock against her. She was a woman, she was no stranger to sex. There was nothing wrong with no strings attached. People did it all the time, so why not her?

Despite the fact that her hands were shaking by her side, she closed the distance between them. She knew what her first goal was; she had to get rid of that bottle. Her lengthy, slender fingers wrapped themselves around the head of the bottle. She tugged, and though she initially met a bit of resistance, he let it go. Once it was in her hands, she took a bit gulp. Just enough to have some liquid courage. The alcohol burned on its way down and she grimaced as she swallowed it all. There. She put the bottle back on the table and refocused her gaze on Kouga. He was her next target. How do get him when she could not even touch him?

Words.

"I won't leave."

"You should."

"But I won't." Another step in his direction. "So unless you throw me out, you're stuck with me."

Each one of her words was punctuate by a spike in her scent. He knew what she wanted. She was throwing all the signs in his direction and he was avoiding every single one of them. He licked his dry lips. His cock hurt, it was so hard, so erect, that it brought him pain.

One touch, one safe touch. Kagome reached for his back, the tip of her fingers making contact with the fabric of his black shirt. And then, he spun around, almost spooked. It was now. He slammed her back against the wall, knocking the air out of her lungs. Except this time, both of her arms were pinned above her head. She did not understand. Whoever her ex-boyfriend was, he made love to her, he cherished her body. Kouga was sure of it. Kagome would never go for someone who would hurt her. She would look for safety. That was what one did after loss. She was no different.

"It won't be love."

"What?" His hands were abusing the flesh of her wrists but she refused to let it show.

"I can't make love to you."

His voice sounded like a warning and yet, she did not take his words as such. "I don't want you to." She had love, she had kind. It did not work.

He bent down, his lips nothing more than a whisper against her flesh. "It won't be love, it won't be sex. I'd fuck you. I wouldn't look at your face, I wouldn't be sweet." He did not know how to be sweet. If it did not hurt, it did not work. They ruined him. He needed to feel everything, it needed to be intense or else, he could not escape. For her sake, he should try. But he knew once he was inside of her, it would all break loose. The animal would demand freedom and the memories would be too much to bear.

He refused to make a promise he could not keep.

Somehow, his words broke her heart. She did not need him to be sweet, she did not need him to make love to her. However, the Kouga she used to know? He would do all those things. He would have worshipped her body, he would have been delicate, loving and he would have made love to her. It would have been sweeter than Hojo's way. But this Kouga? This Kouga did not have any sweetness left in him. He was nothing more than the raw shell of what he used to be. The sweet Kouga was gone, no a trace left behind. She knew he was not saying such cold things to scare her; they were now his reality.

"I don't care."

Frustration rose through him and before he could stop himself, he hit the wall behind her, his fist driving through it. "You fucking do."

Rage shone in her eyes; nobody could tell her what she did want and what she did not want. That was a decision she made for herself, by herself. He was not her knight in shining armor anymore. He did not get to protect her from things she wanted. It did not matter; he was a man. He had weaknesses and he even shared one of them with her. She stared right into his eyes, never breaking the contact. Meanwhile, she tugged one of her hands free. Now that he was only holding her with one hand, she had a chance. Her arm fell limp by her side. She twisted away the soreness from his hold and immediately went for his jeans.

Skillfully, she managed to unbutton them with her one hand. She saw the look in his eyes change, but he did not stop her. He could not. She carefully unzipped his pants over his growing erection and then, felt it, pushing, tugging, against the fabric of his navy boxer. It wanted to spring free. She never broke eye contact, not even as she tried to lower herself to the ground. She expected him to stop her, to keep her standing by tugging her arm up, but he did not. Instead, his fingers loosened around her wrist until she managed to slip between his fingers. Her knees hit the ground with a thud and then, she found herself face to face with his crotch.

She tried to hide the shaking of her fingers as she glided them across the soft fabric. She put her fingers around the elastic and gently tugged them down. As soon as she freed his cock, it pressed against the warm flesh of her nose. She had done this before; once or twice. Although from the sound of things, he was not a newcomer to having this kind of thing performed on him. What if she was not up to the task? This was her one chance to convince him, her one attempt at proving she truly did not care. She chased away the doubt dancing in her eyes and then, firmly gripped him.

He hissed, in pleasure, and watched as she slowly began pumping him. How many nights had he dreamed of this? How many times had he wanted to see her submissive, ready to pleasure him? He knew Kagome was an independent woman, and it only made the fantasy that much better. Except, never did he ever think it would unfold like this. Her eyes were no longer on him, instead they were focused on his appendage. He watched while she slowly licked her lips; she was going in for the plunge. He was forced to close his own eyes as she took the tip of him in her mouth.

All of her was warmth and wet as she pushed his cock as deep as she could. She felt her gag reflex trying to kick in and stopped. That was enough. Her tiny, delicate hand was pumping up and down the length of his shaft. He hissed while his fangs broke though the disguise and dug in his bottom lip. His hand were shaking by his side while he was dying to fist her hair and push himself even deeper inside her sweet cavern. Her tongue was shy, sometimes wrapping around the head of his cock while she tried to suck. There was a clumsiness to her motions but it was not a turn off, it was the opposite. Sweet, innocent Kagome.

He allowed her to explore, to taste and touch as she pleased while he let himself get lost in his own little world. His eyes were shut as he tried to forget everything that was around him. It was a dangerous game. He was so close to the edge, so close to losing all of his control. It was hanging by a thread and he was only fighting it because it was her. He could be more dangerous to her than anyone else. The others, they did not know him. He had to keep his identity a secret. But Kagome was different because she knew what he was deep inside. He was a wolf, he was not human. He could let that part of himself free.

Except, that was when he would be most dangerous to her.

And he could not let that happen.

His fingers ran through her hair for the first time but instead of pushing her head towards him he pulled her hair back. It was not enough that he was no longer in her mouth, but it was enough to relieve him of some sweet, sweet sensations.

However, his actions caused Kagome to worry. Had she done something wrong?

She decided to push down her concerns and instead, she lapped at the head of his cock, slowly following every line, and every bump with her tongue. He shivered and then it happened. He truly meant to pull her away but instead, both of his hands sneaked around her head and before he knew it, he was pushing himself deep inside her inviting mouth. Kagome thought she was going to gag around him but as she slid himself in and out, she managed to adjust to the pace and size of him. She gulped around him, her hand covering the portion of his cock that neither could fit in her mouth.

His fingers crisped around her, digging painfully into her skull. He had to pull out. He was going to - and he had to say something, but his legs quivered and before he could even warn her, he came undone inside her mouth.

Kagome felt it hit the back of her throat, forcing her to cough around his cock. The stream continued until her mouth was full and his appendage was forced out. She stayed on her knees, coughing as she tried to swallow. That was a first one. She had spat out both times she had given Hojo a blow job. Then again, it had been a slow process that had left her with a sore jaw. Also, given the current situation swallowing had been her only option. It had not been as awful as she had expected it to be.

Meanwhile Kouga was backing away, his cock hanging limp on top of his jeans. Fuck. He could feel his eyes bleeding red and the claws poking at the time of his fingers. He had almost… if she had not basically choked he might have ripped her clothes off. He continued backing away until he was touching the couch. He dug his nails in it, not caring that he was ripping it apart. He wanted to growl, he wanted to claim what was meant to be his from the beginning. That claim never faded. Not even the centuries could lessen it. But he knew better. Already, he let it slip too far. He should have stopped it, he should have kept her away.

But Kagome was ignoring all the signs and warnings he was throwing her way. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and then, she rose to her feet. She did not need to see his eyes to know what was happening to him; she saw it inflicted upon Inuyasha as well. Many times. Inuyasha's inner beast was more reckless, affected by his dual nature. Kouga was more in control. She saw how well Sesshomaru remain in control when he attacked them. It had to be the same Kouga. And if she never even thought about being scared of Inuyasha, then why would she be scared of Kouga? He had always been a friend.

Her steps were slow but sure as she closed the distance between them. She tried to keep her gaze on him, rather than on what was hanging between his legs. It had been a rush, it had made her feel alive. She extended her arms in front of her, hoping her hands could be the first thing to touch him. She aimed for the face since she knew she could easily spook him if she touched something else. So far, he had yet to look at her or even acknowledge that she was even heading for him. But he knew, he had to know; he was a hunter, she was the prey. He was aware of her movements, her breathing and even her erratic heart rate.

Then, as she was nothing but a mere inch from him, there was a growl.

"Don't," he warned.

But she did not listen. Instead, she let her hands touch his cheeks. The action forced his eyes open and she found herself looking into blue irises. Except… they were surrounded by red.

"Get away."

"No."

"Kagome, I am not a gentle, docile creature." There was an extra deepness to his tone, something that should make her afraid. Instead, it shook her to her core. In a rather pleasing way.

"I don't care."

He felt the rage inside of him snap and before he could even realize that he was doing, he ran into her, pushing her away. Startled by his unexpected actions, Kagome fell to her rear in a loud thud. Unfortunately, the swing of her fall caused her to bang her head on the wooden floor and she yelped out in pain. Fear froze his blood and he launched at her. He knew this was going to happen, he knew he was a beast that could not be controlled. Why could he not be careful? As he threw himself on the ground, ready to inspect her injury, she protected herself.

In all honesty, all she did was raise her hands. As it turned out, the power inside of her was awakened. In an attempt to protect her, her powers flared. It was just as Kouga was about to touch her that a bright pink light blinded him. And then he felt the burning. His shirt melted as he felt wave of heat hit his skin. A loud howl of pain past his lips as he was thrown backwards on his ass. The dominant side of him was pushed to the surface as he felt imprints of her hands being burnt into his flesh. He knew she did not attack him. He knew it was an accidental reaction to what happened. But he did not dislike it.

Pain was a friend to him. Pain was the one thing he could understand. He lived with it, he grew it inside of himself. Pain might be the sole reason why he was alive. Although, it was also the reason why he had a drinking problem. But it did not matter. Because there she was; the solution to all his problems. Kagome could punish him for all his sins, she could punish him for what he was. The more threatening he seemed, the more her powers would want to protect her against the monster that he was. And he was now craving this pain. Not many things could hurt him, but she could. She could hurt him in the most beautiful way.

He was a moth and she was fire. And he needed to get burn.

As Kagome laid there, wide eyes and guilty, he pushed himself between her legs. He put two palms down on each side of her chest and stared into her eyes. Right away, her legs wrapped around his waist. His cock was painfully pressing against the fabric of her clothes and he could feel himself hardening again. The pain only enhanced his attraction, his need for her body.

"I'm - I'm sorry," she stuttered.

She could not remember the last time her powers manifested themselves. It was to the point that she thought she did not have them on this side of the well. Apparently, she simply had never been in danger before. Although, Kouga hardly qualified as danger. He would not hurt her. From the angle, she could see the burn marks she left on him. Oh god. As though he did not have enough scars, as though he was not hurt enough. She hated herself for her reaction.

"Do it again," he whispered before he lowered himself to her throat.

"W-what?"

His tongue darted out, lapping at the pulsing point in her neck. "You said you didn't care if I fucked ya. You didn't care if I wasn't sweet."

"I don't," she replied, distracted by the feelings he was provoking inside of her. She could feel the wetness between her legs spreading and she was dying to push against his erection.

"Then do it again, and I'll do it."

But she had no control over her powers. She did not decide when they manifested. On top of that, she had no intention of being the one behind his injuries. Why would she want to hurt him? Why would she want to cause him more scars, more pain? She felt the tears burning her eyes but she pushed them down; why did he want pain, why did he seek it so much? He had kept himself away from her since the beginning, but now that she could bring him pain, he wanted to be closer to her?

"I c-can't." She could not be part of his destruction.

His skillful fingers found their way to her thighs. She shivered at the mere touch of them; yes, she wanted him. That much had been established. However, she was not willing to pay the price. He could not be the price to pay to feel him.

His mouth moved until he was biting her earlobe, tasting her sweet, sweet flesh. She did not want to partake in his euphoria. He had to let her go, he really did. But all he wanted was one more taste of her skin. He let his lips taste her before he pulled himself away. At least, he had enough control left to do that. He detached himself from the safety of her legs and stood on his own two feet. Quickly, he tucked his still erected cock back into his pants and zipped them back up. The whole time, he made sure to avoid any kind of eye contact with her. In the midst of his insanity, he had let her seen his weaknesses, he had let her seen the bad side of him.

The rotten one.

And now, he could not take it back.

He wobbled to keep a straight position and then his eyes scanned the room. He needed an out, he needed something that would break the awful tension that installed itself between them. The first thing he grabbed was the bottle that had been discarded. He swung it to his lips and took a big gulp. All this tension had erased his buzz and he needed it back. Kami knew how hard it was for him to even get a buzz in the first place. As the liquid made its way down his throat he knew there was only one location for him to go; outside. He needed to be away from her, away from her scent and away from all the temptations she represented.

He did not even dare looking back as he went for the front door and slammed it shut behind him.

Meanwhile Kagome watched him go, never moving, never even attempting to stop him. There was some truth to his previous words and she could no longer deny it. She did not know this Kouga. She also was not going to stop him from leaving. It was what he needed. Although now that he was gone, she could fully let the pain hit her. Tears filled her eyes once more and this time, she let one slide down her cheek. She wanted to know what happened to him, what made him think he needed pain, that he deserved it. She wanted to heal him, but she could not.

So what could she do?

-M-

The sun was low in the horizon, casting nothing but a pink shadow everywhere, by the time Kouga returned. He had stayed out there, laying in the long green grass with his bottle of rum in his hands, for hours. He had forgotten about everything and everyone and he had let the nature over take him. The quietness of the wilderness always had a calming effect on him. And it had worked. At least until he had returned to the vicinity of the house. Her scent was everywhere, invading. This place was bare, void of anyone until she appeared. But the fact that her scent remained meant that she had yet to leave his house.

He thought she might have run off. After all, she would have had every right to be frightened by him. It would have perhaps even been for the best. The only problem was, he was not quite convinced he wanted her gone. She represented everything he wanted and could not have. The past, the temptation, the pain. All wrapped up with a little bow around him. A gift and a curse all at the same time. Worst of all, now he had gotten a taste of it and he knew he would want more. How could he not? She was sweet, so sweet. The only salvation he had was the fact that she turned him down, and he would never go against her wishes.

She said no to hurting him, which meant he was saying no to fucking her.

It was the best solution.

As he reached the front door, he peeked through the front window, but he did not see her. Although the kitchen lights were on. There was no other choice but to go in. He quietly slipped into his own house, watching and waiting for any movements. He took a sniff, thinking her scent might lead him to her and it turned out that he was right. She was in the living room all by her lonesome. He kicked his boots off, the sound clearly warning her of his presence. Maybe she did not want to see him, maybe she wanted to hide before he reached her. He would let her run from him. He would not even chase her.

He tilted his head to the side as he walked through the doorway, his long ponytail swinging over his shoulder and draping over his chest. The sight he found in front of him was not quite the one he expected. Kagome was sprawled across his couch, a bottle resting on her belly. From the looks of it, she had gone through half of it. Although, a quick scan of the area allowed him to notice that it was not her first bottle; the coffee table had two others on it. He was not quite fond of her imitating his habits. Though to be fair, he was the one who had forced her down that path. He could hardly judge her and so he stopped.

Kouga expected her to look at him but she never did. Instead, she looked at the swirling clear liquid in the bottle as though it was the most fascinating thing in her entire life. He let out a sigh and then, pressed his back to the nearest wall. Part of him were dying to snatch out another bottle since his had run out a while back. However, he feared he might spook her out and instead he chose to remain where he was. He let his back slid across the wall until he touched the ground. The less of him that was exposed, the better. He had shown her too much and now, he did not know how to take it back. He needed to take it back.

"Why?"

The word was croaked out and slurred but he made it out. "Why what?"

She scoffed. She waited for him because she foolishly figured he would be back sooner or later. It was his house after all. But then, part of her wondered if she should leave. Make a quick exit while he was gone. It would have been much easier and then she could forget about this whole mess. After all, she had problems of her own that needed taking care of amongst other things. But, she was who she was. She could not leave him by himself while he was suffering like this. He had made it this far without her but there was no telling what he might end up doing in the future. And then, she would blame herself.

So, of course, she was left with very few options. She could stay and never talk about what he asked of her... or she could stay and talk about it. Of course, talking about his past never seemed to be his favorite activity. No, his favorite activity was drinking. A lot. Hence why she decided to get smash drunk. Perhaps the only way to get through him was through his own demons. If she was drunk and he was drunk, they might just be able to have a decent conversation. Although, now she could see how the plan might backfire. She was quite dizzy and thinking was hard - god it was hard. She meant to ask a more articulate question but why was the only word she managed to produce. It was time to face him. She tried to turn to her side, to look at him, but her body was not quite well responding to her orders.

And then, there was a loud bang.

She winced in pain as her face hit the hard, cold floor. For fuck's sake. She did not even have the strength to pull herself away from the ground. It required too much concentration. A long sigh escaped her pressed lips and then she mentally counted to three. Once she reached the final number, she pulled herself up. Her fingers dug into the couch while her other hand was pressing against the floor. After a lot of struggle and a lot of grunting, she managed to sit up. A dizzy spell hit her, and she was forced to lean into the couch to even keep her upper body up and standing. Once everything stopped spinning, she focused on Kouga again.

He was staring at her, those lonely blue eyes looking for meaning. "Why do y- you want me to hu-hurt you?"

If the situation had not been so personal, he might have laughed at her slurred speech - but he was currently in no mood to be laughing. "It doesn't matter."

She smiled, although he could tell she was not happy. "It does matter."

"It doesn't concern you." This time, his words were more dry. He hoped it would serve as a warning and that she would drop the issue.

It did concern her, he brought her into it. Granted it, part of it was her fault because she asked for it but still. He had allowed her to feel alive and then he took it from her. She might have been brave once upon a time, she might have carelessly thrown herself into danger without thinking twice but… but that person was also gone. But then, he had taunted her, he had let her be wild and explore a side of her she was not quite sure she had. Although, she could already say that she did not mind it. For once, there had been a fire burning inside of her. It was not a goal, it was not an answer but it was a feeling. She would take whatever answer she could.

The only problem was, if she wanted it again, she had to be someone she was not.

"I told you to leave. I told you." He gave her a choice and she picked the wrong one and now they were left with this stupid mess of a situation. She was the same good old Kagome who did not listen.

She let her head fall to the left, and then to the right. And then, after popping her lips, she decided to tap the spot beside her. "Co-me, here." She tapped the floor again to emphasize her statement.

At that moment, Kouga knew he should stay where he was. But he also knew he was weak. So, despite everything in this body screaming at him to stay put, he stood up. He dragged his feet in her direction as though he was being executed. She watched his every movements, her shiny blue eyes watching his. He pushed the coffee table out of the way and plopped down on the ground beside her. He did try to keep a small distance between them but he knew it would not help. He was relieved though when she handed him the bottle she had been so safely guarding against her chest. He took it from her and took his first gulp.

How he had missed the taste of alcohol. Until she came along he did not skip a moment. She kept him a bit sober.

"I'm not gonna- you know, hurt you."

"I know," he whispered against the bottle.

"I like it," she blurred out.

And it happened. He let out a deep, rich, chuckle. "Yeah I know," he said a bit cocky.

A smile tugged at her lips and she elbowed him in the ribs. It did not hurt but he entertained her by fake flinching away from her attack. "You don't."

He tapped his nose. "I know."

"That's not faaair," she whined.

He chuckled again before taking another sip of his godly nectar. How did they go from awkward to laughing? Alcohol. There was a reason why he loved that stuff. He let the laughter die down as he handed her back the bottle. Perhaps it was best to keep her in an intoxicated state. Plus, as long as she was drunk, he was sure he would stay far away from her. He had no intention of taking her when she was not conscious enough to consent. Yes, keeping her drunk might be the key to keeping this going. Although, he was not quite convinced that drinking large amounts of alcohol every day would be good for her.

She held on to the bottle but she waited before taking another sip. "What happened to you?" The happiness had faded from her voice and darkness was lurking back in.

"Life."

"Life doesn't do that."

"It did it to you."

She could not argue with that. She turned around to look at this face and with one shaky hand she cupped his cheek. "You don't like it when I- I touched you."

He shook his head but it was faint. She only felt it because she was pressed up against him. He was ashamed to admit it and saying it out loud would kill him. Really, he only answered because he knew she noticed it. How could she not? Last time she truly touched him, he basically left dashing away from her. It was his mistake. Then again, never had he expected that Kagome would want to touch him.

"Why? Is it- did someone, did someone hurt you?" She had questions but she did not know how to ask them. Her head hurt.

"No, I hurt people."

She swallowed hard her heart breaking at his words. Kouga did not hurt people. He might have, a long time ago, but then he became someone new and he was kind to all and - she refused to believe he was a bad person. Someone made him think he was bad. That had to be the answer.

"You're good."

He shook his head again.

Damn it. Frustrated, she leaned forward and she pressed her lips to his. He did not react; instead, he stayed frozen. None of that seemed to stop her since she used her newfound grip on his shoulder to slide into his lap. If she wanted to help him, if she wanted to understand him she had to go into his world. Plus, his world was much better than hers. When was the last time she felt this giddy, this free? She could not even remember. She pressed her chest to his as she struggled to keep her hands to herself. She wanted to touch every inch of his skin; his flesh was like fire. All of him was warmth and she felt cold.

"Kagome, stop," he spoke against her lips. "You're drunk."

She pulled her lips away from his mouth. "Nuh uh, tipsy."

"I ain't doing this."

"I waaaaaanted you earlier, it hasn't changed." She pushed her head against his neck. "Just tipsy. Happy. Don't you wanna be haaappy?"

No, he did not want to be happy, he did not deserve to be happy.

She knew why he was turning her down. It was because she did not want to hurt him. What if she did not hurt him? What if she - what if she let him feel her power? She wanted to get inside of his head. Maybe if she figured out what was wrong with him, it would fix her as well. It was worth a shot. She put a hand on his bicep and she felt his whole body flinch.

"I'll do it."

"You don't know what you're saying."

She concentrated herself as much as she could and then, let a wave of light brush against his skin. "I do."

It was the alcohol. She did not know how much she had. She did not want this earlier. Her opinion could not have changed. He would not do this, he refused to do this.

Her shy tongue darted out as she began licking the spot where his shoulder met his neck. At the same time, her hips were thrusting as she grinded her core into his growing erection. "I'll do it if you fuck me."

She should not speak those words, she should not move like that and she should not smell like that. He felt another subtle spark against his flesh and he groaned. Was there any harm in this? He would get his punishment and she would get what she asked for…

But she said no earlier. When she was not this drunk.

"Fuck me," she whispered against his flesh.

He blindly reached out for the bottle and downed everything that was left. He tossed it on the couch and then, re-focused his attention on Kagome. His hands snaked around her waist and then, before she could comprehend what he was about to do, he pushed her on the ground, snuggling himself between her legs.

Fuck it.

-M-


	5. Blood, Sex and Booze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: FIRST UPDATE OF 2016. And it's may...
> 
> Sorry guys. I just - I'm really trying to be better. And I'm trying to feel better. I just - I have no faith in my stuff, I hate everything I write lately (read as: last 3 years). So it's been hard to give myself a kick in the butt. Cause I'm like, well they gonna hate it. So why.

Warmth filled her inside as rough hands roamed the lengths of her legs. Her back was overly arched in a way that should bring her pain but she was too far gone to notice. All she wanted to feel was _him_. His mouth was on her, attacking her as though she was the nectar of life. Burning lips left trails of wetness on every inch of skin he could find. She melted like a puddle against him. Every touch, every sensation was like new. She had sex before - or at least she thought she did, but his body was telling her otherwise. His erection was pressing against the inside of her thigh, applying pressure, teasing her. He was grinding against her while one of his hands were keeping her arms above her head.

He did not want her to touch him.

She wanted to argue with that, she wanted to free her hands but - but her mind was nothing but numbness. The alcohol was flowing through her veins, rising her body temperature and rendering everything around her mellow. She wanted more, she wanted less - she wanted it all. She inhaled deeply and leaned her head backwards, presenting even more of her body to his eyes.

And he feasted on her.

How long did he want this?

Back when he was himself, he would have killed for the chance to touch her. He would have done anything to sink his fingers in her soft flesh. Now? Now, he needed it more than ever but he did not deserve it. He wanted to take in every taste, every touch. He needed to memorize her skin and her scent. He knew he was squeezing her wrists way too tight but neither of them cared. If he let her go now, before he got the words he wanted, they would get lost into the moment and he would not obtain what he sought.

"Say it."

Say what? Her mind was dizziness, and sex. She buckled her hips, angry at the missing feeling she was promised.

"Say it."

"W-what?" she managed to croak out.

"Say you'll do it."

Hurt him. He wanted her to say she would hurt him.

A ghost of hesitation danced on her lips but as she let herself feel his pressed erect cock, she knew this was what she wanted. "I ww-ill." The alcohol was making it difficult for her to pronounce the words. It did not matter.

Maybe if she went far enough, and maybe if he took her with him, she would understand. Understand him. Understand herself. Or maybe she would forget all about it.

She was completely intoxicated - he should let her free, and he should be the bigger man. A good man would walk away from her. He was not a good man. Instead, he finally let his fingers unwrap from around her wrists, leaving a trail of white fingermarks on her pale skin. Now that he had both of his hands, he let them roam to her ass, squeezing the cheeks and lifting her off the ground. After what seemed like forever, he felt her hands touch his back, roaming down the length of his muscles. _He did not like it_. He tensed under her and his fingers that were brushing up against the soft skin of her ass paused.

 _Pain_.

He wanted pain.

Kagome pressed her breasts against his chest, giving herself courage, and then she unleashed herself. A buzzing light emanated from her fingers, slowly sizzling against his skin. He closed his eyes, groaning against the sensation. It burned, it hurt. His entire body was being lite on fire and he relished the feeling. More blood traveled downwards, making his cock painfully hard. He needed to fuck her. He wanted to fuck her. He wanted to experience the bliss of her pain. She moved her hands around, never shutting off her light, and he bent over, reaching for her neck. He lapped at the skin, nibbling as he made his way to her ear.

"I won't be nice."

"Good."

It was barely slurred but it was full of hope.

He hissed as his skin began to become sensitize under her touch but he never pulled away. Instead, he kept his mouth on her cheek, her chin, her lips, while his hands were otherwise busy. It took barely a moment for the button to pop and before Kagome could inhale, the cold air wrapped around her legs and behind. It should have sobered her up a bit, but she was too far gone. Too far gone into the numbness, too far gone into him. She was vaguely aware of him undoing his own pants. Except, unlike her he did not complete get rid of them.

"C-condom?"

He had thought about it. He always used that. He fucked whores he found in bars - he was careful. He did not need any undesired results from his indiscretions. But - but Kagome was different. He still did not want an unwanted pregnancy. But he knew she did have any disease. She was not fertile at the moment. He wanted to mark her with his seed and leave a trail of his presence. He wanted to feel all of her, all of her power touching his skin. He could only do that if he was bare.

"It's fine."

She looked at him, confusion in her glossy eyes as she tilted her head to the side.

"You're safe," he added before tapping his nose beneath her chin. Although, he doubted she would get his innuendo while being this intoxicated.

It was bad. She always wore something with Hojo. Right? No. Yes. _Ugh_. Tired. For the first time, she let the light die down from her fingers. She never used her powers for such an extended period of time before - it was draining.

When the familiar tingle of pain left his back, he arched an eyebrow. He glanced up at her only to see her half closed eyelids and the beads of sweat running down her face. It was fine for now. She was not resting her hands on him. He could do this. She could take a break from bringing him pain. No touching though. He inhaled deeply, hoping the intake of breath would calm his nerves and soothe him. It did not. He wrapped a hand around his cock, stroking himself, ignoring the gash he felt beneath his index each time he did so.

Once his energy was found again, he let his fingers travel to her wet folds. He pushed a finger inside and slid in with no problem. She bucked beneath the ministrations, a silent gasp founding its way past her lips. She twisted her body beneath him, pushing his finger even deeper inside of him. The sensation traveled through her, forcing her toes to curl. She could not remember the last time she was touched, the last time she was teased. Her chest was compressed, her breath was hard to find and it was making her dizzy. His finger was pumping in and out of her, teasing her of the pleasures to come. IAnd she wanted them _. She wanted to lose herself_.

For a moment, she did not want to be Kagome.

And then, she forgot all that she promised. Her hands clamped down on his shirt, bunching it beneath her fingers. Fingers palmed at his back and he tensed, almost ready to retrieve his finger. He winced, his fangs poking at his lips, threatening to break the fragile membrane. He warned her, did he not? He stopped all movements, all fingering. Instead, he leaned in, hovering over her body. Almost touching her, but never actually making contact. Moist lips brushed against her ear, teasing her further.

"If you don't keep your end of the bargain, I won't fuck you."

His voice was hoarse, his words were harsh and yet she found herself mindlessly nodding. She needed more. This was nothing more than a mere tease and she wanted the real thing; she wanted all the silent promises he never made her. All the ones she made up in her head.

This time, she released her power while her hands were pressed to him completely. And he felt the surge. He jolted upwards, an animalistic groan slipping his lips. _Yes_. This was what he needed. He did not think twice before snatching his finger away from her wet, warm cunt. Instead, he found himself eager to replace it with something far more interesting. _He did not even give her a warning_. Instead, he slipped himself inside of her without hesitation. He slammed inside, feeling her tightness wrap around him in an almost unbearable way. She heaved as he pressed his chest on her, nearly crushing her.

He filled her, he stretched her and she could not catch her breath. She did not want to either. She licked her dry lips while wrapping her legs around his waist. A move he did not appreciate. That was immediately shown to her when he roughly gripped her legs and slid his hands down to her ankles. He used his newfound grip to stretch out her legs before pushing them downwards. And he kept pushing down, pushing her to her limit as her legs almost reached her face. Now, he was back in control. He controlled her legs, he controlled her body. The tremble of uncertainty left his body and he resumed thrusting inside of her. The new position of her legs offered him a new depth and he took full advantage of it, pushing in as much as she could take.

She wanted to slam her legs back downwards, she wanted to squeeze his waist with her legs and the fact that he was preventing that was frustrating. She was forced to move her hands to his stomach, laying them flat against it. She knew the tensing was not from all the muscles working. It was from her hands - her tiny hands. She wanted to ask, she wanted to know but her blurred out brain could not even begin to form words - even less questions. Instead, she gave in, and gave him again what he wanted.

Sparkles flew from her hands, nearly forcing him backwards. He held himself in place with the strength of his legs. Eventually, he was forced to let one of her legs go to steady himself with the ground. The whole time, he kept his pace going. He was sliding in and out of her, the juices pouring out as she dug her lips into her bottom lip. He was not nice, he was not kind, he was not slow. Instead, he took everything she had to give and she gave it all. A hand moved to her breast, squeezing it - hard enough to leave a bruise behind. Fingers flickered around the cloth covered nipple and she arched herself into him.

He watched her, parted lips, breathless and closed eyes. Her hair was a mess surrounding her hair while her limbs were all tangled. She wanted more than he could give. She wanted something he no longer had.

He did not want to see her face, he did not want to see the kindness that remained on it. Life was hard on her but there was the ghost of the girl he knew. He was not the boy she knew.

He hid himself away. He buried his face in the crook of her neck while her fingers worked away, giving him the pain he so desperately sought but rarely ever obtained. She could do it all the time, every day. She could hurt him. Kouga lost himself, he let the pain surround him. Teeth sunk in her flesh and he drew blood. He lapped at the red liquid while it stained her perfect skin. It was metallic, it was warm. He was cold, he was always so cold. He felt his cock swell inside of her as he violently thrusted inside, not even afraid to break her.

Kagome was moaning, her mind swirling. She could feel the pain throbbing in her neck but she could also feel the build up in her crotch. Hojo was kind, soft and slow. Kouga was _using_ her. He was fucking her like she was not a fragile little girl. He was pounding inside of her, twirling her inside like she was a ragged doll. She could feel it. What he felt like. He felt like nothing. She was nothing. She was a body, she was breathing, her heart was beating but she was nothing more than flesh. She craved to have her arms wrapped around him, she craved to feel the warmth of his skin, but he was not done restraining her.

She could feel tears polling in the corner of her eyes. She would not cry. Why should she cry? She was not sad, this was - this was amazing. Her whole body was numbed, while foreign sensations traveled through her. And yet, something was missing. But her cloudy brain could not figure it out. Instead, she chose to shut off all parts of her that might hesitate and doubt. She focused all of her energy on her hands, releasing all the pain he wanted and freeing herself from all the sorrow she refused to let build up in her chest. And he relished it. He took every bit of power she had to give him. And every time a surge went through him, he bit another spot on her neck. Blood, more blood. Bruises, more bruises.

Kouga could feel his claws poking it, ripping at her skin while he held her leg up. He pushed himself inside of her, slightly twisting her body to the left, trying to give himself a new angle of penetration. And she reacted to it. Moans got louder, her body shivered and lips parted. He watched her ass bounce with every thrust he took, he focused on the sight of her skin, he took in all the pain. He tore his lips from her neck - he wanted to wreck her. He wanted to take her and take her until it was obvious she was nothing but his. And it was why he was dangerous for her.

Her power began dying out, her energy focused elsewhere. Her body was thumping and drumming to the rhythm of his cock. She could feel jolts of pain coming from everywhere on her body as though everything was nothing more than giant bruise and yet it did nothing to diminish the pleasure and the intensity of the orgasm coming her way. Her body wanted to fold over itself, to retract himself from the intensity of the pleasure but she did not let it. Instead, she forced herself down - or was he the one doing that? - And she let it wash over her.

She came, her core tightening around him, while her nectar flew, wrapping his cock, and leaking out of her. The sudden surge in wetness and the last power up was too much for him to handle and he followed her into nirvana, coating her insides with his seed. He nearly collapsed on top of her but he stopped himself. He slammed his hands on the ground, one of them unfortunately hitting her arm, and smacking her. He saw her wince as he removed his hand away from her. He was breathing loudly through his nose, trying to catch his breath.

There was a left over of the feeling of pain she had inflicted on him but unfortunately he could not relish in it.

Instead, he pushed himself over, popping his cock out of her. He rolled to his side, collapsing on the ground beside her.

Her chest was heaving and she was puffing, never staring at him. Instead, she was wide eyed, staring at the ceiling.

And he did the same.

And then the shame appeared.

-M-

The dawn was breaking through, shining nothing more than a bright orange light upon the kitchen table. Kouga was sitting by himself, his chin resting in the palm of his hand while he stared ahead into the emptiness. There was a coffee mug in front of him but he was not paying much attention to it. The heat irradiated from it, sending a fresh of hot air on his face. After their little _adventure_ , Kagome had managed to drag her body to the couch. Her movements had been sluggish and drunkish. But she had made it. He meant to move her to the bedroom but once she was passed out, he did not dare move her.

And he did not need the bedroom - because he did not sleep. Especially not now.

Memories of her made his cock throb. Thoughts of her swirled in his mind making him intoxicated again. Or was that all the rum he had since day break? He did not even know why he make coffee… He was not going to drink it…

He also did not want her to wake up. He did not want to see her face. He did not want to look at the mark he left behind and he did not want her to look at him with those _eyes_.

She knew he did not want to be touch. She knew he wanted pain. How could she not realize how fucked up he was by now? How could she not leave him now that she knew how disgusting he was?

She had to go. He wanted her to go because he did not want to take her down with him.

As if he needed more regrets, as if he needed more guilt. He already had enough of those for a lifetime, and he would be drinking them away for a lifetime.

But he did not want to regret _her_.

"Morning."

The soft sound of her voice startled him. How could _she_ sneak up on him?

He cleared his throat but avoided any kind of eye contact. "Morning."

He listened to every sound she made, everything she touched. From the grazing of her slender fingers upon the wooden chair to the shift in the fabric of her pants as she moved through the space surrounding him; he heard it all. If he were to pay more attention, he knew he would notice that he had ceased to breathe - but it did not matter. His irises turned red for a beat as he felt the shame that swelled in his chest, a heavy weight that made it impossible to inhale any oxygen. He was not supposed to taint her; he was supposed to keep his darkness inside of himself and never let it out. He ruined her and he did not want to see the damage or repercussions of his actions.

Kouga much preferred running from the truth.

The one thing that caught his attention, that even forced him to dare to look in her direction was a familiar sound. The sound of a glass bottle hitting his kitchen table; the cling of the glass against the hardness of the wood. His ears perked, slightly flaring in direction of the sound and he could not help himself. Blue orbs shifted to the left, and he stared. He stared as he watched her dark mane cascade downwards while she tilted her head backwards. He watched the glistening of her lips as they were smeared with the familiar honey color of his rum. The bottle titled, emptying its content in her mouth and he gazed mesmerized.

She was drinking.

Was she drinking because he drank or was she drinking because she wanted to forget?

Or why not both?

And most of all; did he dare to ask?

"Are we doing silent morning?" Her voice was shakier than she intended which broke away all illusions that she was the confident one. The silent was killing her, slowly digging at her and making her lose her sanity. What happened - happened. She was fine with it - or at least she thought she was. But he clearly was not and that made her doubt everything. Was she wrong? Was she wrong to think what happened was fine? _Well_ , clearly it was not fine. Nothing was fine about burning away someone's flesh while they pounded you. _Well_ , she did not burn his flesh away. He was fine this morning; completely unmarked.

It was - it was messed up.

What was the rule about messed up things? Do not speak of them, pretend they are fine?

She was not good at the whole not talking thing. She really tried.

"Are we going to talk about it?"

He winced. _She_ winced.

Now they were.

Kouga's grip around his mug tightened, his joints turning white. He needed more alcohol if he was going to get through this conversation. "What do you want to talk about?" And down the liquid goes. In one quick maneuver, he emptied the rest of his cup. It burned on its way down and it was exactly the feeling he sought.

"What happened."

He scoffed, a chuckle stuck in his throat, block his airway. "What _did_ happen?"

He did not know, he could not explain it. It was easier with the random girls he picked up. They did not talk, there was no morning after and he certainly did not act with them the way he acted with her. He did not care about them. He fucked them quickly, to relieve the tension, and then he disappeared into the night. He never had to face anyone after his actions. Actually, there was one girl. But - she did not count. He faced her and he faced her and it destroyed him. Or saved him? He did begin his addicting to rum through her. Perhaps it was not as bad he remembered it.

" _I hurt you_."

This time, he had to look at her. "You didn't hurt me." She could never hurt him. He now knew what real pain was and someone like Kagome could never inflict that kind of pain upon him. She did not have it in her, no matter how destroyed she might be. She would never be that cruel, that heartless.

"I did, your skin."

"My skin has nothing," he said looking in her direction but never meeting those orbs of hers. "I heal."

"Do you?"

It was mean, it was full of judgement but she had not been able to help herself. He clearly healed physically but he did not psychologically. Who demanded pain? Then again, who gave it? She welcomed the pounding in her head; it freed her from some of her guilt. Although it was not nearly enough. Hence why she had bottle in her hand, ready to drink again. She understood why he did it now. It was about constantly numbing the new mistakes. Because the truth was; nobody made smart decisions while they were drunk. And then, well, more alcohol was needed to forget the stupidities done the day before.

But the bad part? She had wanted it. She still did. Memories of his hands caressing her skin haunted her. Her core felt warm simply thinking about him pounding inside of her.

Was it wrong?

"It's none of your business." His tone was dry. He did not like to be attacked. He did not like to be judge. "Nobody forced you." Now he was trying to relieve his own guilt. She _had been_ pretty wasted.

"I never said you did."

"Then why do you care?"

"I care about you."

He scoffed. "You didn't use to."

Now he was pushing her away. He was being hurtful on purpose because he thought that would make her run away. If she had not run by now, she was not going to run. "I _always_ cared. The fact that I didn't return your declaration of love didn't mean I didn't care." She healed him when he was injured, she worried when he got hurt. She simply was not in love with him.

As a matter of fact, now that she could look back on her experience, she could see that she did not _know_ _anything_ about love. Because she had thought she was in love with Inuyasha. Which had been a clear mistake. A crush. A nothing.

"Same difference."

"It isn't."

"What do you want from this conversation, Kagome?" he asked, his tone more irritated than ever.

"I want you to look me in the eyes."

But he did not. Instead, he forced her to come to him. Her breasts were nearly to his face as she stood in front of him. He had to be confronted, he had to pushed. Else, she would not get anything out of him. But then again, he was right. What did she want from this? She did not want to give him love any more than he wanted to give her love. They were - different, they were - alike? She did not know anymore.

A long sigh was drawn from his lips but he looked at her. "Happy?" It tasted bitter in his mouth; he was not happy.

"No. Not that you would know what that feels like."

"I don't."

"What happened?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Now that eye contact was made, he refused to be the one who broke it. He was going to stare her down until the moment was over. He was going to look into her eyes until he won. Because he had to win something, anything.

He got to have the best experience, the one he always wanted; he got to make her his. A little bit. Not in the wolf sense of the world, but - well. It was enough. Five hundred years ago, he would have wanted nothing more. He would have simply wanted a touch, a kiss. A promise. He got more than that and there was nothing he could do with it. She was not his - she would never be his. She was a floating light in his life. One that would burn him and one that he could consume - if she let him.

And she would.

Unless she did not step down.

"K-ouga."

"You agreed to do it. You wanted me to fuck you. I did."

The words were real, they were crude and she did not expect to hear them said like that. But this new Kouga hide his real feelings even less than the old version of himself.

"I did."

"Then what is the problem?" Her orbs were shiny. Tears? No. No tears. He did not do well with tears. "If you wanna leave, leave. I ain't holding you back. It was sex."

It was just sex. It was great sex. Minus the pounding headache she was now left with and yes - she could leave. But if she had no left before, why leave now? She did not come for the sex. She stayed because she sought something from him. She stayed because she needed him to let her know how he managed to go on for so long. She stayed because let's face it… where was she going to go? Back home? No, she could not go back home. She was not ready for that step yet. Then again, wandering around, even with the cheapest option— it was going to cost her. This was efficient and this - this was a security blanket.

She knew him, he was from the past. He was the only thing she knew in this world that was now strange to her.

And she was clutching to him.

And it was wrong, but she was doing it.

"I don't wanna leave." The words were hushed like a whisper. Her voice was a tremble, her body was a leaf - shaking.

"Then what do you want?" As he spoke, he rose to his feet, attempting to be as challenging as she thought she was. Now, if he wanted to stare into her eyes, he had to look down. She looked up, her chin ready to dig into his chest now that he was towering over her. Every time he breathed in, he could feel the near brush of her nose against him.

He knew what he wanted. He wanted more pain, he wanted to dip himself inside of her once more. But things were different now. She was different. She actually knew what it entailed.

"Will you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Why I can't touch you."

He used to grab her hands, he used to constantly seek her touch and now - the mere thought of her hands on him seemed to repulse him. A million answers formed in her head but she did not know if any of them were right. All she knew was that he was different.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's none of your business."

Words. Too many words. He did not want her to talk. He wanted her to shut up and listen. Maybe he could at least shut her up. She wanted to dig at him, she wanted answers to questions he refused to ask himself. Why dwell on the past? It was not going to make the present any better. Actually, it would simply make it worse. He hated it, he hated it all.

"What if it is?"

"It isn't."

"I might wanna touch you while you _fuck_ me." She tried not to wince at her use of his vocabulary.

He scoffed. "Then maybe I won't fuck you again."

There was his opening. There was his chance to deviate the subject. If he distracted her, she would forget.

He leaned forward, warm breath tickling over her sensitive skin. It made her dizzy - or was it the alcohol doing that - and she leaned in herself. "Or maybe you're staying because _that's why_ you're here."

It used that fucking voice. The voice he used when he told her about the fantasy, about the blowjob he wished she had given him. And as it did the first time she heard it, shivers went down her spine. More - more but it was never enough.

"I don't know why I'm here."

Finally a truth. One she was convinced of - one that did not leave a bad taste in her mouth.

He would never speak, he would never allow hands to freely roam across his chest - but he could show her. He could show her there was another way. A way that involved the same kind of pleasure without any of the discomfort. She did not know any better. Actually, from what she said, she knew nothing. He could show her, he could mold her. He could wreck her and she would never even know. He could do it all.

Kouga let his fingers wander downwards and she did not bulge. She did not even look down when his fingers began fumbling with the belt upon her belt. And when he undid it and tugged it off her body, she remained like a statue. Why did she trust him so much? Why did she let him do as he pleased? It called out to him - like she was bringing out that side of him, the wild one, that he thought died a long time ago. He wanted to take all the submission she was giving him and use it for himself. He wanted to use it to trick her, to show her things she could not even think of - but, but it was Kagome. And every time a perverted urge rose inside of him, something wanted to hold him back.

But did he even have any remnants of decency left in him? Did he not tossed that out the window when he fucked her? She had been drunk. She did not know.

But now she was sober - maybe - and she was back for more. Was that not a sign?

Doubts rolled off of him as she ran her tongue over her bottom lip, leaving a glister behind, and he knew he had to try. His hands shifted and he gripped both of her arms, moving them away from her body. She watched, a new fear in her eyes, while he slowly wrapped the belt around her wrists and then… he tightened, he tightened, and he only stopped when he was sure her shoulders could not take any more of it.

"Last chance. Are you running?"

-M-

_"Tick-tock. Time is running out for you little wolf."_

_A whimper, nothing more than whimper._

_"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."_

_Another whimper. But louder - or was it more desperate?_

_"I thought you knew better than this. I thought you knew the rules."_

_The leather dragged on the ground. He heard it. He could always hear it. His voice was stuck in his throat. The hair on his back was standing straight. And he could feel it coming. Instincts screaming to run but they could not be followed._

_Nothing could move. Everything was bound._

_"Time is up." And there was a smile in the voice. She was tiny, she had to be._

_"I hate doing this, but you won't learn."_

_And then, the blood splattered._

_And there were no more whimpers._


	6. You Shook Me All Night Long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hate everything about this.

_His blood should have been warmed. It was always warm._

_And yet, as he laid in a puddle of his blood, the liquid nothing more than a thick goo, he found it cold. It did not bring him the sweet warmth he had hoped for - then again, he had stopped hoping a long time ago. Somewhere, in the background, he could hear screams echoing, bouncing off the walls but he shut them out. At least they were not his screams nor his whimpers. And for now, it was all he could ask for. He was a strong creature, he was proud. And he did hold on as long as he could but life was wicked and twisted. Now, he sought the sweet relief of sleep - or death. Whichever came first. Although death would be more permanent. If he were dead, he would not stay up at night, wondering when she was coming back._

_"K-kouga?"_

_It was his name but he almost ignored it. He would have if he had not recognized the voice._

_He heard a loud thud as she collapsed on the floor, her body nothing more than a dead weight. Her long red hair almost touched his face as she twisted her body around in an attempt to look at him. She opened her green eyes and her orbs began to shine. "Kk-ouga."_

_Ayame. Her mouth was bloody, her body was bruised and battered and she had lost the fire that had long ago inhabited her. She was nothing but the shell of her former self. She was someone he no longer recognized. And he did not want to recognize her. She looked at him with a light in her eyes. She looked at him as though he was going to be her hope - but he was not going to be her anything. He could not save himself and he certainly could not save her. He decided to do the only thing he could possibly do; he would ignore her just like he ignored everything else. Despite the begging in her eyes, he tuned her out by closing his eyes. She kept on repeating his name, faintly, but he never reacted again._

_Everybody was alone._

_It was better that way._

_It was also better for her if they did not know they knew each other._

_For her sake._

-M-

The belt was rubbing against her flesh, bruising the skin, tearing it off but she remained as still as she could. Had he not understood that she was not leaving? It hardly mattered how terrifying he was attempting to be. She made the first step and she was going to dip in and go all the way. What was there for her to lose? What was there for her to gain? She was at a stalemate. Maybe if she spiralled down with him, she would finally understand all the questions that escaped her. Maybe she would finally understand him, and by the same occasion, she might end up understanding herself.

She had already decided to go all the way and she was not about to back out now.

" _I'm not running."_

The only thing he wondered was if she could actually keep her hand to herself. Although, with the way he had tied her, he did not think she would be free to roam those hands anytime soon. Good, it was the point. She kept trying to push, she kept trying to see more than she should. He would not magically sit down with her and share his life story. He did not want to think about it. He did not even want his past to be real. And Kagome - no matter what she thought she went through - she was still innocent. He did not want her to hear the horrors of her people, to know the extreme length humans could go to obtain what they sought.

They had no limits and Kagome believed in people way too much.

"Then late to back out then," he warned.

He lowered himself down, his hands gripping at her waist. He dug his thumbs in her hip bones, probably applying more pressure than he should. She nearly buckled under the pressure but his grip on her kept her steady. She swallowed, her throat bobbing as she did so. There was a look in his eyes that she did not recognize. This was the Kouga who enjoyed pain, the one who wanted to suffer. Although _why_ he wanted to suffer still remained a mystery to her.

He buried his nose in her covered crotch and inhaled deeply. There was something soothing about her scent - something that should make him want to run in the other direction but he did not. He tainted her, he took her - and there was no turning back. There was a time when he would have had more honor but that time was long time. He already fucked her while she was intoxicated. What else could he do to show her he was nothing more than a lowly low life now? He had tried everything but she kept coming at him with everything she had. She put him in this position and now they all had to pay the price for it.

He used his teeth to unbutton her pants, scratching his fangs with the material of the jean. It did not matter. He was lucky he still had fangs. He was not about to complain about a little scratch. Once the button was out of the way, he gripped the zipper with his teeth and lowered it until he could no longer bring it down. Already her scent was exploding around him; she was already aroused. He could deal with it. He pressed his nose into her black underwear, inhaling everything she had to offer him. He dared to lap at her cloth covered core and he felt her quiver under his ministrations. Unfortunately for her, her movements were limited.

Kouga used his grip on her to lower her jeans down her legs. She tried to wriggle out of them and he watched her with dark eyes. "If you keep moving so much, I'll have to tie you to that pole." For now her arms were simply stuck together above her head but he could make it much worse for her. The only question was; how far did she want him to go.

Although he warned her it was too late, he would not force himself on her. He would take everything away from her but he would not do that. He had not reached that level of lowness just yet.

Once she steadied, he finished removing her pants, letting them puddle around her ankles. Then, slowly he lifted her feet on at a time and freed her from the restraints of her clothing. The cold air wrapped around her body and he watched as goosebumps formed on her pale flesh. He let his tongue out to play and began to lap at her inside of her thighs. He tasted the flesh, he teased with his skillful tongue as he worked his way up. He touched every sensitive area, making his way to her wet folds. Except, he had no intention of taking away her underwear. Instead, he lapped, his saliva helping wet her already soaked underwear. A moan emerged from her and he smirked.

He wanted to be the one who made her utter such sounds.

A few centuries ago, he would have wanted to be the one to have her. Forever. He would have cherished this moment, he would have laid her down on a bed of roses and he would have made love to her. But he was not that man and he could not do that for her. The best he could do now was to fuck her brains out until she could no longer remember her own name.

It would have to be enough.

He kept lapping at her core through the underwear, enjoying the muted flavor. She was squirming but he could tell she was doing her best to remain still. She was learning. He always got what he wanted now, or nobody got anything. She needed to play by his rules if she wanted to stick around. He had nothing else to offer her but pain and suffering. Perhaps he could add disappointment to the list.

He shoved his tongue inside her core, pushing her underwear inside at the same thing. This time, the feeling overwhelmed her and she buckled her hips, lifting her legs up at the same time. He gripped her thighs, forcing her legs down, and once he had gotten his fill of her sweet juices, he pulled away. He pressed his wet lips to her thighs, leaving a sticky transparent substance upon her warm flesh. "I warned ya."

And he had.

He got back up to his feet and gripped her wrists. He did not free her. Instead, he used his hold to drag her closer to a wooden pole in the kitchen. Her body was trembling from what he had promised and from the unknown. She should be running away and yet she was staying. It was wrong and she should know better but she did not want to know better. She let him drag her, she let him control her and she should not but it sent tingles of thrill throughout her whole body and she craved it. Everything she had known was soft and sweet and he was offering a new side, one she knew nothing of and she wanted it.

He took a shirt that hung on a chair and used it to wrap it around her already tied arms along with the pole. Once he tightened it and secured her into position, he focused his attention on her shirt. She could not touch him but he could touch her. He gripped at the fabric of her shirt and tore it open. The fabric snapped against her flesh, leaving trails of red behind. She winced and yelped out. She thought he might say something but he remained silent. He kept on ripping at her shirt until it was all tattered and then, he discarded the pieces upon the ground. Her bra covered breasts laid in front of him, and he decided he wanted more.

Kouga was to stay dress and she was to bear it all. The more covered he was, the less chances they were that she could touch him. Also, it meant his skin would make less contact with hers and that was fine with him. He reached in the back and unclasped her bra. Her large breasts were dying to be freed as they began to spill out. He used his claws to rip the straps and the bra joined the rest of her clothes on the ground.

She should be upset, she should voice her opinion. It was her clothes he was ripping to pieces. And yet, she was enthralled by the look in his eyes. He was focused, he was acting like a mad man with a plan. Why was he so precise with everything he did? Why could she not touch him. Despite the pain in her arms - and the lack of blood flow, she knew she needed to do this if she wanted a chance at understanding him. He would give her no answer and she had to gather the clues by herself. It was tedious and she did not know if there was an answer to the darkness in his eyes but she had to give it a try.

So she tolerated it.

Also, she would be lying if she did not admit that his action did cause tingles in her lower body.

She was wet for a reason.

This was new, this was fresh.

He gripped her breasts, probably hard enough to leave white marks behind, and he roughly began to flicker her nipples. "Do you like it," he whispered against her teased flesh. "Do you want more?"

Speaking. That was the way to have control; that was what he was shown. If you spoke, if you made the other begged, then you had them. They needed you more than you needed them. And it was how he wanted it. It was the only thing he had learned from those years. That and - _other things he was not going to replicate_.

_"You are greatly helping the research purposes."_

_The voice was cold and icy but he could not see her face. He knew she was enjoying this, just like she enjoyed every torture, every punishment she inflicted upon them. The men did it because they lust for blood and power. That lust, that evilness he could understand. But her reasons were much different. She was simply wicked to the core and he could not accept any of it. Nothing she did made sense. All of it was simply to watch the pain, to create more torture and to relish in it. She got nothing else out of it. She did not get blood, she did not get more power. She simply enjoyed having little puppets to move around._

_And he did move around as she dictate._

_His claws were digging into the cold ground. Except, it was too harsh for his broken down claws. Instead of ripping at the marble, they were simply breaking down. And he kept going regardless. It was the only way he could sometimes tune out what was happening. Ayame was on top of him, his semi-hard cock deep inside of her core. She would ride him up and down, her cunt almost dry. She was not enjoying this anymore than he was. But it did not matter. They were sedated - too weak to fight it, too out of it to really care about what was going on. She had eventually learned that something used to unite them and she wanted to see it. It was what she had said. Something was also mentioned about watching the mating process of beasts. He assumed they were the beasts she was referring to. It did not matter._

_Ayame's breasts would bounce up and down every time she slid down his cock. He did not look. He was looking at nothing. Not at Ayame, not at her. He was staring into the emptiness. There was a beast raging inside of him, one that demanded to be freed but his will power was gone. Even if he had wanted to lift his arm, he could not have. He was locked in his own body, force to watch it all happen from the inside._

_And it was what she wanted._

_But he remembered. He remembered when he used to eat humans like her. A human had shown him a better way and he had followed it. He had thought he had misjudge them the whole time but he had been wrong._

_Kagome had been wrong._

_He should have eaten them all until there was not a single one of them left._

_Another thrust._

_And he came inside of her. And she collapsed on top of him._

_Somewhere in the background, there was a laughter._

Nobody would make him a puppet again. If he wanted to wreck his own life, if he wanted to take his body down, then he would be the one to do it. Nobody could push him in that direction and nobody could stop him. He had all the control. He had to have it.

He reached into his pants, unzipping them before slowly taking his hard cock out. He kept his pants on, he kept his boxers on. He kept it all on. He pushed his cock at her entrance, rubbing it, teasing her and him at the same time. A groan died on his lips as he tightened his grip on his dick. He needed the torture to be longer. She did hurt him like he has asked her to - but it was not the same. He knew Kagome would never truly mean to hurt him. She did not have that kind of rage and darkness in her. She might be different from before but she retained parts of who she was and she could never be a mean person.

This kind of torture though, he could control. Especially now that he had her all tied up. She was at his mercy and he could do as he pleased. He barely touched her as he grabbed her underwear with his fingertips. He slightly moved it out of the way, just enough that he could push the head of his cock at her wet entrance. He watched her legs quivered as he gently rubbed the head along her folds. He watched as she sunk her teeth in her bottom lip, almost drawing blood; he could smell it.

"For fuck's sake," she slipped.

He took a certain pride to her frustration.

She knew she was breaking whatever fucked up illusion he was creating for himself but this was torture. She could feel him, right there, ready to stretch her but he was not. For the first time, she found herself fighting against the restraints. She was pulling in his direction but he had tied her up so tightly that there was no chance of her escaping the boundaries he had laid out for her. She had gone into it without thinking it all through. She was at his mercy. She could not her do a single thing without him dictating it. She was his thing and it was to his will that she had to bend.

Kagome held her breathe as he dipped even more of his cock inside of her. But it was not enough - he was barely in. However, it did not stop him from rolling his hips and dragging out the torture. Sometimes it felt like he going further in and other times it felt like he was pulling out.

"Can you - ugh - just," she did not even know how to think.

How could he have created such a desire inside of her in so little time? How could she need that cock inside of her after only one time? When did he get such a power over her?

And why did she want it?

He watched her eyes, he watched her face distort into pain. He could relieve her. However, if he did that, it would come to a price. He would not let her get away with getting everything she wanted without forking something over.

"Beg for it."

She wanted to be prideful, she wanted to have her dignity intact. Then again, did she not leave everything she was behind when she chose to hurt him in exchange for him fucking her. A lot of alcohol flew in her blood and she wondered; was it going to be an oversize ego or humbleness and courage? What did she want?

" _Fuck me_."

And he plunged his cock inside of her.

-M-

She heard the clinging of the bottles as they rolled down the floor but she could not for the life of her see what was in front of her. That was probably because her eyes were shut. But she could not open them. She could not look, she could not feel. Instead she threw herself on all fours and began to blindly crawl. Her head was pounding, as though someone was hammering it down. The alcohol. It could be the problem or it could be the solution. Maybe if she found some more and drank it, it would take the pain away. It had to be the reason why Kouga kept on drinking without ever stopping.

Unfortunately, his tolerance was much better than hers and she felt the bile rising in her throat. She had been sober for way too long it seemed. How had he been living like this for so long? She thought her liver was about to give up.

SHE was giving up.

Unable to open her eyes or find the wall, she rested on the nearest thing in the foolish hope to stop all the swirling and spinning around that was going on in her head. Once the world stopped spinning, she was finally able to open her eyes without puking her guts out. _She did not even know what day it was_. At this point, it all blurred together. Was it yesterday? Was it tomorrow? She did not know and honestly she was not quite sure she even wanted to know. It might make her feel even worse.

There was something dangerously addictive about this lifestyle.

She looked down at her arms; they were full of scratches and bruises. She knew most of them she got them from him tying her up - tired of her wandering hands - but some she could not even remember getting. Did it even matter?

She meant to try to understand him, she wanted to know and plunge into the darkness but it was not what she expected it to be. She did not know what she expected though. And she did not know what she wanted right; more alcohol, some sleep or some sanity.

Her body decided to answer that question for her as it growled loudly. Food. Right. When was the last time they had actual food? All she could remember was sex and fucking. He might be able to live on that kind of diet, but she could not. Her human body would not allow her to live that way forever. She would need to give it more than fake promises and empty words if she intended on living. And she did. At least, she thought she did.

The only problem she had was that she could not get up. She could not make it on her feet. She did the only thing she could think of; she screamed. "Kouga."

It sounded more like a whim than a scream, but it was not important; he would hear it. And he did. She heard the shuffling of his feet as he got closer to her. It felt like he bent down next to her. She turned her head and met his eyes. "I need food."

She looked like crap. Most of the time he could block it out, being blurred out by his own intake of alcohol but now? Now guilt was swirling inside of him. They had gone through his stock of alcohol - which was not something he did easily despite how much he drank. However, the two of them together was a dangerous road. He unfortunately let himself drag his gaze to her arms. Everything was blue and black. She was a fragile little human but the strength she packed inside fooled him from time to time. She was not like him; she could be broken. She had a point of no return.

He had been pushed into the depths of hell and he came back out. He wished he had not but he did.

She might not come back from it and he needed to remember that.

He could not fuck her again, not yet.

"Let's get you food."

She had dark circles under her eyes which were accentuated by her pale skin. She managed a nod except she could not make it on her feet on her own. Instead, she reached out for him. He hated to be touch but at this moment she could hardly care. It was his fault she was like this. Or maybe it was hers. Or maybe it did not matter at all. All she knew was that she needed help and she was demanding it.

His hand barely brushed hers as he gripped her fingers. In one swift motion, he got her back on her feet. She had to use the wall to brace herself but after a moment, she steadied herself.

"You need long sleeves," he said, bitterness in his voice.

When had it gotten so bad? When did he lose control like this? When he fucked girls it was quick and he never saw them again. He also always drank by myself. This dynamic was not familiar to him. He did not know how to control himself around her; he wanted her and he wanted to wreck her. He wanted to re-mold her until nobody could claim her but him. All that was left of him were his instincts but they were rotten, they were twisted. He should tell her to run but he never wanted to be without her sweet cunt. None of it made sense to him.

She nodded.

If she went out like this, everybody would think he was beating her - except she was the one who had asked for all of this. Anytime he fucked her, she did not feel the pain. Her entire world became numbness and pleasure. Of course, he teased the crap out of her but that hardly mattered in the heat of the moment. She grabbed the first shirt she saw on the bed and slipped it upon her current shirt. The black sleeves were covering whatever prying eyes were not supposed to see and that was good enough for her.

Meanwhile, Kouga was waiting for her in the doorway. As he watched her struggle to even get dress, he wondered if he had made a mistake. He wanted to consume her, he wanted to use her until nobody else could have her. But could he really do that? The more he ruined her, the more it hurt him. Every time he fucked her, he inflicted himself pain. It was good, it was what he needed. Plus, it was technically what she had asked for… so could it really be a bad thing? He did not think so. How could it be? They were both consensual adults and there was nothing wrong with what either of them did.

Then again, his perspective on right and wrong… was skewed.

"I'm ready," she mumbled as she walked past him.

She had to resist the urge to get more alcohol. She knew it would take the pain away but she knew she would feel even worse.

When would death come for her?

-M-

Anything and everything.

That was what Kagome was shoving down her throat. Kouga had taken her to a little restaurant. His mode of transportation? A motorcycle. She did not know why but she was not surprise. It fitted him. Except, she had never been on a motorcycle, which had made the whole thing a little nerve-racking but in the end she had survived. Although, she did feel like puking her guts out when they had arrived at their destination. Still, the smell of food had brought back her appetite and she had about ordered everything on the menu.

"Slow down or you'll choke to death," he chuckled.

How could he joke, how could he be so light hearted while being filled with darkness? There was not one Kouga, there was two. The one that wanted to live and the one that wanted to die. She mostly interacted with the one who wanted to die. Ever since he had shown her every side of him, he rarely showed any sign of happiness. He no longer had to hide his true feelings. He could be as dark as he wanted and he could also be as reckless as he wanted to be.

"When was the last time I ate?"

He honestly did not know. He did not keep track of stupid things like eating. He barely needed any sustenance and he was not one to waste precious money on such things. Although, she had clearly needed it. There were smudges of food on her face but it hardly held any importance to her. She kept forking down everything that was shoved in front of her; eggs, potatoes, bacon. Good thing the breakfasts were cheap or he would not have been able to afford it. And he also needed to buy more alcohol. He was going to have to get a one day job or something if he wanted to cover the cost of everything.

Maybe he needed to slow down on the drinking.

Nah.

"Well, I'll be damn."

At the sound of the voice, his blood froze. This was not good.

"Kouga. In here."

The girl's harsh tone attracted Kagome's attention and she finally put down her fork. As she looked to the left, she saw a girl dressed like a waistress. She had a black top on along with a yellow apron to cover her up. Her long brown hair was twisted into a bun while her brown eyes shone with rage while she looked at Kouga. She was tempted to say _ex girlfriend_ , but Kouga did not look like the boyfriend. He did in the past, but not anymore.

"Hey, at least you're treating her to breakfast after fucking her. Must have been something special."

Ah, she was not an ex girlfriend, she was an ex _fuck_.

Kouga now remembered why he did not enjoy coming to the little town. He usually picked girls that were traveling through, but he could not always tell the outsiders and the locals apart. Kami had been one of those. It had never really bothered him because he never came for breakfast. He did that one time, and it was to fuck her. After that, he never returned. It did not matter to him if she hated him or not. Plus, it was not like he had been rude. He simply had not wish to have any contact with her, past their little fuck. How did that make him a bad guy? He did not make her any promises. He never gave hope; he always told the flat out truth.

Kagome's appetite was suddenly leaving her. She knew the words were meant to hurt Kouga mostly but they were also affecting her. She knew he had fucked other girls. She had known from the moment he had come back with the lipstick on him. Except the way this girl spoke… it made her feel like a cheap whore. She was a cheap whore. She was not dating Kouga - they were having reckless sex. The kind of sex it seemed he was having with half of the world.

"What do you want?" His voice was cold. He did not expect the outburst and frankly he did not enjoy it. He did not want people's attention on him. He liked being invisible, he wanted to blend in and be nothing more than another thing in the decor. She was making a scene.

"What do I want?"

"Leave." His voice made it sound like an order - and it was .

At least Kagome could tell.

"I work here."

"Then go take care of another table."

"I don't think so."

"Do you want to be fired?" She was already making everyone stare at them. All he needed to do was call the manager.

"Have fun with your whore," she spat out as she turned around. She wanted to slap him but the asshole simply was not worth her job.

He let out a sigh when he watched her walk away. He could not have these kind of things happened. Perhaps it was time he stopped all of this. Once Kagome would leave, because she eventually would, it would be time for him to stop fucking around. Sex made him feel better but it appeared risky. If people started asking questions, they would come looking and he simply could not have that happening. He needed to get the situation under control.

"Nice girl," she sarcastically said before picking her fork back up.

"Yea, well, the pickings are slim."

"So go somewhere else."

"There's nowhere else to be invisible."

"Why do you have to be invisible?"

"Because I wanna stay away from humans."

"But you don't mind fucking them?"

"Using them is not the same thing." And he almost wished he had no worded it like that. Too late to take it away. Then again, it might be best if she hated him. He had been trying to get her to hate him from the very beginning.

"Is that what you're doing with me? Using me?" She did not know why she bothered to ask. She always knew what he was doing and he had never hidden it. He was using her to obtain and inflict pain. It was nothing more. There was not a love story hiding somewhere underneath all the pain. It was sex and nothing more. People using people.

He meant to reply, he really did. Except, as he meant to speak, she turned her head. And then he saw it. He did not pay much attention to all her bruises; she had many of them. Some because she try to inflict pain on him or because he inflicted pain on her. But this wound was different. That wound was a fang puncture.

On her fucking neck. When the fuck had that happened? The days had blurred - the alcohol but… no. It could not be.

The sight of it was enough for him to rise from his seat. Kagome looked startled as she watched him move. "Kouga?"

What had she said? He could handle anything could he not?

But he could not.

And he sped away from her.

-M-


	7. We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Her heart was stuck in her throat while a wave of exhaustion and nausea washed over her. He _left_ her there. It was by mere luck that there were a few crumbled dollars in her jacket. The best she had managed to do was give them and then walk away with shame filling her chest. He had abandoned her in the restaurant, post-incident, and he had not given a crap about her. He hammered about how _he_ was not the _same_ \- but she had refused to believe that he had lost who he was to his _core_. Kouga would have never left her like this. Especially considering the fact that she did not even possess a _clue_ as how to get back.

If she could have, she would not have returned.

Unfortunately for her, all that she owned was over at his house.

Right now, the only detail she could focus on was how she was _fuming_ with an absolute, blinding rage. That and that _damn_ tree she was sure she had seen like four times already. She had stumbled upon him by complete accident the first time and she was not quite convinced it was a feat she could repeat. She tried to recognize anything she could as she marched down the forest, hoping to sense his aura. When she had first found him, she had not been looking for him. Now, she was a lot more in tune with his aura and even if he masked it completely, she hoped her powers would be enough to sense it. At least he would give her a hint as to which direction to head towards.

 _Asshole_.

She was trying to put the pieces back together but it did not work. She was well aware that the little waitress incident put a _pause_ on the moment but… he had taken her out for breakfast. He was different, but pieces of him remained. She knew that if it was not the case, he would not have taken her in and he certainly would not have kept her around. He had a lot of issues going on and he clearly did not want to dwell on the past. She represented every single thing he was trying to avoid. And yet he kept her there. Be it because of old times sake, because he was who he was, or because she was who she was. Although, there was no way feelings lasted centuries.

It was just sex.

And it was fine.

At least it was until he abandoned her in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Now it no longer was fine.

Now she was pissed.

Finally, in the midst of all her rage, she saw a glimpse of hope; she saw his house. She was still quite a way but now that she spotted it, she could head that way. She used her left over energy to jog as fast as she could towards him. All she could hope for was that she would not trip on a root and die. Once the house was in view, her cheeks were red both from the effort and the rage that flowed through her blood. She could not exactly _feel_ him but she knew he was in there. And where else could he hide? He did not go anywhere, he kept to himself and he had no one. She was quite convinced she was the only friend he had left and they were not friends.

As she stood in front of the door, she forgot all politeness she was ever taught by her mother, and slammed the door open. Wood slammed against wood, the walls of the sturdy house shaking from the force of the impact. If that did not announce to him that she was there and she was pissed, she did not know what would. Her blue eyes rapidly scanned the kitchen only to find _nothing_. A long sigh slipped her lips; he was in the living room. Most likely drinking. She headed there, her heart hammering in her chest and an indescribable pain in her neck. Had he hurt her neck during their little - _get together_? Most of it was light, pain and feeling - also drunkness. It was hard for her to recall all the details perfectly.

"Kouga, I know you're here," she warned, her voice tense from her anger.

"Not hidin'," a voice came.

He was not hiding. If he had been hiding, he would have not come back home. Although, he came back here because he did not know where else to go. His first instinct was to shift into his natural form and dash into the forest until exhaustion claimed him. It had been tempting but - but he had not been able to shift into that form in centuries. Not ever since _her_. Instead, he was forced to walk around, on human feet, but that thing nothing to ease the rage swirling in his chest. None of that took away what he did and he could not properly vent what he had to vent. Instead, he broke in two a few trees. Not caring if anyone saw him accomplish something like that with his bare hands.

He needed an out and there was none.

And then he sensed her. All walking and anger. And he could have left but again, he had nowhere to go.

There was only one solution; make _her_ leave. She had somewhere else to go. She had continents and cities and - she could go anywhere. She did not have to be here. They were probably people waiting on her. If he could not leave, she would have to go.

Luckily for him, he had become a master at chasing people away. He had not tried his best with her yet but he was about to - she had seen a nice side of him and now she might just believe everything he was about to scream at her.

The only thing he regretted was not having enough alcohol to get through this. He was not trying to hurt her on purpose; although he knew this was going to happen. Then moment she came back into his life he knew he was going to wreck her and that he was going to take everything she had and everything she was. What he did not know was what it would take from him. He was supposed to be empty; everything was taken from him a long time ago. How was there something left for him to take? How was he this reckless and how did he let himself fall back into instincts he did not know he still had? He could no longer take his normal form, but he could mark her?

His body was broken and his mind was shattered.

And somehow that was not enough.

Somehow, he needed much more than that.

She finally appeared in front of him and she looked exactly like he had expected; angry, red cheeks and completely disheveled. He had not meant to leave her in _trouble_ , but he was glad to see she did indeed have money to pay. The moment he had seen that mark on her neck he had done the one thing he had learned to do; run. If something was coming, the best thing to do was run. His instincts had always been on point about that - except that one time. But that was not his instincts. His downfall came with another shape; it came through his pride. And it had cost everything he had and more.

" _What the fuck_ ," was all she found to say.

He was on the couch, like it was no big deal, staring into the emptiness with a nearly empty bottle. She could not tell if her drank it or it was a left over from the days before.

All she knew was that she wanted him to be doing something else. Like grovelling at her feet for forgiveness. But he was not going to do that.

"I'll give ya the money back."

He brought the bottle to his red lips, and swung the harsh, warm liquid down his throat. It slushed around his mouth before making its way down his throat. Yeah, he did not have nearly enough alcohol to deal with her. He did not have enough to forget.

There was only two things he knew; he was going to get rid of her and he was never going to tell her.

One day she would be better and she would deserve much better. If she knew, she might stay and she might try to have something that he could never give her. He would never be better. He would never be a loving boyfriend, husband or whatever. And most of all, he did not want to be any of that. He liked his life, he liked being alone. This was better and this was safer. He did not need either of them to be tied down to the other. He could live with her being far, far away from him. He knew that was the better option - and she would never know.

What was the harm?

She did not need to know and she would be able to live her life the way she was meant to - and it would at least be the one good thing he did. Would that not tip the balance back in his favor? He could not tell anymore.

"I don't want the fucking money back." This was the second time she swore in two sentences. He truly was having the worst influence on her. "I wanna know what's wrong with you, why did you leave?"

"Because I didn't wanna be there," he replied with a shrug of the shoulders. He had been cold with her before and it had not worked. He did not think this time would be any different. But he had to lay in the ground works.

"You don't want to be anywhere. That's not much of an answer." She had not had alcohol in a few hours and she had exercises off most of what had been left in her body. For once, she would not let herself get distracted with trivial things. She wanted to get to the bottom of this. And if he did not like it? She did not care. He did not take her into consideration when he decided to leave her alone in the middle of nowhere so now, she was returning the favor. He could _suck_ it.

"Only one you'll get."

"Everything was _fine_. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," he replied as he jumped to his feet. He downed the rest of the alcohol and then paused. Did he want to be overly dramatic? Did he want to be scary? What would make _her_ leave? She could not sense distress and she could not think that she could help him or save him; that would make her stay. It had to be big enough to send her packing. _It was worth a try_. He threw the bottle on the ground, the force of the impact forcing it to shatter in pieces around them. She jumped, startled by the noise and the shards of glass spilling everywhere and he watched while she hid her face with her hand.

"This is who I am."

"This is not who you are," she said as she let her arm fall back to her side. He had tried to be scary before and it had not worked. He could not keep on avoiding questions by simply hiding behind his rage. Whatever happened to him - it could not be worth everything he was. She had come to him for answers, she had hoped to find a way to push through it. But - as time went along, she realized more and more that he was not pushing through it; he was burying himself further.

Except now he had given her a taste of that kind of life. The one where you could forget.

She hated it.

"How the fuck do you know who I am?"

"Because I know you."

"No you don't!" he shouted loudly as he closed the distance between their bodies. "You know the little stupid wolf. The one who believed, the one who thought he could have it all." He banged on his chest, his index finger nearly going through. " _I am not that person anymore, do you get that_?"

"I know that," she screamed back. The tears began to prick at her eyes and she did her best to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. She had to be dominant, she had to put out as much as he was giving out. She had to stand her ground or he would push her away or walk away again. "But that person is still inside."

"That person is dead. Stop. Do you get that? I took you in… by pity." He had to get mean, he had to hurt her feelings until there was no coming back. He had to focus on recking her even if it took away all the humanity he had left inside of him. "I fucked you, because you were the only option." He scoffed. "You're the only strong thing that can hurt me. You think I wanted this?" He bumped her chest with his. "This isn't a game. This is life. And life is shit. I told you and I told you. I told you to leave, but you stayed." His nose touched hers. "You're pathetic. You can't even run when you're told to run."

Her whole body was shaking from the intensity of the feelings filling her. Her fists were shaking by her sides and even if she wanted to shout, she could not. Her voice was gone and her throat was clamping up. " _Fuck you_."

"You mean _fuck_ _you_." He leaned his head to the side, avoiding the side of her neck that had his mark and he let his warm breath tickle over her ear. " _You begged me to do it remember?_ " He let his hands wander to her waist and he expected her to slap them away but she did not. She let him grab her and he tilted his hips into hers, his erect cock applying pressure.

Of course he was hard. How could he not be? At least it did not go against the words coming out of his mouth.

"Do you want that again?" He scoffed. "I ran away," he whispered in her ear before nibbling her earlobe. "I treated you like shit, and now, you want me to fuck you?"

She froze; her body already responding to the touches. She was mad at him and she wanted to rip his head off for the way he was treating her, for how he was referring to her but - but she liked the feelings, the void it created in her when he fucked her. She forgot who she was and she could be anything. She craved that feeling. He gave her addictions and now it was like he was trying to take them all away from her. How was she supposed to find her groundings, how was she supposed to improve when he kept her on this tight lease?

"I don't," she finally whispered.

His fingers tickled under her shirt, the fingertips simply brushing the sensitive skin. Immediately, she shivered, goosebumps covering her whole body. She wanted the promises his fingers held but she wanted to hold her ground even more. She moved, her fingers wrapped around his wrist and she tugged him away. He was stronger than her, he could have stayed, but he obeyed the command and removed his hand.

"Still a little bit of fighting left," he said as he finally pulled his face away from hers. "Why don't you use it to leave?"

"Why are you so scared?"

"I ain't scared."

Now it was her turn to scoff. "You're terrified."

"I ain't." She did not know fear. In fact, she knew nothing at all if she thought the emotions shining in his eyes resembled fear. She had never known true fear - she had never known anything. He did experience fear in his life, until he was scared to death and everything was taken from him. Now, after being dragged through hell, he was not scared of anything. Fear no longer existed in his heart. Nothing could break him, nothing could scare him. He had experience something close to fear when he saw the mark on her neck but - it was not permanent. He could get rid of her, he could forget all about it.

If he knew how to do one thing, it was that.

"You don't know what fear is," he finally added before turning his back on her. This was not going the way he wanted. This was not her being scared - it was her grasping at straws and trying to pull him back in.

"Get your shit and get out."

She wanted to fight, she wanted to do something and make a difference but - she could not impose herself any more than he had not impose himself on her.

"If that's what you want."

He almost turned around because he could not believe she had given up this easily. He thought he would have to scare her, to prove to her that he was nothing more than a monster but - but she gave into it just like that.

"It is," he said, his teeth gritted as he stared through the nearest window.

She waited there, thinking he was going to turn around. But he never did. Instead he remained there, completely stiffed. She let her shoulders slumped and finally resigned herself to walk away. She dragged her feet towards the bedroom, knowing it was the only place she remembered having any of her stuff. It was not as though she had brought much. She listened for any words, but there was nothing, not even a sound. Her feet were heavy, her words were stuck in her throat. What in the world… all they did was have breakfast and then - and then she did not know what happened. He never explained it to her. He just - flipped.

What happened to him.

What made him so cold, so flip-floppy.

She wanted to know and yet, she could not force anymore than she had. Or could she?

Something made him flip like this. Something made him push her away. Was it the other girl or was it something else? She did not know what to do. Once she reached the bedroom, she grabbed her bag. She could see some of her stuff covering the bed and the ground but - she did not want it. She did not want to begin picking up her stuff and gently packing it away. She wanted to leave because he wanted her to go. Not once had he forced her out and now he was. And he was right on some level; she did not know this Kouga.

The bag was heavy as she swung it over her shoulder.

She exited the room and she nearly expected to find an empty living room but no - this Kouga, was standing his ground. Though he was not the same Kouga as early in the breakfast place. He was a whole other Kouga. He was one who did not flee. How many versions of himself did he have inside of him? And what shattered him in so many pieces?

"I'm going," she whispered, knowing only his sensitive ears could ever hear those words.

He said nothing.

There was a heaviness in her chest, there was a pain in her heart and a burning on her neck. What - what was happening? She winced through the pain, thinking he might notice but he did not. She pinched her lips together, forcing them to turn white. This was not how she thought it might go when she first found him. And it certainly did not seem like it would end like this. Now he was forcing her out. He had made a blip in her life, he had forced her to walk around different venues but he snatched it all away. Now, all she could do was… try to make sense of it all.

He lived off the grid. She would never see him again. She would never stare into blue eyes again.

This was it.

She finally popped her lips and then, she made her way to the final destination; the door.

It took a while but once he heard the door close, he finally let himself collapse to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs, hugging himself. It would hurt for a while. She would not feel it - she did not even know. There might be some pain. But nothing she could not live through. He on the other hand had added himself another layer of pain. Now there were no other choice for him; he needed to get more alcohol.

He needed to forget her.

All over again.

-M-

_Life_. Life was a bitch.

Life put her in a situation that she never wanted to be in.

Years went by and then, everything became kind of muted. There were a few things that gave her some joy, things that made her smile but they were things she needed to mute. Some days it was fine. Other days she did feel the urge to forget. It was a nagging pain inside of her, one that she could never get rid of, no matter what she did. In the beginning, it was simply annoying and she considered it normal. After all, what had happened had been slightly traumatic. It was normal that she needed time to get over it.

But then weeks became months and months became years and it remained.

She had not loved him. He could not have made that much of an impact on her life and yet he had.

He had thrown a curve ball and fucked up every sides of her life.

Of course, he was not there to deal with the consequences of his actions but she was. She had to take it upon herself to be everything and to clean the damage his recklessness had left behind. Some times, she almost gave up. She had come to him in need of answers and all he had done was give her more questions. How was she to figure out this whole mess? How was she supposed to be something when she did not know how to be anything?

And every time she almost gave up, her mother was there to lift her back up.

She had welcomed her back with open arms and she had not asked questions. At least not at first. Sometimes she did but - then she gave up.

And it was why Kagome still lived at home, now that she was 23 years old. It had given her little brother a chance to live his dream of being a soccer player. Despite her job at the local library, Kagome helped around the shrine. During nights, she studied. Of course, it was classes by correspondence because she never had the grades to get into anything. Because of the two jobs, it was taking her forever but eventually she would finish and her life would be better.

And yet she would remain at the shrine.

"Kagome, did you have time to buy groceries?"

She looked up from her book, her glasses sliding down her nose. "Hm, no I forgot."

Her mother looked at her, then her book and finally at the glass beside her. No, she had not forgotten the rum. She did not always do that. She did keep herself on a tight lease but sometimes it took the edge away. After all, it was what Kouga had taught her; if you want to forget something, drink it away. He had proven that it did not work but - it helped for a while. It was probably the only thing her mother passed a judgement upon. The other things she let slide or at least, Kagome never noticed if she did not. She was always careful, she never even brought anybody home with her. If things were to happen, they happened somewhere else and she always came back home.

Sometimes it was the same person, other times it was a rather person. Although, that was less and less. She no longer had the time to be going around bars, picking up men she did not know. And once she was over twenty years old - it - it simply was something that did not feel right anymore. It was better to have the same person all the time. Unless there were feelings involved. Those were messy. She did not want feelings and she was not looking for a relationship. She did not have time for that.

Two things. Two things that helped her numb the pain and neither lasted for very long.

It was something.

She did have that one thing though. It was something that made her happy and sad at the same time. It was everything all at once.

"Mama?"

She dropped her book to the table and both her mother and her turned their heads in direction of the stairs. "What's going on buddy?"

"Nigh-mare."

Kagome's mouth twisted into a pout and she got up from the table. She rushed to his side before ruffling his brown hair with her hand. "Did the light go off?"

He nodded. "The elephant gone!"

She had slowly started to put a timer on it in the hopes that soon enough he would get used to not having it but it was not happening. Anytime it went off, he would wake up. There was something about the darkness that simply terrified him and no matter what she did, nothing worked. "Come on, I'll go up with you."

"I can go if you need to study."

"It's fine," Kagome said with a smile. She had mostly been at the drinking part of the studying thing. It did not matter at this point. Plus, she had a pounding headache and laying down would be good for her.

"Night, granny."

"Night, pumpkin."

Kagome helped him up the stairs - one at a time and very slowly - but eventually they reached the top. She did what he always liked; she grabbed both of his hands and swung him over the last step. He _wee-ed_ as his tiny feet hit the ground. "Your bed mama?"

She nodded. "Yours is too small."

At first he had been sleeping with her but once Souta left, they modified his room slightly. He was far away for college and he did not mind giving his nephew his room. And she figured that his intentions were to not come back. Now that someone was officially there to take over the shrine, there was no point. She had relieved him of his duties. Their grandpa had argued for a bit but then - _then he passed away_ and none of it mattered. Her mother and her decided it was best for Souta to do what he liked and she had no real plans. The shrine was better than nothing and it was big enough for her. She had enough room for everyone and everything.

Plus, she could never move out. How would she do all of this without her mother's help?

She had been too young and too stupid. Honestly, she still was. On some days, she needed her mother to remind her that someone depended on her or she would let the darkness and the pain claim her. When he was around, it was not a problem. It was the moment he was out of sight. Once she numbed herself enough, for a mere moment, she forgot. But she loved him, she loved him so much. He was the only man she would ever love. Looking into his eyes eased the pain in her heart.

He was a mistake, one that certainly was not planned and something she almost did not go through with. She knew the risk it entailed to raise someone who was half-half. She knew the difficulties of doing it at a young age and most of all, it bothered her that he was born out of love. But she gave him enough love for two people. Everyone made sure that he was not missing a part of his life. Souta had been a strong male figure in his life and he continued to be, even though he was far away from them.

Sometimes she wondered if it would have turned out like this if she had stayed. She would have lost it, or maybe even terminated it.

But there was one thing she was absolutely sure of; Kouga could not be a father.

She could barely hold it together and he was worse off than she was. It was better this way. Sometimes, there were questions. Especially once he realized that other people had a dad. At first, since her own father was dead, it was not something he pieced together. Then, he saw other kids' parents and the questions came. She dogged them as much as possible. She answered the best she could, but she left a lot of details out. It was the best way to go about it. What could she even tell him? She did not know Kouga.

"Mama?"

"Yes Haru?"

"Blue eyes. It scare me."

She frowned. "In your dream?"

He nodded, his growing hair swaying. His eyes were a deep blue, exactly like his. He had gotten a lot from him. No tail though. And his ears were normal but - she did not know if it was a forever thing or a growing up thing. Her knowledge of half youkai was - limited to Inuyasha and there was nobody she could ask to about this kind of stuff.

They did the best they could.

But the blue eyes did worry her.

She had the same dreams.

Sometimes it would spread like a shadow in her mind, waking her up in the middle of the night.

It had happened at first upon her return but eventually it went away. Except now it was coming back? And it was inflicting her son as well?

"It's just a dream," she said as she scooped him from the ground and dropped him on the bed. "I'll protect you," she said as she kicked the blanket away with her feet.

She laid down and he snuggled himself close to her, burying his face against her. She pressed her chin to his head, tucking him close to her. She would always protect him. She had her flaws and she made a lot of mistakes but she would not let anything happen to him. He was her whole life. He was the reason she kept going. Nobody would get to him. And she would not let any harm come his way, no matter the cost. He was better off being protected like this.

From nightmares.

From Kouga.

-M-


	8. Many Rivers to Cross

_She was stressed_.

She had nightmares. Haru had nightmares. The shrine was falling apart and they did not have enough money to fix the rough. She had an exam coming up and she could not study for it because she took extra shifts at work to pay for the shrine. And worst of all, she absolutely could not drown any of those problems with alcohol. She worked too much and she felt like showing up to work after a few drinks was not ideal - at least not if she intended on keeping her job, which she did. Instead, she had to let her frustrations out some other ways. Unfortunately for her, the situation was not ideal but she would make the most of it.

"Oh, fuck."

There was nothing but the sound of her ass slamming against his thighs echoing through the room. He was gripping at her like she was going to slip away and he was groaning way too loudly considering where they were.

But his cock was getting the job done.

She never tried to mix pleasure and work. It was messy and it always led to a bunch of problem. But when she came in to work this morning, she was stressed out. She had too much to do and not enough time for herself. On top of it all, it rested on her to fix everything and she needed an escape. A nice delivery boy came - she had seen him once or twice. It was responsible for mail - at least she thought he was - and then… well, he was young, he was cute. And he had winked at her before. It was - the one solution she had found to release all of her stress; sex. She had asked him if he could help her with something - how cliché - and he had followed her to the back room.

It had not taken much to convince him to fuck her.

And now there she was, bent over a desk while he was pounding inside of her.

It was not like when Kouga fucked her. It was not raw, it was not full of pain and full of release but if she focused hard enough, she could forget where she was. She closed her eyes, trying to feel nothing but his cock slipping in and out of her, numbing her to everything else in her life. Her shit life. And it worked. Until she felt him tremble and then she knew he had unleashed himself in the condom that separated them. She never took a chance again and she never fucked without a condom. She kept a whole bunch of them on her - never again. He had told her it was safe and then apparently he had forgotten to check again. She did not regret her son but she was not about to have another kid.

He collapsed on her back for a second and she resisted the urge to annoyingly sigh. She was not a pillow and it was not like they were in the perfect place to take a break. She was already jeopardizing her job fucking him here. Could he not hurry? His chest was sticky against her back as he finally released her ass from his grip. He finally pulled himself out of her dripping cunt. _There he was,_ all proud but she had not even come. She pulled her shirt down along with her skirt while he removed the condom from his flaccid penis. She retrieve her underwear from under her ankles and put them back in place.

He had his pants puddled at his feet along with underwear that had the words _top dog_ written everywhere in white. _Great_. He was truly young.

"I- Hm, so can I call you?" he finally mustered up the courage to say.

He had seen her more than once and he had dreamed about that ass but he never thought he would ever get to go out with her — much less fuck her. When she had gripped his cock with her hands, asking to be fucked, he thought it was a dream come true. She had been watching him like he had been watching her. Now that this first step was out of the way he would not mind fucking her again. They did not even have to date. He would be fine just watching that ass all day long.

"I don't think so," she said as she smoothened her skirt back into an acceptable state.

"What?"

"It was a one time thing, nothing else."

She fixed her hair rapidly - she knew she had to get out of here fast or he would start pushing the issue or asking more questions and she did not need him to do either of those things. She thought men loved it when it was a one time thing and they did not have to worry about anything else. Why did they all keep on disappointing her? Why couldn't sex just be sex? Why did it have to be anything more? Although, she had to say, this was not quite sex. It was mostly - she did not even know. No orgasm… and now he was being annoying. In the end, she might have done this for nothing; she was about just as stressed as she had been before he fucked her.

A waste of an opportunity.

But this was the only risk she could afford to take today. She might have to take a tiny shot of alcohol once she would be back home. Unless her mother was present - then it was better not. She had drank enough this week and she did not need her mother's judgy eyes on her on top of it all. Plus, Haru had a - thing - she forgot - was it the boy's scouts? She did not even remember.

On top of being stressed, she was a horrible mother.

It was too hard to be everything at once - but he was the one reason she was holding together, trying her best to be everything.

He was her light.

-M-

He should not be here.

He did not know anything about here anymore.

One day he had left and he had promised himself that he would never return. The worst of it was that it took him forever to get back there. He lived as off the grid as he could and that made traveling a near impossible task. Well, when it was across oceans. Fortunately for him, he knew other low key people and after a while, he had managed to make it back to where his home used to be; Japan. He had promised himself that he would never set foot here again but - but there were whispers and he had heard something. It was too tempting for him to not check it out. He had resisted the urge for a long time but now, the time had run out.

Apparently, _Ginta_ \- who was supposed to be dead and bury, something he had seen with his own eyes - was having a funeral today. Of course, that was no longer his name in the real human world but it did not matter. It got to him that he was not dead. But he saw him die. There was no way he should have survived and somehow, he had? Ginta was related to a lot of memories he would rather forget but if he had been alive, if he had - a family? Heirs? He owed him to pay his respects at the very least.

He was a pack creature by nature. One that had been very alone for a very long time. He had drank a lot, convincing himself that coming served no purpose. Even if his brother had survived everything, he was now dead. What was the point of putting himself in harm's way? What was the point of coming to see a dead man? It took him a long time to move his ass off the couch but he eventually did. Now that the scents of Japan were drifting up his nose he was truly regretting it. He should have stayed where he was. He did not belong anywhere. Here there were people, and there were - he could not be what he was; a monster.

Heck, he was unable to bring his own alcohol and now he would have to splurge on some. Like he had that kind of money laying around.

That and the fucking hotel.

As if he wanted to pay a fucking hotel.

As if he wanted his name anywhere.

As if he wanted to be in Tokyo.

Frustration rose through him as he walked down the streets, a green bag hurled over his shoulder. His bangs were sweaty, glueing to his forehead. Anything set him off now. Anything. He had expected it; he had made her leave. He had fucked a bunch of women since she left; and every time he came she was in his head. He did not even love her. All they were doing was fucking and somehow she was in his fucking head all the time. There was a need and aching but he ignored it all the time. She was also a reason why he had not wanted to come to Ginta's funeral. He vaguely recalled her saying home was somewhere in Tokyo. In a shrine.

Now, he had no idea if she had returned home or not. Or what the fuck she had done with her life. And Tokyo was a big city but - he did not want to be near her. What if the pull was too much? What if the bond tugged at him even more than it already had during the past few years? He remembered the first week she left; he howled at the moon for seven days straight. Eventually he had to get a grip on himself before he gave his identity away. But it had been difficult. The primal part of him wanted her - he had marked her after all. That one unbreakable bond. One he thought he would have with her five hundred years ago.

Now he was no longer kidding himself.

They were not a match - not a good one anyway.

And he could not love anyone. He could not love anything.

All he could do was destroy everything he touched. He had done the best thing for her when he had sent her away. If she had stayed by his side her life would have spiralled out of control like this and there would have been no coming back for her. Nobody would know what the mark was and she would live a normal life, with a normal human husband and probably go on to have normal human kids. Her life could get better and he was kind enough to have given her that chance. Whatever inch of kindess and softness had been left inside of him, he had used it to send her away and now there was none left.

He had been a dick the past few years.

He had fucked girls in alleys, leaving before they could even pull their panties up.

He had drank more than he should have and he was surprised even his youkai body was not giving up on him. Some nights, when it was too hard, he would try some drugs but they were harder to obtain since he lived so secluded from society - something he enjoyed.

Each time he found new tricks.

And none of them worked. They only helped to amplify the darkness growing inside of him. All he could do was hope that it would slowly consume him until there was nothing left. Yes, that could be the thing that would cost him his life. Finally, his suffering would be over. Because he was too much of a coward to end it all himself. He had tried but - he could never completely finish it. All he could do was have more pain, more scars and more suffering.

One day he might succeed.

The streets surrounding him were quiet and mostly dark. There were a few lamps lighting up the way, but they were not bright enough for anybody to see his face. It was not as though he thought someone would recognize him but he preferred lurking in the shadows. It was easy to tell that the cold nights were coming because it was not even late and yet, darkness had swallowed everything. He kicked his feet with each step he took, focusing on simply making it to the hotel. Once he got there he would be able to get smash and then everything would be well.

He was about to cross the street when suddenly he was stopped by the sound of an object bouncing in his direction. Immediately his ears flared up and he turned his head to the left. He watched as a bright green ball stumbled down the stairs and rolled all the way to his feet. It only stopped when it hit the side of his brown shoes and he arched an eyebrow. His puzzlement did not last long since a few seconds later a little kid followed the same path as the ball. Tears were puddling in his eyes as he rushed down the stairs as rapidly as his chubby little legs would let him. His arms were waving in front of him, as though that would help him get the ball any faster.

The boy seemed so preoccupied by his ball that he never even seemed to notice Kouga. At least not until he picked up the ball from the ground, relief lighting up his face as though all the world problems had been solved. _Kid_ s. They were stupidly ignorant about everything. This one especially; who the fuck ran down the stairs like that?

"Thank you."

Kouga blinked once. Did he just thank him? For walking in front of his ball?

"Shouldn't take to strangers kid," was the only warning he intended on giving him. He was lucky he was not a psycho killer or a child kidnapper. That kid was way too trusting.

The kids's blue eyes light up with a fire before he pouted. "I don't." He hugged his ball closer to his chest, his brown bangs now almost covering his eyes.

Whatever he did not have time for this crap.

"HARU!"

The shrieking voice nearly sent all of his instincts in alert but he managed to hold himself back before he took a defensive stance. His heart was beating rapidly as he watched an older woman tumble down the stairs, panic flashing through her brown eyes. Her long black skirt was flowing around her as she took the steps two by two, attempting to reach the ground faster. Once she spotted the little boy, he saw her smile. She took the last stair and then, kneeled in front of the boy.

"What did grandma tell you about going in the street?" she said before wrapping her arms around him. He had scared her half to death.

"Mommy said no."

"And grandma said no too," she said as she pulled away. She gently tapped the tip of his nose with her index finger before letting out a sigh. That boy had too much energy and was way too fast for his own good. It was getting more and more difficult to actually keep up with him. It was in times like these that she could tell he had youkai blood. Soon enough, Kagome might be the only one who could keep up with him - and even then. Although, truth be told, she did not know much about Haru's father. Kagome had kept quiet about it and Miyu had not pushed the issue.

When she would be ready to talk, she would. Until then, she would wait and be as supportive as she had been during the last few years.

"I'm really sorry about this, sir," she said, finally acknowledging Kouga's presence.

This is why he did not like the city. This is why he was already missing the piece and quiet he had deep in the forest. He had been here less than an hour and he was already forced to have too many interactions with too many he did not care about. He forced himself to give her a tight lip smile and then, he waved her off. If he spoke, it might encourage her and then this conversation might be never ending. He was not somewhere where he could easily hide which meant he had to be civil at the very least or he might get himself in more trouble than he wanted. He tensed up, squaring up his shoulders - it was time to leave before it got even more out of hands.

Suddenly, all thoughts were interrupted when the clacking of high heels echoed through the vicinity. He was forced to raise his head to see just what the fuck was making that noise. _And then he stopped breathing_.

There, running, was _her_.

Her long dark locks were wrapped into a bun, her body covered by a green blouse and skirt. She was running, her heels clacking, her cheeks red and a tiny layer of sweat building up around her forehead. She did not see him but he saw her.

"I'm so sorry," she said breathlessly as she quickly stopped in front of them. "I missed the bus - and then my boss - and then," She stopped talking to put her hands on her thighs, trying to catch her breath.

This was not happening because this could not possibly be true. She could not be here. He could not have been here in this short amount of time and see her. Because life hated him but he did not know it could be this cold and this cruel. He was supposed to be able to catch a breather, he was supposed to be able to pause for a moment. This was not pausing, this was - this was death. This was his punishment for - for everything he had done. He knew he was supposed to make a dash for it while she had wait to realize who was in front of her but he could not. He was locked in place, his eyes staring at the mark on her neck.

He had not chased her away to find himself in this situation.

He had not broken all rules and came here to find her.

This was all wrong.

He had to flee.

"Mama! Haru found the ball!"

Mama?

Did that kid call her _mama_?

For a moment, the whole world spun. She had done exactly what he thought she was going to do; she healed and she moved on. Although his eyes were locked on her for a good moment now - even if he should be running away from her - his nose finally began to work. She reeked of another man - and of sex. He could tell because he had marked her and his scent was supposed to always be on her. It was currently being masked by someone's else odor. And that was okay because - she had a little boy with someone else. And this was exactly what he had been hoping for. He thought if he saw she had the life he thought she would, it would be easier.

But it was not.

Because his instincts were not happy with him. He had let her go to someone else. He had let someone else lay a claim on what he had marked. She reeked of someone else's cock and odor and it was like she was tainted.

He had fucked a bunch of women. He did not care.

But deep inside, a part of him did and he wanted to crush that part. She was not his, she never was. The only thing she had ever been was a giant mistake he wished he had never made. Nothing else, nothing more. He wanted no part of this.

"The man helped!"

"The man?" she asked with a smile as she ruffled her fingers through his hair. She titled her head upwards and then - and then she died. Something inside of her died while she looked into a pair of blue eyes she thought she would never see again. The world stopped moving, her heart stopped beating and her guts twisted enough for her to want to puke on the spot.

She could not move, she could not look away. A terror had taken hold of her body and she began to tremble as though she feared for her life. She wanted to take her son and run and she wanted to beat the crap out of him. She was what she was because of him. He lured her into a false security, he lured her into trusting him and then he took everything she was and he gave nothing back. He made her life a mess and now - now… if it were not for the words her son had spoken, she would think she had gone crazy, she would think she was hallucinating.

But Kouga stood in front of her.

And she knew in that moment and despite everything she wanted, everything she needed, she had one task; she had to protect her son from him.

No words left her lips but she did manage to tear her eyes from him. She felt the vomit rising up her throat, the contractions of her intestines and her stomach as they wanted to expel everything she had eaten that day. She held it back. She was not Kagome. She was Haru's mother. And her priority was him and she had to focus on him.

And for fuck's sake she needed to get away.

She did the only thing that came to her; she wrapped her arms around her son, picked him up from the ground and she run up the stairs like her life depended on it.

And it did.

-M-

It was not real.

He was not real.

Kagome's back was pressed to the door while she sat there in the darkness. Her head was leaned back, casually banging against the wooden door. There was a bottle of vodka in her hand but she had yet to open it. She had meant to actually finish the whole thing but her stomach did not agree with her. As soon as she had gotten her son to safety she had puked her guts out until there was nothing left for her to puke except a yellow acidic liquid - and then she had puked some more. Her stomach burned, her throat was raspy and though the vodka might ease away all the pain in her head, it might make her physical pain worse.

Tears had spilled out of her eyes had some point but she could not recall when.

He was not supposed to be here.

He was supposed to be oceans away and her and her son were supposed to be safe.

Her mother had looked at her strangely, her mother - and her son - had asked questions but she had answered none of them. Instead, she had locked herself away and she had not emerged since then. What the fuck was she supposed to say? She was never to be in this situation and she had not prepared for it.

It had taken a few hours for her to even breathe normally. At some point she thought hyperventilation was going to take her and relieve her from her sweet misery but she calmed down. Because - because he was here but he knew nothing. There was absolutely no way for him to tell that Haru was his. Haru could be anywhere between 3-5. Kouga probably did not get a good look at him. Although why was he in front of the shrine? No, no he could not tell. He did not know. But he was supposed to be a loner in the middle of the woods, in another country. So why had he come to her shrine? But he had no followed her up and -

Oh god all these back and forth were going to kill her. They were going to take her sanity away.

All she could do was - wait?

It had to be something other than her - other than Haru. Kouga would not move from where he was, Kouga would not venture into the world like that - not for her and not for a kid. He did not want kids, and he did not want her. It was not about her son. She had to think rationally about this. He would rather be free of this responsibility than to have it. It was a twisted moment of fate, one made to ensure that her life was complete hell, but it had to be random. And yet, her heart refused to stop pounding in her chest. She would never be able to sleep again, she would never be able to stop looking over her shoulder.

Most of all, what if he was still there?

What if he waited for her right now?

What if he had never left?

It was not as though she had inspected the area. As soon as she had gotten her son to safety, she had puked - grabbed the alcohol - and now she was in the dark. Maybe she had to check. Maybe she needed to re-grasp her sanity. She could not feel him in the vicinity but then again, she had never been quite good at that. _But she had felt him that one time at his house_. Ugh, this was so complicated.

She did not know why, but she knew she needed to go outside and check.

It might be the only thing that could give her some kind of peace of mind. Her hands trembled as she put down the bottle of vodka. She meant to put it down quietly but her body had other ideas in mind as it loudly crashed upon the floor. It did not matter. All that mattered was that she had to find her self control before she passed the front door. She quietly opened the door of her bedroom, another wave of nausea hitting her. She made it down the stairs only to notice it was completely dark; her mother had put Haru to bed and she herself had gone to sleep. It was probably best that way. If they had been awake, there would have been way too many questions for her and she could not possibly handle that right now.

Her steps were quiet and slow but she finally made it downstairs. Once she reached the last step, she tried to peek outside but saw nothing. But he could still be by the stairs.

She managed to drag her trembling body all the way to the first steps of the shrine. All she found was the wind and the emptiness in the world. She wanted to be relieved, she wanted to let some happiness wash over her but she could not.

There was something in the back of her mind that was telling her that she should not feel at ease, that she should be on her guard but she could not explain why she felt that way.

"So you're a mom now huh."

 _That was the reason_.

She stiffened and she did not dare to turn around; it was better if she was not looking at him. Looking at him would allow him to see the truth in her eyes and she could not let that happen. "Mm-hmm."

Words were bad too.

He did not know why he had waited. He should have gone to his hotel, he should have gotten completely smashed until he forgot he even saw her. And yet somehow, he ended up lurking in the shadows until she appeared. Because he knew she would come to him. For the same reason he had stayed, she had come. He had mistakenly bounded them and now they were too close to each other. He had made her run away twice… could he do it again? Actually, could he walk away now that his instincts were challenge? They were harder to fight. He had buried them for so long that he no longer knew what his control on them was.

"You've been fucked recently."

She hated his fucking nose.

But, that one little mistake did give her an alibi.

"Can't make a kid by myself."

But he did not smell a man. There was no man in the house - just her and her mother. Why was there only her and her mother? He could feel his eyes darkening but it did not make him walk away from her. It made him get closer. As though he was going to touch her but he never would - never again. It was not his place to ask her questions but he was.

"What the fuck do you want Kouga?" she finally spat out. The silence was killing her - his presence was killing her. "What are you doing here?"

"Ginta died."

"Oh."

It was not about her - relief washed over her like a warm blanket on a cold night. He was not here about her - he was not here about her son. He could not get involve in her life, he could not take away what was hers. She could walk away from him and she could know that she was free. "Sorry to hear." She might hate Kouga with a passion but Ginta had never been anything but nice to her. "Now get the fuck off my property." He had insulted her when he had made her leave. The years had not helped her forget the words he had spoken to her. "You and I - we have nothing to do with each other. I left you be - leave me be."

He wanted it to be that simple.

He did not want to be thinking about shoving his cock in her dripping cunt. He did not want to think what it would be like to bend her over the stairs, her hands tied behind her back. He did not want to think about fucking her but he was. Already his cock was waking up and he knew it was bad. It was not him - as with everything else in his life, he was not in control. There was nothing he could do to fix this. Even being here was making it all worse - he had to walk away from her. He confirmed that she had her new life, he confirmed that she had moved on like she was supposed to and yet - there was something off about her.

Was the smell of puke? Maybe she was pregnant again.

Was it the dark circles under her eyes? Mothers rarely slept.

What was it?

He could not pinpoint it.

"I don't wanna see you here again," she warned as she finally gathered the courage to turn around.

She met his eyes and she knew she had to look as serious as possible. She could not let him know what he had done to her, she could not let him know what he had given her. If he knew, he would ruin it, he would rot it like he had done to everything else. Like he had done to her.

"Or I will use my powers on you." Her nostrils flared. "And this time you won't enjoy it."

She would defend her son even if it cost her everything she had. He was her humanity, he was her light and he was the one good thing left about her. When she held him, she could feel, when she held him, she could be human again. She was herself when he was around.

Kouga could not touch him.

As she walked by him, there was a zap, a warning shot, but he did not back away.

Instead, he watched her walk away while the nagging feeling in his chest refused to go away.

Something was off, something was wrong - but he could not tell what it was.

He should leave.

She was right.

But somehow, he was reluctant to walk away. Something had called him here and something was keeping him here.

He had to figure out what it was - even if it brought more torture.

Maybe she would be true to her words, maybe she would use her powers against him.

Then he would be free.

-M-


	9. Ramblin' Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I was away for the weekend!

"Mommy! My duck!"

Kagome giggled as she exaggerated a very shocked expression. Her eyes widened, showing the white, and she clapped her cheeks with her hands. "Oh no, the duck!"

Haru had a routine when it came to his bath time and it included his duck. Her laughter echoed through as she stretched across the tiles of the bathroom to retrieve it. She threw it in the water, splashing water on him as it landed near his chest. A grin immediately formed on his features and he beamed with happiness as he ducked it into the water.

She was making an effort. She was trying to be more home and she was putting aside the habits that she desperately needed. Ever since she had seen _him_ , she wanted to go on a rampage. The problem was, she did not want to leave her son without any surveillance. If Kouga got too close, he might know and she could not let that happen. It meant there could not be any escape in the nights or after work and she had to stay away from alcohol. The later was harder than the former. The last few fucks she had were not great, but - drinking was always great. Especially when she was this nervous and this much of a wreck.

Regardless, she had to hold it together for her son and she would.

She leaned forward, tangling a hand in his brown locks before tousling it. As she did so, she made a horrifying discovery; pointy ears. Panic took hold of her and this time she did not have to fake her panic; it was real.

"Haru?"

"Mommy?"

She inhaled deeply, hoping to appear as normal as possible. She had tried to normalize his more youkai attributes. He did not know much about it, mostly because he was still too young to ask questions. She was hoping to keep it that way for as long as possible. She knew about youkais - a bit - and she could probably do enough to ask the few questions he might have. Of course, she did not have anybody to help her and guide her through what raising a youkai was like. Unfortunately, it was a task she had to do on her own. Although, considering how much she was concealing that part of him, she might never have to deal with it.

"How long have your teeth been showing?"

He dropped the duck he had been holding and then, quickly covered his mouth with his hands as though he was ashamed of them. All he could do was offer her a shrug as an answer. He did not notice his fangs. He never noticed when they came back. It did not bring him pain, it did not do anything.

Kagome reached into the water and retrieved his foot. She slightly elevated it above the water level and checked under his foot; the writing was nearly wiped away. It was erasing itself quicker and quicker each time now. In one of her grandfather's old books, she had found a sealing spell. She had nobody to explain it to her, so she went through a lot of trials and errors. In the end, she doubted it did the sealing she required it to do, but it did conceal the most obvious attributes; the claws and the fangs. Alas, she had absolutely no control over the spell. She would write it, infusing it with her own light powers, and hope it would last as long as possible.

Actually, she was simply hoping that it did not go away while they were in the middle of a big crowd. So far it had yet to happen. Also, it was luckily a gradual process. They slowly grew back into what they were and it was never that obvious. Nothing came back all at once either, it was one at a time which made it easier. Although, at the moment she was more concerned by the fact that it was disappearing so quickly. What if it stopped working completely? What else could she do? Kouga could conceal himself, meaning there had to be a magical answer to all of this. Unluckily, she could not ask him any of those questions.

Because then he would found out about Haru.

She sighed as she reached out for her son's tiny wrists. "You don't have to hide them," she said as she brought his hands back down.

Kagome did feel a ping of guilt in her chest. Her constant worries about his youkai attributes made him ashamed of them - as though he had done something wrong. But the only one who had done anything wrong was her. Unfortunately, him needing to hide them, and feeling the pressure to do so was the only thing that worked for the time being. She needed him to make sure he was covering them and not showing them to anybody. It was cruel and it made her a terrible mother but she was out of resources. She was doing the best she could with what she had. If she could do it differently, she would do it in a heartbeat.

At least he did not have the ears.

She supposed he had her human side to thank for that. Although - Inuyasha had ended up with dog ears. Clearly dogs and wolves worked very differently. But in this case, it was quite a relief.

"Sowy."

Her heart broke. "You don't have anything to be sorry about," she said before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek. He was sorry for being who he was. She was going to slowly destroy him was she not? She was good at tearing up everything she touched. She had a kid who needed her and she could not get her fucking life together. She had a kid who needed help, and all she could do was tear down the self-esteem he had. Karma was going to get her for this.

"How about this?" she began, forcing a smile on her lips, "we'll finish here, and then we'll go have a hot chocolate with grandma."

"Hot chocolate?"

"Yes!"

He celebrated by splashing water around, some of it landing on her.

There.

When he smiled, when he looked happy, she hated herself a little less. She could give him good moments, she could give him a bit more than she thought she could. But out of all the things he was missing, she knew he was not missing love. She loved him more than she loved herself. She loved him more than she loved life.

He was her reason for living.

-M-

"You knew him."

"Yes."

"Is he?"

Her mother never asked questions, her mother never got involved in things that did not concern her and she had left her alone about most things - even her bad behaviours. She had helped her raise Haru and she had let her live with her secrets. She could not answer the question. She did not have to - but… maybe it would be a little easier to protect Haru if someone else was in on it. Kagome had to work, she could not be there at all times. If her mother could keep an eye out for Kouga, it might be better. But that meant telling a story she did not want to tell. For his sake.

"Yes."

Miyu knew this was a topic she had to bring forth carefully. She had vaguely asked before and she had obtained answers that were just as vague. But she had never seen this kind of fear in Kagome's eyes before. She had taken Haru like death was about to claim him - that was not good. If there was a reason for fear for her grandson's safety, she had to know about it. Something happened to her daughter when she went overseas. She did not know what it was but it broke her down to a shell of her former self. The whole point of her travels was to get better after her life had been shattered by the closing of the well. It had done the exact opposite.

Instead, she had returned pregnant, and shattered.

And the pieces had never been put back together.

On most days she held it together as good as she could but she was no longer the same Kagome as she had been before. She was - different. She was darker than she was. Miyu wished she knew the magical answer to fixing it all but she did not, so she did her best. She tried to keep her on the right path and she supported her as much as she allowed it. She hoped that one day, it would healed, that one day, the pain would be forgotten. Maybe knowing the full story would actually help.

"Why is he here? Does he know about Haru?"

Kagome shook her head; it was her only relief. "He thinks I had a kid with someone else."

"He can't tell that he's _not human_?"

Kagome shook her head. "I'm guessing the concealing spell hides that as well." If it hid the features, it would make sense that it masked the aura as well. She had not understood all the writing that came with the scrolls. If only her grandfather was still around. She had been upset more than once at the way he kept pushing her about the miko powers and the scrolls but if she had listened, she would be in a better position at the moment. It was too late for more regrets.

"Good." Kagome had her flaws but she was not irrational, if she thought there was a good reason the father should not know, she trusted her. She would not simply keep Haru away from his father because she felt like it. "And do you think he'll come back?"

She wanted to say no but there was a part of her that did not believe fate was this kind to her. Already she thought she was safe because he was continents away and it did not work. She was beginning to believe that there was simply no way for her to escape him. He would always come back in her life in one way or another. Their meeting was unexpected and him coming back was unexpected. They were bound to run into each other. "I'm not sure."

"Why is he here?"

"One of his friends dead." Or - well, she was a bit iffy about that but she knew better than to start up a whole conversation with him and so she did not.

"So he'll be leaving again?"

"I think so." _Oh dear god she hoped that he would_.

"Okay, until then, we will simply keep a closer eye on Haru." She loved her grandson and now that her father in law was gone and her son was off the school, Kagome and him were all she had left around her. She had helped Kagome raised him and she felt very protective of him. She would not let any harm come to him. She might not have been able to help her daughter as much as she would have liked but she was not letting the same mistake repeat itself twice. That man would not hurt Haru.

Kagome nodded. "Do you remember what he looked like?"

"Tall, brown hair, blue eyes." He looked like Haru but she did not want to say it. At first she had not noticed but now that she thought back about it, the resemblance was there and it was hard to ignore it. She should have known.

"Yes." The same blue eyes as her son. She could not give Kouga a chance to get too many looks at him. He might notice it despite the lack of evidences. She did not know what he would do but she refused to put her son in that situation. She had to protect him.

"And the… spell?"

"I did it again before he went to bed."

She had done her best to not making him feel too ashamed but she was not quite sure it had worked. At least he had been distracted by the hot chocolate. She was not a fan of packing him with sugar but the guilt had gotten the best of her.

"Is he sleeping now?"

She nodded. "I'm a terrible mother."

"Kagome, you're doing the best you can."

Miyu had also made mistakes. She had not expected to be a single mother after the birth of Souta. She had not enough time, not enough help and she had been nursing a heartbreak. She had done the best that she could as well. She could not hold Kagome's mistakes against her - and she would never do that. Maybe if Kagome believed in herself more and perhaps if she did not put herself down constantly, she might actually get better. She was letting all of the bad drag her down and it was taking an important toll on her. She needed to climb back up the hill and see that there was more good to come for her.

"Am I though?"

On some days, she wondered if her son would not be better off without her. Did she truly bring him enough to take care of him and make him happy?

Miyu covered her daughter's hand with her own, trying to re-assure her. "You are." She knew a few words could not cut it but unfortunately there was nothing she could say to change her mind. Kagome would have to see by herself that she was a good mother. "Now, what do I need to know about him?"

Was she about to go there? She could not possibly tell her mother the whole story between her and Kouga. She did not want to think about it and most of all, she did not want to remember it. She was asking her mother to protect Haru against him. Perhaps she could warn her a little. She could tell her what there was to know about him, about the person he had become and the many problems he had. Maybe it would help her understand why he was nuisance for Haru and what kind of bad influence he would be.

She was not crazy.

Kouga could not be a father. She could not be a mother either but at least she did not run.

She stayed and she was doing all that she could for her son, devoting herself to him. Kouga did not have it in him to care for something else. He might for a moment want to stay, want to meet him but he would run. And when he would run, he would hurt their son and she could not let him do that. Kouga wrecked everything that he touched and Haru would be no different. She would never give him the opportunity to do it.

"He's a wolf."

And thus began the long tale of Kouga.

-M-

Smoke surrounded her as she drew out another moment of peace with her cigarettes. She could not remember the last time she had been this on edge and honestly, it was slowly driving her into madness. She was sitting in the stairs by the library and she was slowly tapping her foot on the marble step. She meant to calm down, she meant to stop staring at every passing person like she was a complete lunatic but it was harder than anticipated. He would not follow her to work; she had answered all of his questions and she had clearly warned him to stay away. He would be a fool to come to her again.

Plus why in the world would he be so interested in her? He had chased her away as rapidly as possible. He should not want anything to do with her.

"Kagome?"

For fuck's sake. Her break was not even over yet; why were they already dragging her back in? "Yes?" she answered as politely as she could muster. She needed those fifteen minutes away from civilization. Especially right now.

"Someone needs you inside."

Great, she would have to deal with another moron who did not know how a library worked. Or worst case, someone who lost a book and now was going to fight about it and say they are not responsible for it. As if she had the patience to deal with idiots today. She had enough going on. She let a sigh pass her lips as she tossed her cigarette on the ground. She crushed it with her foot before following her colleague back inside.

"This is Kagome, she'll be able to help you."

Except, it was not a moron and it was not someone who needed help learning how to search in a library. It was Kouga.

Her eyes widened, her breath was cut short and she held his gaze, unable to move or to speak. He had chased her away, he had rendered her life completely miserable and now he could not leave her the fuck alone? And she could not even yell at him or purify him to pieces because she could not do that at her work place.

"Found what you were looking for?" she mumbled with tight lips.

He could tell she was not happy to see him and to be absolutely honest he was not happy he was here either. He had spent the last two days stalking her. He watched her from the windows of the shrine, and he followed her to work. He did not want to do any of this; it was an instinct deep inside of him that was stronger than anything else. He wanted to know what she did, where she went and who she was. Despite the fact that she had reeked of sex and another male, he had yet to see her with that other male. She was alone at the shrine and she was alone at work. Could it be that she was no longer with the father of the boy?

Or was he… a mistake?

If she was doing what he thought she was, she could have easily been reckless. Although he had to admit, he was quite surprise that she would keep it. He always thought of her as a mother but he never pictured her being this kind of mother. She had taken in that little orphan fox and she had been a mother to it. He had let her go because he thought she should heal and she should have proper family life and a proper husband. She was his and he let her go because she deserved better but she had not gone and gotten herself something better. Instead, she had ruined her life further and she had brought a kid into it.

He was not the same Kouga and she was not the same Kagome.

He needed to stay away and yet, the bond inside of him kept calling him back to her. It was much easier when there were continents and oceans between them. Now - now that he knew where she was his primal instincts refused to let her go. But he had to let her go because she was not his to have. He was a mess, he was a no good piece of shit. It did not matter how screwed up her life seemed to be at the moment. It did not change the fact that she deserved so much better than him. She deserved more than all of this.

"No."

Because he did not know what he was looking for - he did not know what he wanted.

Actually he did. He wanted for his life to not be this. He wanted to be the one laying in a coffin but he was always too chicken to end it. He wanted to be done with this shit but everything he did dragged him further into the darkness and she was no exception.

"Leave," she whispered, hoping nobody would hear her speak. "I told you to get the fuck out of my life." Much like he had told her.

"Yea."

But it was not an answer - he was just confirming that she had warned him. "You told me to leave, I did. _You leave_."

He should do as she said. He should turn around walk away and fuck everything. Fuck Ginta's funeral, fuck confirming that his brother had indeed been alive. He should walk away from her before he no longer could pull away. But he was not. He was angry; there was a rage seeping inside of his chest and he wanted to take it out on her. Why had she shown up after so many years? Why did she have to be a familiar face he wanted to hold on to? And why - why did he not have memories of her that were stained. It would have made it so much easier to turn her around.

But he always had a weakness for her.

And she was going to destroy him.

" _Go_." She did not want to shout but she could already feel her powers tingling at her fingertips. She was not one to use her powers but he had shown her how to use it and he had shown her he wanted the pain. She could do it and not feel guilty and it was wise for him to not push her.

"I'll see you," he said as he turned from her.

Not here. He could not do everything he wanted to do here.

 _He'd find her again_.

-M-

A family.

A fucking family.

He wrapped his fingers around the flimsy glass and down whatever alcohol was in it. He did not think the biggest shock was seeing that Ginta had been alive - although who the fuck knew how he made it out. No. It was not even the fact that his brother never tried to find him. Not that either. It was the fact that he went on and had his own fucking family. He had suffered just as much as Kouga had. Heck, he had been left for dead. He remembered his head - his head - he had been dead. And somehow, somehow he pulled through all that.

Then again, his memories from that time were hazy at best. Nightmares that would haunt him for the rest of his life. There was always a filter of blur over them. But he was sure of one thing; Ginta's time had been as hellish as his. And yet - he had a family. He had fucking cubs and a mate - and… how the fuck did he get all that. Kouga had always valued his pack and his brothers but he had also always been convinced that out of all of them, he had been the strong one, the one to make it. He had been the alpha after all. And yet, Ginta - Ginta had shut it all away. He had left it all behind, Kouga included and he had made a new life for himself.

One that did not hold the past.

Bullshit.

That was not possible.

"Another," he slurred. Fuck it. If he had to, he would spent all the fucking money he had left and he would drink until this made sense.

He had tried. He had thought - he had thought he could be normal but he soon learned that he could not. Even Kagome's light had not been bright enough to tame the wildness inside of him. He was a broken piece of shit and nothing else could be done with him. How had Ginta shredded who he was and how did he become something new? _It was not fucking fair_. Before he knew it, he had punched a hole through the counter. _Fuck_. He could feel splints of wood stuck in his hand and he knew this would not be a fun conversation.

"Hey buddy, I think you've had more than enough. _And that shit ain't free_."

He exhaled loudly out of his nose, his nostrils flaring. Considering how on edge he was, he wanted nothing more than to smash his head against the counter until blood spilled out of it. _But_ if he wanted to stay here, he could not. Even if he wanted to leave - he could not bring attention upon himself. He had to be discreet if he wanted to one day return to his life off of the grid. He crisped his hands into fists, letting the rage flow through him. _Hold yourself back_ , he reminded himself. Finally, as the barmaid was waving his hand in front of his face - clearly provoking him - Kouga reached out for his wallet. He tossed more than enough money on the broken counter and got up.

He could hear the man speaking but he chose to tune him out. If he listened to his blabbering, he might not be able to walk away. He had to keep himself in control. He simply had to re-direct his rage towards something else.

 _A fucking family_.

People like them were not supposed to have a family.

-M-

Her heels clicked against the sidewalk with each step she took. She had to stay at work a bit later and she did refused. She was the only one working and they truly needed the money, especially with Haru. He was growing, he needed more food, more clothes - school was about to start. She could not afford to be low on funds. However, that did mean that she left her mother in charge all day and she did feel bad. It was her way of saving on daycare and honestly - it was the best solution. Still, she was not one to simply pawn off her kid on her mother. She had rely on her help but she had still raised him herself.

She hurried her pace and nearly hopped all the way to the shrine. Her head was low as she focused on the steps in front of her. She hopped them one by one, looking at them to make sure she would not miss one. It was not until she reached the top that she noticed him. He was there, pressed against the marble walls that surrounded the stairs, sitting on the ground. His hair was a mess, his head was tilted forward and there was a bottle in his hands. That was a familiar sight - except it was no longer her problem. And here - well here she could fight him a lot more than when he showed up at her work.

"I told you to leave me alone," she said as she came to a halt.

"He had a family."

"What?"

"Ginta had a family."

She opened her mouth and then closed it. She dared to take a step closer to him. He was not even looking at her; he was staring dead ahead.

"He had a fucking mate, and he had fucking kids."

At the mention of kids, she found her stress levels rising. _Why_ , why did he have to come to her with this information? He had come here to say goodbye to his friend and clearly he had. Why did he have to tangle her in his life even more? She was not his shoulder to cry on, she was not his friend. They might have been something at some point but that was long gone. She could not let herself feel anything for him. And yet, despite all those thoughts, she felt guilt. Because she did not know what happened to him but she knew it was hell and she knew he thought he was alone. And now he was finding out that he had a friend somewhere.

A friend who made it out better than he did, and a friend who never came looking for him.

She could not imagine how that felt.

Although she knew what it was like to be chased away and left alone when she truly needed someone. But then again, as she had often told herself, it was better that he was not in Haru's life. He would simply screw it up.

But _she_ could have used the re-assurance and the love and the presence of someone's else. They had not been in love but - maybe in another timeline, in a world that was not this screwed up, she could have fallen for him. He was her friend once and then, he was - something else. But she was never given a chance to feel anything more for him. It was better this way. Love would have only made it even more complicated.

"Sorry to hear?" she finally said.

He scoffed. "Yeah. Poor kids. They had a fucked up dad."

"Maybe _he_ wasn't fucked up."

"Trust me, he was."

"Why? Because you are? Maybe he did better for himself."

And then it happened. He tossed the bottle against the ground and it shattered; glass and liquid splattered everywhere.

"Because it's impossible to do better."

"Maybe he was tired of living in the past."

"You're one to talk."

Of course she would have to always live in the past - he fucked her over. He ruined her life and he left her with a reminder of what happened. She would never be able to look past their meeting. She would never be able to forget that he existed because her son's face was a constant reminder that he existed.

"Maybe I have you to blame."

"Probably."

She would never forget him because he had left a mark on her neck. Fucking other men would never feel as good as fucking him because they were not him. He had screwed up her life. But he had hoped that their bond was not strong, that it would not interfere much. Perhaps he had been wrong. It did not matter. A life without a mate was better than a life with him. She was still winning in the end and it was all he could focus on.

"Can you leave now?" This time her voice was softer. She hated him for what he did to her but she was not - a monster. He was even more heartbroken than before and honestly, she almost felt bad if she kicked him while he was down. All she wanted was to have him out of her life. She was not strong, she could not always put on a facade. She needed him to go before she began to break down. It was close; she was too stressed.

"No." He really did not have it in him to leave. He wanted to bring her close, he wanted her to feel the emptiness he had been feeling this whole time. He expected her to fight back but she did not say anything. He took advantage of the silence to get back up on his feet. He used to wall to lean on it and then, closed the distance between them. "Why do you want me gone?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He was unbelievable. "Don't you remember?"

He did. He always remembered. She filled his empty house with memories and feelings and he hated it. Every day he spent in it, he was suffocating. He chased her away because it was the best thing for her and yet, she could not even be grateful. He sacrificed a lot by letting her walk away. It did not matter that she was not youkai. If they had let the bond consumed them, she would have been just as bad off as him. He did it for her. And she did not know.

And he had nowhere to go. He gave all of his money to the bar owner. All he could do was go back home and he was not even sure how to arrange his trip back home. Maybe he could just sit here until he died. Maybe now he had it in him to die.

"Kouga, I want you to leave."

It made him angry.

Next thing he knew, he was pressing her against the wall, his entire body applying pressure against hers. "Why?"

She pushed his chest, kicking it. "Get off me." There was a buzzing in her blood, a need that was spreading through her. She had to get him away from her.

"Are you scared you might ask me to fuck you?"

"I wouldn't."

"It's not as good with the others."

He said others and she did not like it - it sounded like he knew more than he should. Had he seen her? No he could not have, he would have mentioned it. She needed to focus on getting him off of her. She kept beating at his chest but it did nothing to lessen the fire inside of her. He let his mouth trail along the length of her jaw, dying to nibble at the skin. Being this close to her was intoxicating. He needed her. She could soothe some of the pain. Not the deep one, not the one that left him fucked up but she could heal what had been created by her absence.

But he could not have her.

And then he was gone, like a blur.

She was left there, against the wall, panting. Her legs were quivering and her skin was dying to be touched by the false promises he had made.

She was so fucked.

-M-


	10. Oh, what a night

_Two men_.

She had fucked two men in the past two days and it had done nothing. It had not even come close to extinguishing the fire burning in her loins. Whatever Kouga had done, however he had touched her, it had lite a fire inside of her and she could not even deal with it. Instead, she was forced to spend her days bothered by it. She wanted warmth, she wanted his touch - and it enraged her. He had taunted her, he had made fun of her, telling her she would be begging for him. She had said no, but now? She was not so sure she could have turned him down. What was it about him that he could satisfy this craving that nobody else could?

She did not want it to be him.

She did not want him to be the one to please her.

She groaned loudly as she buried her head under her blankets. At least she did not have to get out of the house today. It was Saturday and she could remain home. Every time she stepped outside in the streets, she feared that she might run into him. Every time she turned a corner she thought she would smack into him. It was not good, it was not healthy. She could not live her life like this forever. She needed to see him leave, she needed to see him return to the life he had before. And she did not want him dwelling on Ginta and his family. Ginta had probably been better than him and he had probably wanted a family.

Kouga did not want that life. Kouga could not handle that life.

He could barely take care of himself. He could not sacrifice himself to take care of another life.

"MOMMY!"

And her moment of thinking and pondering was over. It was probably best that way. She should not be allowed to think - it stressed her and she had bad coping mechanisms when it came to stress.

"Hey pumpkin," she said as she pulled her head out of the blankets.

"Grandma said mommy sleeping. She said Haru, can't wake mommy."

She laughed; and he had woken her up anyways. Sometimes she wondered if he felt her slipping away, if he was afraid she might leave because she was so unstable. If he was anything like his father, he could sense her and maybe, although unconsciously, he could feel her emotions through him. Usually, whenever she felt down, he would show up. He really was the only thing keeping her grounded. If she lost him, she would lose herself forever. At least there was one good thing that came out of Kouga and the mess he left behind in her life.

"It's okay, mommy overslept." Mommy was not getting a wink of sleep and it was taking a toll on her. "Did you eat?"

He nodded. "Grandma make eggs!"

She smiled. "That's good. Do you know if she made any for mommy?"

He shook his head. "Just for Haru."

Kagome raised a hand and began ruffling his hair. "Well, aren't you lucky."

"I make eggs!"

She bursted out laughing. "I think I'm going to help you with that."

Before her sentence was even finished, he was already jumping off the bed and rushing downstairs. His speed was something else he had seemed to get from his father. Although, those were not things she enjoyed dwelling upon usually. Every time he got older, every time he learned to do something, she saw glimpse of Kouga in him. She wondered if he would look like him when he would be older. He probably would. And one day he would have questions and she would have no answers for him. If she ever told him, he might go looking for him and she could not afford her son turning out like him - or even like her.

She let her legs dangle over the bed for a moment, a familiar tremble going through her body. Withdrawal. She had not drank in over two days. She had only let herself indulge in the pleasures of the flesh. She knew she had to be better for her son and now he needed her to be more alert than ever. It was impossible for her to quit everything. It brought back too much pain and - and it was the way she was shown how to cope with bad things that happened to her. However, between the two, she picked the lesser evil. She could do less damage sleeping with random men than she could drinking herself away.

At least she would be sober, she would have a full head and she would be able to make better decisions. There was a part of her that knew that eventually, Kouga would come sniffing around. From their latest interaction, she could tell that he was not done with her. He would come for her again, until he got what he wanted. Unfortunately for her, she had a feeling what he wanted was her. He wanted to fuck her brains out. He might have pointed out that it was never as good with the others as it was with him but he forgot to mention one thing; it clearly was not as good for him either.

Why else would he come after her? He had chased her away, he had kicked her out and now? Now, he was stalking her, he was touching her and she knew he wanted her.

Then why break her down? Why make her leave?

Then again, it had probably been the best thing. If she had stayed, he would have found out about the pregnancy and it would have all spiralled down. Her life was better now.

"Mommy! Where are you!"

"Coming!" she shouted back as she finally got up from the bed.

There was no sense dwelling on the past. She had no control over her life, and she knew it very well.

It scared her.

-M-

"Mommy, look!"

"I see you. Please be careful!"

She knew her son was stronger than most and he could handle quite a few injuries. Actually, she barely could remember him getting a scratch. It did ease her worries as a mother but it did not mean that she wanted him to recklessly throw himself at everything around him. Also, she did not need him attracting unnecessary attraction. What if he fell from really high, everyone saw it, and he got up without a scratch? People would begin to wonder and she had enough problem as it was. She did not need anyone investigating her family or taking her son away. It was during moments like these that she understood why Kouga hid himself away from everyone.

It was complicated to not be human nowadays.

"I will."

"Adventurous little kid."

Her blood froze and her hands crisped by her sides. They were too many people for her to make a scene and again, she did not want the attention on herself. She tried to breathe out, hoping it might slow down her racing heart. She had tried to be on the high alert but she had no found him. She knew he had to be watching but - when her son had asked her to go to the park… what was she supposed to say? You can't go because your father might be stalking me. It was not quite a topic of conversation she could have with Haru.

A children's playground was not somewhere he could lurk. He could not stay by the trees and watch or some parents might come up to him and ask him what he was doing there. She had chosen a place that made him quite uncomfortable for him to keep an eye on her. Then again, _why_ did he need to keep an eye on her? He had to. She was everywhere and he wanted a taste. Plus, he was fucking upset and he knew if he could just get those legs around him, he would feel better. Although, if he got those legs around him, it would make it even harder to leave and it was already nearly damn impossible

"Leave," she whispered between tight lips.

Instead of listening to her, he sat down beside her and watched the children play. Ginta had some of those. And apparently they did not turn out to be complete fuck ups. He did not even know how that was a possibility and yet it was. He could not take care of a child. He would wreck it, he would break it and it would turn out worse than him. His life was meant to be life alone. Of course, that plan would have been better executed if he had not put his fucking mark on her stupid neck. Now he was like a dog on a leash, tied to her and it was driving him absolutely insane. It was not enough. Nothing was ever enough.

"I don't want you around him."

"Why not?"

Because you're a fuck up, because you're his father. But she could not say any of that. She feared that if he stayed long enough, he might see it. He was too blinded now to notice it. They resembled each other. The eyes, the hair. He had to know she would be smart enough to hide his heritage. But it never even crossed his mind that he could be his. He probably did not even know how old he was. That was good. She did not want him to know anything about Haru and she did not want him to connect the dots. She wanted him to stay stupid and ignorant. And she wanted him to stay away.

"Because you're dangerous."

He was after her and he would wreck chaos on his way if he had to - she had seen it. He was a much colder version of who he used to be.

He was indeed dangerous. Because he wanted her, because he needed her. All that because he sunk his fangs in her pretty little neck. That and probably left over feelings from centuries ago. She was the last person he had a chance to love. After that, the whole world turned to shit and he got stuck on her. Life hated him and life was punishing him. It was fine, he could handle it. It was why he fucked, it was why he drank. Although, her he could not handle. And she was right, he was probably dangerous around her child. A child she had with someone else while being mated to him. Still, the facts were there. She had that child with some guy. He was a bastard.

In old times, he would not raise another's man cub. Then again, back then, he would have done anything for her. Heck, he probably would have taken her in even if she had been pregnant with Inuyasha's pup.

But that was a different time and a different him.

Plus, he did not want her right? He just wanted to fuck her. He wanted to get her out of his head long enough for him to bolt away. It was the plan anyway.

"Why, you don't want him to find out what his mommy is?"

No. She never wanted him to know how broken and damaged she was. It took her everything to put up a facade in front of him and she would not let Kouga tear down her hard work.

"What I do with my son and how I raised him doesn't concern you."

"Does he know he's a bastard?" He loved pushing her buttons, he loved it when her nostrils flared. It was by angering her that they had the mindblowing sex. It was when he pushed her to her limit that it was the best. "Does his father even want him?"

No. His father did not want him and it made her happy.

"Mommy?"

She held her breath, panic flashing through her eyes as her son approached them. No, no, no. He had already been close to him once and that was already too much. She did not need them side by side another time. Her throat clamped up, sweat began to build on her forehead and it took everything she had for her to not grab her son and run away as far as possible. She wanted to puke and her guts were twisted as though someone was stabbing her in the stomach. _Oh god_ \- how was she supposed to escape this nightmare?

She liked her dry lips and offered her son a smile, ignoring the way her mouth felt like cotton. "Hey pumpkin, is something wrong?"

He shook his head. He had seen his mother talk to a man he had seen before. Last time, his mother had been afraid and now, she did not feel good - he could tell.

"Why don't you go back and play?" If she could not run away, she would send him away. He was safer over there than he was by her side.

But Haru barely registered her words - instead, he shifted his focus and looked at Kouga. At first, the older man was not looking at him but when he felt the tiny pair of eyes on his person, he turned to meet his glance. Kagome gulped a little too loud as they looked at each other. _He would feel it, he would feel the pull or he would feel that something was not quite right_. She could not breathe - she would choke, right here on this bench and she would die. She could not hear anything, not the sounds of the other children playing, not the sound of her own heart pumping blood at an alarming rate. _She was deaf_.

"Who are you?"

Kouga almost scoffed. For a little boy, he was not easily scare. Kouga did not exactly give out a friendly vibe and usually people avoided his path. This kid did not even care.

"Who are you?" he returned the question without answering.

"Haru. You?"

"Kouga." He did not know how to be around kids - he did not know how to talk to kids. He did not even want to be around them; it made him uncomfortable.

"Haru, go play." Her voice was shaking and trembling. Kouga had to know by now that she was absolutely nervous. Hopefully he would not figure out what was putting her in such a state. For her, it was terrifying. Seeing them side by side brought out too much similarities and she feared the truth might come out.

The kid looked like Kagome. Except for the lighter hair. He had blue eyes like her. "Where's your father?"

 _Asshole_. Why would he ask a kid that? Why would he put a kid through that by asking such a disgusting question? He had figured out by now that she was no longer with the father of her child and yet, he decided to make the situation worse; he decided to make her son suffer. He was not his play thing to torture. His current actions were only proving that she was right about him; he was not fit to be a father. He only spread pain and desperation everywhere. He would ruin Haru like he had ruined her. Tears of rage formed in her eyes and she glared at him.

"Mommy said he was gone."

He had asked about his papa once. It happened when he saw his little friends had a dad. And she had answered the best she could. Kouga was in the process of screwing it all up and she would not let him.

"Haru, _go play_ ," her voice was no longer loving and kind. She needed him to leave - she would deal with the repercussions of her actions later. She needed him away. Her chest was constricted, she could not breathe; she was about to have a panic attack if Kouga remained by her son's side this long.

He would see. He would know.

And then what would she do?

"Mommy?"

Her aura was intolerable. Kouga wanted to almost get away from her because of how crushing it was. He had never seen her this anxious, this nervous before. Her emotions had not even been this much of a wreck when he had chased her out of his house. What in the world? He was not going to kill the fucking kid. He was trying to annoy her and it was working but - despite his lack of soul, he was not going to walk up to her kid and snap his neck. He was just trying to get under her skin. He could not get a moment of peace and he did not want her to get one either.

Her bottom lip trembled and she did the only thing she was able to do; she panicked. She hopped to her feet and without thinking twice, she repeated her actions of the other day. She grabbed her son in her arms, safely tucking him against her and she began walking away as fast as she could. Her only protection was the many people surrounding them. She knew he did not like to bring attention upon himself; he would never follow her to the shrine, at least not know. She had a moment to get her son away from him and a moment to collect herself.

Although, she knew he would be coming for a visit later. It was okay, she would be prepared then and her son would not be in the middle of the crossfire.

Once he came for her again, she would be ready.

-M-

Haru was fast asleep, barely affected by the events that had happened earlier. It helped that he was young and she had done her best to dodge all the questions that arose. After a good meal and a good bedtime story, he had fallen asleep. Meanwhile, she had been forced to endure his nagging presence. He was not hiding himself; he wanted her to feel him. He wanted her to know he was lurking around. She was his prey and he was a deadly predator. She had almost enjoyed that when they had been fucking. She did not enjoy it anymore.

She knew exactly where he was; he was by the well house.

It was probably best to meet him there. That way it put some distance between him and the house - between him and Haru. Her entire body was trembling as she headed for the door. She barely registered that her mother said something to her. She ignored it, and instead she kept on walking away. Once she reached the outside, she felt the cold wind on her face and goosebumps emerged on her skin. She needed that; her skin was on fire. She crossed her arms in front of her chest as she made the dreaded walk to the well house.

She imagined he would be drunk.

It was already a surprise that he was sober at the park. When was the last time she had seen Kouga sober? It only happened for brief moments. Maybe he did not have any money left for alcohol. After all, he was not a very rich man and he had been staying in Japan for quite a while now. Hopefully that would also push him to leave. That and her giving him what he wanted. She would not anything for him to leave. If he kept staying, if he kept on torturing her, she feared she might return to habits she was trying to discard. She had to be a good mother for her son and he was ruining that. Did he not understand that Haru needed at least one decent parent?

She could not completely fuck him up.

"Why are you here?"

She could not see him but she knew he was right there, laying against the side of the well house.

"Why do you keep coming back?" She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream. She was so frustrated that it was bubbling inside of her and she had no outlet for it. He was messing with her mind, he was slowly driving her to insanity. Why did he enjoy torturing her? What was he getting out of it?

Her instincts were right; he was there. Except, he was done being calm, he was done being civilized. Before she could take her next intake of air, he zoomed in front of her. There was a loud bang as he pushed her against the well house, the wood of the walls creaking under the unexpected pressure. He had one hand on her waist, his fingers digging into the soft flesh while his other hand went up to her neck. He was not squeezing, he was not applying pressure; he was just holding her. His body was near hers, never pressing, never touching. _Because he disliked being touched_. She was already hot, her core wet, awaiting his entrance.

But she did not want that.

"I want you."

He did not. He should not. She was too close, they had been touching too much, especially the previous time he found himself tangled with her and he did not want to want her. But maybe, if he had a taste. Maybe he could find the strength to walk away.

"You threw me out."

"And now I want to fuck you."

"And I don't want to." Her voice was shaky as she spoke and even she could hear the lie. Maybe her mind was against it but her body was craving him. Him, the only one who could make her orgasm, the only one who could send her into throes of passion.

"I think you do."

He let his hand slid down until he reached them hem of her purple skirt. His fingers worked their way up until he touched her already damped underwear. He chuckled darkly, the sound rumbling through his chest. He inserted one finger past the lacy material and before she could move, he had inserted one digit inside her awaiting cunt.

"Feels like you do anyways," he added, his hand still on her throat.

She did not want to moan, she did not want to enjoy the feeling - and yet, she buckled her hips against his finger. The finger was not what she wanted - and it was not enough. Her legs were wobbly as the sensations were filled with promises.

"If I let you fuck me, you'll leave?"

She wanted him gone and it enraged him - but he could not blame her. It was better if she hated him, it would give him motivation to leave. "Yeah," he whispered back.

"Then fuck me."

She reached for the buckle of his pants and slowly began undoing it. She knew he did not like to be touched, but that hardly applied to undressing him. She got rid of the belt and worked her way to the button and the zipper. It was insane to do this here; they were outside, where anyone could see. It was a good thing it was dark and the shrine was so up high but it did not save them. Although, she did not think Kouga cared about any of that. He was too busy finger fucking her. It was hard to keep her mind straight as she fumbled with his pants, but she managed to set him loose.

Carefully, he slid his finger out of her and she moaned at the emptiness inside of her. All he did was lower his boxer and pants to free his cock from the constraints. _They were outside_. He was not about to get naked. "Keep your hands away," he warned with a growl. He preferred warning her in case she forgot.

"What if I wanna burn you?"

He did not answer.

He was dying to feel the pain, especially considering the hell he had been living in these past few days. It was tempting. But he chose to remain quiet; he wanted to see what she would do out of her own free will.

Kouga grabbed her underwear and snapped them off of her body. She winced in pain while he discarded them on the ground. He riled her skirt up enough to give himself access and then, without a warning, he plunged himself into her awaiting cunt. She was stretched, she was thrusted into like she had not been since he last fucked her. She moaned loudly, breathless as he rapidly slid in and out of her. Her legs were threatening to give up as he pushed and pushed, hitting that _fucking spot_ over and over again. She was dying to grip at his hair, to touch him, to just - anything, but she was frozen in place.

He licked her earlobe, his breath warm and thick as he whispered in her ear. "Do they make you feel like this? Do they fuck you like I fuck you?" Jealousy was pumping through his blood and he wanted to _own_ her. He did not want anybody to be allowed inside of her, he did not want anyone tasting what was his.

He slowed his thrust, torturing her as he nearly pulled out, leaving nothing but the tip in, and then shoved himself back inside. "Do they?" he was dominant, he was demanding. And she was falling apart beneath him.

"No," she answered, her breath caught in her throat. No they did not. She could not come, she could never be pleased. But him, one thrust and she wanted to squeeze and orgasm all around his cock. His fingers were leaving bruises on the side of her hip and she did not care. _She wanted more_.

"Good girl," he said as he bent forward and licked the side of her neck. He could feel the mark beneath his tongue but he ignored it. He was having what was his and his cock was pulsing inside of her and he wanted to empty himself inside of her. He wanted to fill her, he wanted to coat her with his scent so that all the other men would know who she belonged to - he wanted to ruin her for everyone.

He did not know that he already had.

Her legs were itching to wrap themselves around his waist but he was so peculiar - but she wanted him deeper inside. She panted, leaning her head forward, her sweaty forehead pressed against his. Why was he the only one who could make her feel good? Why was he the only one who could stretch her like this? Her wet walls tightened around his erection and she heard him moan. He should feel the pain that she was feeling. He needed to be more tortured, he needed to pay for making her life a living hell. She did not think twice as she pressed her palms against his chest, a bright pink light surrounding her fingers.

This time he groaned louder - a lot louder.

She let her powers flow through her as she slowly burned at his skin. It allowed her to let go of some of the rage she had been holding on to for years. All the pain she felt cause of him, all the suffering he inflicted on her life; she let it all go through her fingers. She was freeing herself from a part of the burden she had been carrying around since she left his house. But the pain she was giving him did nothing to stop him. He was still mercilessly pounding her, her ass knocking loudly against the wood wall of the well house. She relished every inch of pain, every twinge of suffering she felt from the hits.

It felt good, to touch him. She could not touch him without giving him pain and she decided to take advantage of it. She slid her hands down, burning through his shirt, burning through his skin and she only stopped when she reached his waist. He tried to recoil from her, he tried to push his body away but his mind was ordering it to stay where it was. He could feel blood rising to the surface as she never even faltered - her power remained strong through and through. He could feel her hatred for him through her fingers.

And he deserved that.

Before, she hurt him because he asked her to - now she was hurting him because she wanted to do it. And it felt even better.

He felt himself swell inside of her as she constricted around him. Every time he tried to pull out of her, she sucked him back in. She was panting by his ear, her soft fingers burning him away. And he wanted more, and he wanted more.

Kagome was lost in the moment, her juices spilling down her legs, her moans filling the silence of the night. It was not until she felt a pulsing inside of her - a familiar one - that she panicked. _Ohmygod._ She had slept with a lot of men since he had turned her away and there was one thing she had never forgotten; a condom. And now, she was being a fucking idiot. This was the man who had left her alone with a child, and she was fucking him bare. His presence was intoxicating enough for her to forget. The need for him, for his cock was so overwhelming that she had forgotten to not be a fucking moron.

"Stop," she whispered, the light around her fingers dying out.

He shook his head. "I'm not done with you."

"Stop," she tried again. She could not say the words she wanted to scream but he was enraging her. She tried to push against his chest but he would not have it. How was she supposed to focus when she was so close to an orgasm? The worries, the concerns; it did nothing to lessen the build up inside of her. Her toes curled, her head was thrown backwards and she tried to hold it back - but she failed.

She screamed his name, she twisted her body, she arched her back, and she came. He pulsed inside of her, his cock unable to hold back after finally being inside of her for so long. He wanted to empty himself inside of her - he needed to do it. It happened in the matter of seconds; Kagome felt him ready to explode inside of her and she panicked. She let her power surge out of her, full strength, and she pushed him as far from her as she could. He did not land far from her, but her powers formed a faint pink aura around the vicinity. She landed on her ass while his release spurted on her leg while he fell not far from her.

She panted out, watching him while he looked at her with red eyes. It was not how he had expected this to finish. His cock was throbbing and his head was swirling while the fire on his chest was slowly dying out. He breathed out, scrambling to his feet. It took him a moment before he was steady on his own two legs, her surge of power knocking the air out of him. He knew she had wanted to hurt him but he did not know she had that amount of power. He could still feel the prickles of pain traveling on his skin. It had extended far.

"What the fuck?" he answered, tucking his cock back into his pants. He had gone from finding nirvana to a pure rage.

She pulled down on her skirt, using the wall to hold herself; her legs were not steady enough to support her yet. "You can't cum inside."

"What?"

"Kagome!"

At the sound of her mother's panic voice, Kagome's heart stopped beating. She turned her head to the left and saw her mother running in her direction. What she saw froze her blood like ice. Her mother was running with Haru tucked in her arms. Once she reached Kagome and Kouga, she dropped to her knees, showing the boy to Kagome. The skin on his body was lightly red, as though it had been burned.

"He woke up screaming - and then, it was like he was burning."

Tears formed in her eyes and she dropped to her knees. _Oh god_ , she was a horrible mother. She had tried to push Kouga away, she had tried to - get him off her. And - and she had hurt her son with her own fucking power. Oh my god. She gently caressed Haru's hair, trying to soothe his pain away.

"Mommy, it hurts."

"I know baby, I'm so sorry. Mommy is so sorry."

"What happened?" Miyu asked, her own eyes glistening.

"I- I burned him."

Kouga stood there, pale, confusing dancing upon his features. She had burned her son? How could she have burned her son? She was a miko - he had to be holy as well… The only way her powers would affect him was if he had youkai blood and…

He stared at her. He stared at the brown hair, blue eyed boy.

No.

Nope.

"Kagome."

But she was not focused on him. She was letting the tears slide down her cheeks as guilt took hold of her. How could she do this to him? "Not now."

"Kagome."

"I said not now," she yelled.

Blood kept draining from his face and he wanted to wake up from this nightmare because this was not happening. Everything around him was numbed, and he wanted to be somewhere else because this was not reality. This was not his life. It was not possible - it was not.

 _Fuck_.

-M-


	11. Ain't That a Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi guys! Sorry, I went on a mini vacation of wild camping, and I came back a little under the weather, but I'm a lot better now. Updates are resuming!

"What the fuck Kagome? WHAT THE FUCK?"

Instinctively, she covered her son's ears from his words. This was not supposed to happen. He was not supposed to find out. They were supposed to fuck and he was supposed to leave. That was how it was supposed to go down. This was all bad, this was all wrong. She could not even think of a lie to come up with - how could she? There was no way that she had found another youkai to fuck in so little time. He would not believe it. And he would ask to see where he is. She could not lie, she could not get out of this. Everything inside of her was screaming for her to take her son and run. How could this be her life?

She kept her hands over Haru's ears, her heart thundering in her chest. She was frozen in place; in the game of flight or fight, she was losing. She was doing neither. She could not.

Kouga took a step forward, putting his hand on her shoulder. This kid was not his son. He did not have kids. He could not have kids. He had already fucked up enough by marking her - he sure as fuck was not making no kid. Nope, he had not. This was - this was fucked up. There was another explanation. There was something else to the story that he was missing. If she could just fucking talk, she could tell him what it was. He hated it. He hated her in this moment. He yanked her, forcing her to look at him.

His action forced her to let go of her son and as soon as she did, Miyu rushed to Haru's side. She protectively wrapped her arms around him, keeping him close to her chest.

"He ain't my kid."

She wanted that to be the absolute truth. Of course she did not want him to be his son. She only wanted Haru to be her son.

"He's not your kid," she whispered.

"What the fuck Kagome?"

He let go of her shoulder and ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up, his ponytail nearly coming undone. "What the fuck?" He had seen her. For days. He had seen the kid. She never said anything. She never told him that it was his. She never - she never said anything. If this had not happened he would have never known. He wanted to go back to that time. He wanted to go back to a time where he did not have a fucking kid that he did not fucking want. That life was not for him. This kid was not for him.

He did not want him.

He did not even want him to exist.

For fuck's sake he could not even look at the fucking kid anymore.

"You didn't fucking tell me."

She scoffed. If she had been shocked before, her newfound rage was bringing her back to life. "I didn't fucking tell you?" She blinked. "You fucking chased me out." She took a step in his direction and poked him in the chest. He disliked being touched? Well, she was going to make him as uncomfortable as possible. "And _you_ told me it was safe." If he had not been such a man, if he had not been such an ass, it would not have happened. He said it was safe, he convinced her in a moment of weakness that it was okay. She should have known better of course, but she had trusted his nose. He had lied to her, he had led her into a sense of false security. And now? Her life was different.

She threw her arms up in the air. "Was I supposed to call you?" She twisted her mouth. "Oh wait, can't do that." She tapped her chin, annoyed. "Mm, maybe I should have flied over to you, you know." She poked him in the chest again. "Why the fuck do you care? You didn't want kids. Your life didn't change. I didn't ask anything from you. MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT. MY LIFE IS UPSIDE DOWN!"

"Mommy?"

 _Fuck_. This was not what she wanted to say. This was not what she meant to say and certainly not in front of her son. _Fuck_. He was wanted, she loved him. On top of that - she had just burned him and now she was shouting. He was confused and she was ignoring him. She was ignoring him for a man who never gave a crap about her.

"I need you to leave," she said as she turned around to face her son. "You didn't know about him before. Pretend you still don't know." She wrapped her arms around Haru, taking him away from her mother. "We don't need you, we don't want you." She tucked him against her chest, his head under her chin. "Come on, baby."

She prayed he would not follow her, she prayed he would disappear from existence. Her whole body was trembling, her stomach was upset and she wanted to throw up. If she could think of a worse nightmare, she could not. This was it. This was everything she had feared for the last few years. And now it was here. She had to believe he could walk away. He walked away from her, he could walk away from Haru. He himself had said that being a father was not appropriate for him. Even he understood that he was not meant to have that life.

It was better if he let them be.

It was better if he walked away from them.

She heard no sounds, no voices coming from him as she rushed towards the shrine. All she could hear behind her was the footsteps of her mother who was following closely behind. She did not ask questions and she was quite grateful for it. Her son was though; he was asking for his mommy. But for now, she would have to ignore his cries.

She had to get to the safety of the shrine.

-M-

There was not enough alcohol in the world to make him forget.

And he did not have enough money to buy enough alcohol to momentarily forget either.

He was stuck remembering. He had watched her walk away and he had stood there for over an hour. He had been torn between going after and disappearing forever. He had liked the second option but in the end, he had never gone through with it. Instead, he had found a bar, one where he had not caused a wreck, and he had ordered as much alcohol as he could. He was really broke now. He had nothing. But it did not matter as long as he had a nice honey colored liquid burning his throat. It was all he wanted. More and more of it. He knew his speech was slurred by now, but his mind was not numb to the new knowledge.

Which fucking sucked because he had run out of money and he had been forced to leave the bar.

He could have stayed and stole some alcohol but - it would have simply gotten him in even more trouble than he already was and honestly he could not afford it. If he ended up in jail, there would be too many questions.

Instead, he opted for roaming the streets of Tokyo. Maybe he could hit on a chick. He could bang her real quick. And then, he would have a place to stay for the night. Then again, he was not so sure about banging a chick. Apparently the possibility of it resulting into a kid was probable. He had been so sure it was safe. Had he not sniffed her afterwards? Had he been too reckless from the alcohol and the need for pain? He did not know. Fuck, he could not even remember. He had been fucking drunk a lot when she was around. The days kind of blurred in together.

But if he had known…

It was one fuck up after another with her. First he marked her, then he got her pregnant.

And she fucking just - she never came back.

Then again, she was not wrong. It did make him angry but she was not wrong. He had chased her away. And he lived miles away. There was no way to know and there was no way for her to tell him. But it did not matter; he hated her for it. He hated her for the decision she took. She chose to have _his_ kid live and be someone. Why could she not get rid of it? He smelled her; she reeked of men. And he had smelled the alcohol. She was not fit to be a mother. She might be less fucked up than he was - but… she could not be a mother to a kid that was his. That kid was bond to turn bad.

He tried to remember what the kid looked liked but he could not.

He could not remember his son's face. To be fair, he had not known he was his son when he last looked at him. How was he supposed to guess? He was not supposed to have kids - especially not with her. Then again it was clearly proven that he was reckless when it came to her. He had marked her - and now impregnated her. At least now he understood why she so violently pushed him out of her as he was finally reaching his release - and he was glad she had. One kid was already an annoyance he had to get rid of - he did not need two of that.

How was he going to go on?

How could he live knowing that kid existed?

Youkais existence was no longer a safe thing. This kid would never be safe. That kid would suffer and if anyone found out - he would pay the price. It was not worth it to live a life where - life was not a life. He would have to hide all the time. He did not even know how Kagome had managed to mask who he was. It was probably something awful. It was no way to live.

He could not let this go on.

Unsurprisingly, his drunken walking had gotten him right back to the start; the shrine. It was where all of his problems were and it was where he had to fix it. He could not possibly go back to his life without dealing with this.

Wait.

Why not?

He did not know about the kid until now. He was not even his responsibility. Why did he care if the kid's life was shit? He did not ask to have this kid. Kagome did it all by herself. She took all the decision. It was not his fault the kid was stuck with a mother who made bad calls. He could not let himself get wrapped up in this. The kid was going to suffer - and… that was the way life worked. It was pain and suffering for everyone. What else could he do to lessen it? He could not kill the kid; Kagome would never let him. She would purify him to death before he could even think about it.

This kid would live and suffer - no matter what.

Why preoccupy himself with a situation he did not have anything to do with? He might have gotten her pregnant but she was the one who chose to keep it.

Yes, it was not his problem.

He could walk away from it all and drink until he forgot it was real.

Except - he had tried. And every time his heart began to beat, it reminded him that there was a soul out there that had a part of him inside of it. And he fucking hated it. And he fucking hated her for doing this to him. She had no right to make him even more miserable.

And yet he was staring at her fucking window. There she was, on the second floor with the light still on and it annoyed him. His steps were loud as he climbed his way to the top of the stairs. He followed the light, his glance never wavering. He could not wait for her to come to him again. He had to go to her. He could not use the front door; the house had too many people in it. He would have to settle for something else; the window. He grabbed the ledge and slowly climbed his way up, grateful that he could not be seen by any neighbours. Once he reached his destination, he gently tapped the window. He leaned his heavy head on the cool glass and waited.

After a moment, her face appeared but she was less than pleased.

Regardless, she opened the window, nearly causing him to fall down. " _You_ have to leave," she said in a hushed voice. She only opened the window by fear that he would make even more noise. It had taken forever for her to calm her son down and she did not want to do it again. The poor thing was so confused and hurt that he had cried and his poor body had trembled. She had spent hours trying to soothe his wounds away. On top of it all, he had tried to find out who the _man_ was. And she never let the truth slip her. "Why can't you leave us alone?"

She had thought her life was a mess before, but it turned out that it was perfect. Now it was a mess. Because of him. It was always because of him.

"Why?"

She scrunched up her nose. "How fucking wasted are you?" His eyes were glossy, his gaze unfocused and he was leaning against the side of the house.

He was not fucking wasted enough. "Why?"

"Why what?" she snapped back.

"Why did you keep it?"

"He's not an IT!"

He was youkai and that made it an _it_. Plus Kouga did not want to give it too much identity - he would make it even more real. He wanted to be detach from it because he wanted it to be easy to walk away. He was going to walk away - this was only a minor set back. The news had hit harder than expected and with everything else than happened, he did not know how to deal. He never knew how to deal. This did not help that current problem.

"He's my son and he's real."

"Your son?"

"Yes, _my_ son." She poked her head through the window, closing the space between them. "He will never be _your_ son. You will _never_ be anything to him. And he will never know you."

He should be offended by her words, he should be defending himself but he could not. After all, was she not speaking the truth? A truth that they both wanted? He did not want to play in part in his life and she did not want him to play any part in his life. It was a win-win for the both of them. He should accept that truth and find some way to get home. It would be the end of the story.

"Why don't you leave?" Fighting. It was all they did. They did it when she first found him again and they were doing it since he stepped foot in Tokyo. She barely had enough energy to get through her day, to raise her son and now he was taking everything out of her. And yet, there was _something_ about being close to him. Something that tuned off a need in her. It made no sense; the proper reaction was to want to be _away_ from him - not close to him.

"I can't leave," he slurred.

She arched an eyebrow. "Why not?" And his answer could _not_ be 'because my son is here', or she was going to lose her shit. She would do whatever it took to show him that he did not belong in this life.

"No money," he said with a shrug of the shoulders. To be honest, he did not expect to drink this much.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You drank it all away?" She knew he had a problem, that was no surprise but… he blew all of his money away? Surely he did not want to stay here. He wanted to go back to his lonely life in the woods. And now he was stuck here, nearly sleeping by her window. It had to be some kind of fucking joke. Why was life this cruel to her? Why could she not catch a break?

"Well, you had my son," he pointed out with tight lips. If she had not told him, if she had kept it a better secret, he would have been able to leave. Instead, he had to process the news the only way he knew how.

" _My son_ ," she corrected. "I told you, he isn't your son - and he never will be."

"Yea, yea," he dismissed her with a wave of the hand. "Do you think I want it? I don't," he pointed out. "That kid is gonna be fucking miserable and he's gonna suffer. Then you can handle that shit." She was not going to like raising someone like him. She was going to hate it.

In that moment, she wished he was normal. She wished _she_ was normal. She could ask him all the questions she needed to ask him. She could find out everything she needed to know about her son. But he was Kouga and he was fucked up and she wanted him as little involved as possible. Already the fact that he knew about Haru's existence and their bond was too much. She would spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder now. But, it was the price had to pay for her mistakes.

"If I give you money… you'll leave?" She did not have money. She did not have any extra - but she would find some if that meant getting rid of him forever. She never wanted to see him again. She wanted to help getting him away from her son.

He wanted to say yes - both because it was the easiest solution and because it was what he wanted. The problem was, he did not know how easily he could walk away from her. He could tell her - he could tell her he fucked up and he bit her. But - considering how she was reacting to his presence… he did not think it was the way to go about this. Plus, did he truly want her to know they were linked in more ways than one? No. He did not. He wanted her to be able to forget him like he wanted to be able to forget him.

Then again, it seemed she would be trapped in the same hell he was for the rest of her life.

But hers would be shorter than his. Longer than a human - but shorter than his. Her pain would not drag on forever. He could let her live it, could he not? At least it appeared that she had a distraction that would keep her focused away from him. It was actually good. The boy made her want nothing to do with him. Was it not what he wanted? … But she had easily given into him earlier when he had fucked her. She had let him take her like it was nothing, like she had been waiting for him forever.

"Yes."

It was maybe the truth, maybe a lie. He could no longer tell the difference.

The only thing he was convinced of was that the effects of the alcohol was rubbing off and he hated it. He did not want one brain cell to be sober. He did not want to think about this, he did not want to imagine this.

Most of all, he did not want to see that blue eyes boy again. He was a boy. He was not his son.

He was not a dad. He could not be one.

"Come back in a few days," she ordered. "I'll have money for you." She was not a bank and her own bank account was near empty. She would have to figure out something, but she would. She did not care what she had to sacrifice to have him out of her life. He was dangerous for her son and he was dangerous for her. Now that he had taken her very recently, she could feel a familiar tingle traveling through her. For the first time in years, she had experienced pleasure. He had managed to light her body on fire and it was shuddering with need now. She needed more of him, more of his body and more of his cock.

 _He_ could make her forget all that she wanted to forget.

The only problem was… _he_ was what she was trying to forget.

-M-

There were grunts, there were moans. Although none of them were coming from her.

Kagome was silently riding her boss' cock, her hands holding on to his shoulders. He always liked her - he always tried to date her. Of course, never in a million years would she date _him_. Fucking him also had been out of desperation. It began when her son had been very young. Her mother and her had been low on money, bills kept pilling up and they could not see the end of it. She had cried at work and it was then that her boss found her. He had gently sat her in his office, he had offered her a tissue and he had let her vent out. She had not meant to share it all with him, but she had been quite upset at the time - and sober.

He had offered some help, some money.

The bank was never an option for them. They had too much debts and not enough to offer. They always said no. What her boss Akio offered her was a loan - one that she could get through him. Of course, it had all begun with her showering him with gratitude. She had even tried to turn it down at first, explaining that she could not possibly accept that from him. But he had insisted that he could help her. She had been desperate, and she had thanked him. It was then that he brought up the payment plans. He knew how much she made and he knew it was not much. She thought he would either offer her a high interest rate - or perhaps a rather short time to pay it.

No.

In exchange for the _money_ , she would _fuck_ him.

It was not much of a loan. It was basically just prostitution. She would suck his cock, fuck him until he emptied his balls and she would have the money. After the deal was struck she imagined it was his way of getting his power back. She had turned him down, no matter how desperately he had wanted to go out with her and he had finally found a way to get his revenge. Not only he would get to fuck her but it would be with him having all of the power. His ego would be safe. She should have said no. She should have had more standards than that but… they had needed the money and… she would have fucked someone anyways.

And so, she had sex with him for the money.

He was not often at work, she did not have to see him all the time. And it worked. Once a while, if she was in a really bad situation, she would do it again. It had happened about two or three times. She tried to limit it because she knew how much he got off on it.

But now, desperate times called for desperate measures.

Also, this was for her too.

She did not want Kouga to be the last person she had sex with - she could not handle that. For the first time in years, pleasure had filled her body and despite how wrong it was it had felt so right. She needed it, she craved it. She decided to chase away with the memories with someone else's body. Of course, it would never feel as good but perhaps it could mute away the feel of Kouga's warm body. And maybe it was the make him angry. He was trying to own her, he was trying to prove that if he wanted her he could have her. Of course, he had. But regardless. She wanted to show him she could move on, she could fuck someone else and he would not even bother her.

"Move your hips," he grunted as he clammed down his clammy hands on her hips. Her shirt was rising, slightly exposing her stomach while she moved up and down his cock faster.

It was never him banging her senseless against the desk. It was always her riding him in his chair. To be fair, she did not think he had the energy to fuck her senseless. He was much older than she was; somewhere in his late forties she assumed. And she knew he enjoyed every moment of this. He was not mean but he was not exactly her type. He had begun losing his hair on top of his head, which she assumed was a shame because what he had left was still a dark black and very luscious. His body shape on the other hand, had gone down hill. Or maybe it was never that in shape to begin with… he had a gut and beginning of breasts. He always sweated a lot when they fucked, dampening spots forming on his shirt each time.

But she ignored it all.

She was not doing it for the pleasure.

She was not doing it to satisfy her weird cravings.

She was doing it to survive and she was doing it to prove a point.

She slammed down hard on him, her insides only wet because of the motions and not because of the pleasure she was not really receiving. She wanted it to be over. One more thrust, one more slide down - and then she felt it. He twitched inside of her and emptied himself inside of the condom. _Something she would never, ever forget to put on with him_. God forbid she got pregnant from _him_. It was also why it was always _her condom_ s they were using. She did not trust him enough to believe he would not pierce one if he could. He would think it would be the perfect way to lock her down and trap her with him forever.

She did not want that. She would not even keep that child.

And she had kept Kouga's child… it was saying a lot.

Once she knew his orgasm was over, she dismounted herself from him. He remained leaning back in his chair while she bent over to retrieve her underwear, before slipping them back on. She pulled down on her skirt, as though nothing had happened and she looked at him. Sweat beads were dripping down the side of his face while he panted. He lifted an arm and used his sleeve to wipe the sweat buildup on his forehead. Once he realized she was looking at him, he offered her a small shrug. "Your envelope is on your desk."

"Thank you," she said, relief washing over her.

This was a transaction.

This was what she had become.

As she turned around to leave, she felt his hand on her ass. _A last squeeze_. It occurred to her to be disgusted with herself for a moment - but she stopped before she even let herself go down that road. What was the point? She was doing what she had to do to survive and to provide for her family. And now, she was protecting her family. She was already damaged goods, it did not matter how far she pushed it as long as she prevented her son from feeling her pain. She did not want him to know how cruel and painful reality was.

She walked away, intact.

-M-

"What the fuck did you do?"

"W-what?"

She was standing in front of him, in broad daylight, with the envelope in her hand. She was handing it out to him, but he was not taking it from her. She could see the twitch of his nose and she could guess what he was referring to but she did not want to be the one to say it out loud. She had changed her clothes, she had showered but she knew that was not enough for someone with his nose. He knew, he could tell that she had been touched by another man. His rage was her victory although it could quickly go south on her if it made him lose it. The point was still to get rid of him - not to force him to stay and assert dominance over her.

Because he had none.

She might enjoy fucking him and he might make her body sing, but it was as far as it went. Everything else was off limits and she much preferred her life without him in it.

Sometimes, she wondered how the old Kouga would have felt about this. Having her, having a kid with her. He wanted nothing more. And she wanted nothing less. And yet, now everything was screwed. They were so far from being the people they used to be that she hardly thought it was ever possible to go back to being that. She could not be reckless, ignorant and fuelled by adventure. She could however keep on sacrificing herself for the ones she loved. And he could not be cocky, light hearted and proud - because he wanted to die.

Those people were dead. And shells were left in their places.

"What the fuck did you do?" he repeated.

It was an odor that had lingered around but the closer she got to him, the harder it had been to deny it. And now? Now, he wanted to rip someone's throat out. It was not like last time where he could smell it but it was not exactly fresh. This was very fresh - this was recent. He had just covered her body with his scent and she covered it with someone's else. A beast roared inside of him and it was hard to control the instincts that were surging to the surface. She was not supposed to so casually fuck someone after they fucked. She was not supposed to get satisfaction from someone else's cock. He knew he had satisfied her. Why had she sought out someone else so quickly after?

"I did what _you_ made me do."

If he was going to make her seem like the bad guy, then she was going to put the blame where it belonged; on him. He thrusted her into this life without any regards. He let her leave and now her life was more than she could handle. She was doing her best to scramble the pieces and make a life with what she had. And now, he was demanding things out of her, things that she could not give. He had no right to judge her.

"You wanted money, I got you money," she clarified when he looked at her with confused blue orbs.

He blinked once, then twice, the meaning of her words sinking in. He felt something in the pit of his stomach twist and he wanted to vomit. "So you're a whore now?"

And it took barely a second for her to react. Her hand made contact with his face and they both felt the sting from it. Her because his flesh was hard and sturdy and him because of the faint pink light coming from her fingers.

"You don't get to call me that." She said, her body trembling from the rage that inhabited her. "You're a child, you're irresponsible and you cannot take care of yourself. So you came here, drunk with no money. I fixed it for you. I fixed it because you can't do anything. You forced me to find a way to kick you out of my life, so I did." She scoffed. "And you're the last person who gets to call me a whore." Before she had showed up to his little house, he had been whoring himself around.

He did not get to judge her. He was in no position to pass judgment on anybody.

She was _his_ and she was giving her body around like it meant nothing. Of course it meant nothing to her, he had to be rational. He had to think this through. He could not be reckless.

"Then don't be a whore."

"I said y-"

"You're mine."

She arched an eyebrow. "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't belong to you. I don't belong to anybody."

No, she did not understand - and he did not want her to understand. But his blood was pumping, his rage was flying off and he was crisping his hands into fists, desperate to punch something. She was not a thing. He was not a thing. And he could not - she was not… _ugh_.

" _You belong to me_." His voice was different, lower. "I made you mine." His fingers trailed along her neck, tapping the mark. He wished he could rip that thing away. He wished he could snap her neck and be done with this hell but he could not. His fingers were trembling, his mouth was like cotton and he was doing his best to hold his urges. He wanted to rip her clothes and cover her again with his scent.

This was wrong.

"You -"

He made her his because he fucked her? Kagome felt him touch her neck, touch that spot where the scar never healed and - _oh god_. The scar that never healed.

"Kouga, what did you do?"

"I made a mistake. I made a fucking mistake."

Then, there was a gust of wind. When Kagome's hair finally blew away from her face, she found herself staring into emptiness. Also, the envelope she had been holding was gone.

He took the money and left.

And he - he had fucked up? She clamped a hand over her neck while tears stung her eyes.

Was she ever going to be free of him?

-M-


	12. You Can Leave Your Hat On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi?

To say that she was panicked was the understatement of the year. If she could rip out her room tile by tile, piece by piece, she would. Her fingers were buried deep into her hair, fingernails scraping at her scalp. It was not possible. He could not have done that to her. He had not even asked her permission, he had not even asked her if this was what she wanted. If she kept pacing around in her room like, she was probably going to burn a whole through the carpet. But fuck it, she did not care. Because it explained so much - no actually he explained everything. She would be plagued by this for the rest of her life. She would never be free of him.

This was why she could not move on.

This was why his shadow lingered in her life despite the fact that she had not seen him in years.

He had made her his prisoner.

It was not fair. He did not want her, he did not want this and he sure as hell did not want this life. Well, she had a newsflash for him; she did not want this life either.

The moment he dropped the truth on her was enough to make her dizzy. She remembered pieces of it as though she was trying to re-call a movie. But that was not what she was trying to do. She was trying to remember her own life. Maybe she slapped him. Did she? She did not know anymore. She remembered how angry she was, the rage bubbling out of her and threatening to explode from within her. She probably did slap him. She was good at that. But then he left, because that was what he was good at anyway.

Now, she had no other choice. She truly had to get him out of her life. She did not care if something bonded them forever. She did not want to be stuck with him for the rest of her life. She did not care if she could never feel for anyone ever again. Is that how that worked? She did not even know. And she sure as fuck as not going to ask Kouga how it worked. She figured that the less time she spent in his presence, the better. He was not worth it. She would find him his money and she would make sure he would be out of her life forever. It was dangerous having him here and it was no wonder she could not ignore him.

He had made her his.

He never wanted her but he had the audacity of making her his. Who the fuck did he think he was?

He was a no good bastard. That was what he was.

A soft knock on her door forced her out of rage and she glared at the wooden door. She could not bear to talk right now. She could not even bare to look at anyone. She did not want to do anything. She had moments before when she felt like her life was taken from her, but it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. She would never be free and she would never be able to do anything else but _feel_ for him. He had to go. She did not know how she was going to pull it off but she knew one thing for sure; he had to go. He had to leave and she had to never see him again. She did not care if she was tied to him forever, she wanted nothing to do with him.

She would find more money. She absolutely had to do that. If she found enough money, she could guarantee that she would never have to see him again. After all, he already expressed how he felt about fatherhood and thankfully he wanted absolutely nothing to do with their son. Her son. It probably meant that he would not come back for him anytime soon. Actually, if he had his way, she was certain that he would have killed him. It was best in every aspect if he was very far from her and her son. Yes. She would gather more money, she would do more things she did not want to do, but she would guarantee herself a life free from him and his claws.

How easily he had pulled her back.

How easily had she gone back for more.

She could not allow herself to be this weak. She had her son and he was counting on her to provide for him, to love him. Yes, they were things she would love to know, things she was dying to ask but, she much preferred knowing less and not having him in their life. Plus, he was never going to help her or provide her with any kind of answer. What was the point? No, she had to get rid of him. She would never let herself lay beneath him again, she would never let him fill her up and stretch her up again. He was nothing more than bad news and he was too reckless. If it had not been for her reacting quickly, she might just have found herself pregnant again. He was not careful.

He did whatever he wanted and then he left a trail of chaos behind.

Well, she could not afford to be that kind of person and she could not afford to have someone like that around her. She had her son counting on her and she refused to disappoint him. She was far from being the mother of the year and they were a lot of things she wished she could do differently…

But in this case, she could do right by her son. She could make sure that he would never have to deal with her monster that was his father.

She would protect herself, and most of all, she would protect Haru.

-M-

_"Come on pet, rise and shine_."

_Despite the awful morning greeting, there was no light casted upon his small prison. Morning through night, the only thing he was offered was darkness. Then again, he was locked in a cave. It was not hard to keep him isolated from everything. The days had begun to blur together and he no longer kept track. At the beginning, he chipped away at the wall, his internal clock helping him keep track but it was now gone. He could not. He had forgotten how long he had been here. Too long, that was the only answer he had. This hell on earth was a never ending nightmare and from the looks of it, it would be his life until they decided that they no longer needed him. There were parts of him that still wanted to fight, that tried to find a way out but the anger was no longer the same._

_He had tried a lot._

_And he was punished a lot._

_Of course, every time he was punished, it only made him want to try harder. And harder. Until, there was no inch of his skin left to punish. They burned everything that could be burned, they slashed at everything they could. He was scabs, blood and scars at this point. He kept coming back for more for a while but now, his body was giving up. He might be a youkai but whatever they were giving him, whatever they were putting his body through was too much for him to recover. Injuries lasted, blood kept dripping and he kept on wasting away. How long could he sustain such injuries without dying?_

_Then again, he would only die if they let him die._

_He had a feeling that no mater what he tried, they would not let him get away with it. It was not as thought he had control of himself, of his body. After the little stunts he pulled, they kept him on a tight leash and his movements were more than restrained. But he refused to let them decide if he died or lived. He wanted to be able to make that decision for himself. They stripped away his identity, they took away who he was as a person, who he was as a youkai… He wanted to have one thing left and that was his decision making. Of course, at this point, it changed every day. Sometimes he wanted to live, sometimes he wanted to die. But whatever his choice was, he wanted it to be his._

_"Why so pouty?"_

_He had forgotten what her face looked like. They were trying to dull his senses. That left him blindfolded and unable to rely on his eyes to locate danger. And of course, they did not want him to use his ears, hence why they had busted one up pretty good. He could hear but because his healing was slowed down, he could not pick up the subtle noises anymore. The only thing he remembered now, the only thing that kept hunting his memories, was her voice. It was high pitch, drilling into his brain. Every time he heard it, his whole body would shudder. It remembered what would happen to him when she would appear. It was never good. It was pain, it was torture and most of all, it was a moment filled with her awful laughter._

_She felt no guilt for what she was doing to him. She did not even think of him as a living thing. He knew that things between humans and youkais had gotten to a complicated point. Once Naraku disappeared, all thought everything would go back to normal… but it did not. The world always needed a bad villain and Naraku could no longer fulfill that role. Slowly youkais and humans wanted more. That caused them to destroy each other's territories. The youkais never thought much of it. After all, if they wanted to eliminate the humans, they could easily overpower them._

_And that was their first mistake._

_Somewhere along the way, humans became more cunning than ever. They planned, they created weapons and most of all, they did not play by honor. They would win, no matter what they had to do to obtain that victory._

_They got sneaky, and they started snatching them away. It appeared that the humans were tired of sharing a world that they thought belonged to them. Instead, they wanted to have it all. But, in all their darkness, they realized that there were some of the youkais skills that could be useful. After all, they were strong, they were fast and they lived long lives. Lives that surpassed those of humans. And those evil humans wanted to harness that strength and power. At least, it was the conclusion he came up with - why else would he be fucking someone nearly every day? He was not sure if it was to figure it out through the babes, or if it was to mingle humans and youkais._

_Although it worked out in the cases of some, hanyous did not always turn out great. Some did not live, some were monsters and some were out of control. If it was their intention…it felt like a risky business._

_"You know I don't like it when you ignore me."_

_He could feel a sharp blade being dragged along side of his skin, piercing through fresh wounds and drawing out blood. His own blood was warm as it leaked down his back, and it caused a trail of goosebumps to appear on his skin._

_"You know, I'm gonna think that your little friend isn't working."_

_His little friend was working just fine._

_"All the others have managed to do something with it. You haven't."_

_Since he could not recall how long he had been here, he could not recall how many females he had fucked. His senses were so dull that he could not even tell if they were humans or youkais. At this point, it did not matter. Especially since he did not have the intention of procreating with none of them. She might think she knew everything there was to know about youkais but she did not know anything. The fact that he had yet to impregnate anyone was not a problem from his side. First of all, not all youkais were compatible, second, not all humans-youkais procreation worked. There were differences. Third of all, he had a certain control over it. He could withhold. Of course, he was not going to let her know that._

_This could go either two ways for him. They might keep him alive longer to try and force him to procreate or they might get rid of him because they thought that he could not perform._

_There was no way to tell how it would go._

_"Maybe it's the girls," she said with a laugh. "Then again, you can't see them."_

_There was suddenly the sound of someone being thrown on the ground and he crimped his toes._

_"On your knees girl."_

_It was not too long until he felt the familiar feel of a wet mouth on his cock. The girl wrapped her tongue around the head of his cock and immediately it swelled in her mouth. They had conditioned him, drilled him until no matter what, his cock would rise to the occasion. It never mattered how much pain he was in, how much he wanted to avoid it. Once there was a mouth or a cunt, he was here for it. Every day, they turned him more and more into their puppet and he was hopeless to stop it all. It was why he had to get out of here, or why he had to die. If this went on any longer, he did not know what he would turn into. Himself? Nothingness?_

_And then, he was pulled from his thoughts when his cock was slid into a tight, wet cunt._

_It was the same thing. He was there, tied up to a chair while the girl rode his cock until he came inside of her. They repeated the same cycle. Every day._

_Hands gripped at his skin but it was not the girl's hands. It was his torturer's hands. "Mm, doesn't that feel good. Pets like you like this no? Fucking in public?" She let her hands trail down his arms, grasping at his biceps. Every time she touched him, he felt bile rise up in his throat. He did not want her fucking hands on him. Sometimes she caressed him, sometimes, she pinched him. Sometimes pain, sometimes pleasure. She was in charge of what his body was feeling._

_"You better knock this one up," she warned, her warm breath exhaled upon his sensitive ears. "We wouldn't to get rid of you now would we?"_

_Fingers tangled with her messy locks. "After all, you're such a good pet."_

_He was not a pet._

_He was a fucking wolf._

The light of dawn pulled him out of his nightmare and he was forced to shield his eyes with his hand. He peeled his face off of the surface it had been pressed against - a cold metal bench it turned out - and he managed to sit himself straight. _He was too sober for this_. In his hand, he still held the crumble money he had taken from her. He had not even used it to drink. He had wanted to but he had kept reminding himself that it was to be used to leave. Because that was now his only option left. He had to get the fuck out and never come back.

She now knew as much as he did, and he knew everything she had kept from him. There was nothing else to be said and there was no reason to drag this on. She was not pleased about the mating, and he was not pleased about the child. They had both fuck up and it was best if they went their separate ways. This relationship was never going to work and none of those new details were going to change anything. _Yes_ , he had claimed her. But it was hardly his fault. She was, his. His instincts, although more dormant than ever, were still present. Whenever he was going to be near her, he was going to get upset and he was going to want her. Nothing was going to change that.

He would do best if he left.

He did not need more nightmares and mistakes plaguing his already weakened sleep. He needed to forget about it all. Including her and the fucking boy. He would leave Japan and he would never return it was the best course of action.

 _He had to go now_.

-M-

"Kagome, _fuck_."

She was at it again. Although at this point it did not mean anything… it was her doing anything she could… anything to remove the feel of him on her skin, anything to make her forget that he had forsaken her to be his for the rest of her life. Plus, she did need the money. The only way out of it all, was through _him_ again. Fuck it. Yes, her boss might now think that she wanted more out of this, that she was into him when she was not but… she preferred dealing with the advances of her boss rather than to have Kouga in her life. Plus, she did have to think long term. She was not going to make it forever on her meagre salary and her options became more and more limited with time. Her boss might be the solution to many of her problems.

His chubby fingers were digging into her hips as he was helping her smack down upon his cock. Her bare breasts were bouncing in his face as she rode him as fast as possible. The quicker she could help him achieve orgasm, the more grateful he would be and the faster this would all be over. She gripped at his shoulders, hoping to give herself a better grip and balance as she slid his cock in and out of her. It felt different, much different than Kouga's. But they all did. Thoughts of him swarmed her mind as she could feel her boss' cock twitch inside of her. He was getting close. But she stopped caring about that for a moment. It was useless, he was useless.

Nobody would feel as good as he did.

Nobody would stretch her as good as he did.

She could hear moans coming out of her lips but she did not know if they were from the way his cock was sliding in and out or it was at the memories of Kouga fucking her.

Did it matter?

For once, it was a little better than usual.

He used his sweaty palm to smack her ass hard, probably leaving a mark. She heard him chuckle, probably out of pride. She did not care. He was getting what he wanted; he was fucking her. And in exchange, she was also getting what she wanted. Everyone was winning. It was the point right?

Then it happened. She felt him explode and come undone inside of the condom. It teased a warmth that she could not have, and one that she did not want regardless. She made a point to offer him a few more rolls of the hips, letting him bask in his orgasm, before she detached her body from his. He was panting, his head tilted backwards, as she sit herself down on his desk, her juices running down her legs. There was a time when this meant something. There was a time when she would not have opened her legs to anyone. There was a time back when she respected herself. And then, she re-met Kouga and he took whatever darkness she had inside of her and he ripped her apart with it.

And now she could never be who she used to be again.

"Are you sure you're doing this for the money," he asked before licking his lips.

He was not complaining that she was coming to him. He had wanted to help her, and he was more than happy to get a taste of her again. However, these two times were really close by. It was almost suspicious. Surely she could not have gone through all the money he had given to her already. There had to be something else going on. He reached out for her leg, and squeezed it. If she wanted more, he could give her more. He had been willing to do so from the very beginning. Even she had to have a weakness.

"What do you mean?" she inquired as she retrieved her skirt from the desk.

"I think you like it."

He thought she liked this? Well, she did need it sometimes. She had urges and thoughts in her head that she wanted to kill. But it was not sex with him that she needed or wanted. There were words she wished to speak to him, words that she wanted to shout but she found herself holding them all back. How could she? If she lost her temper on him, she would also lose the money and benefits that came with it. She might also lose her job. She could not risk all of this and she could not be jobless. She was the only responsible parent her son had and he was counting on her making it through this _life_. She could not let him down. Instead of speaking the words that burn her mind, she held back her tongue.

"If I disliked it, I wouldn't do it." If he knew her, if he knew anything about her, he would hear the lie in her words.

He chuckled. "I knew it."

But he did not know her. He did not know the first thing about her. All he was interested in was her _ass_ , and the fact that she was much younger than he was. Even if she had taken him on his offer when they had first met… it would not have been a beautiful love story. She would have had to spread her legs open for him for a life of luxury. Yes, she was occasionally letting him _plow_ her, but she tried to limit it and she only did it in times of necessity. If she were to become his - she would have do perform this kind of act all the time. She might hate herself, she might have shed everything that she used to be - but she was not there yet. She still had time before she had to sink lower than ever before.

"You know, I could help you a lot more than this." He was slowly tucking his limp cock back into his pants, his eyes never looking away from his prize.

"I think this works for now." She did not know how to detach herself from this situation without losing everything she had gained from their relationship. If she shot him down, he might not take her back. He might make her beg for it and she might have to slide in a few ones for free. She did not have that kind of time to waste.

"It's okay, I like when you play hard to get." He leaned forward and slowly reached out for her earlobe. His teeth grazed against it before he sucked on it, his breath fanning over her skin.

Kagome held back a shudder as she waited for the torture to be over. As he was sucking on her ear, as though it was turning her on, he lifted his left hand and slowly tucked in money in the inside of her bra.

"I think they deserve it, don't you think?"

At that moment, no amount of money felt sufficient enough. There should not be an amount of money that allowed this slim to slide his cock inside of her - and yet… she was letting him do it. She offered him no response and instead kept her lips tightly shut until he pulled away from her. She tugged her skirt down and then, vanished from his sight without ever glancing his way again.

She was dragging her own life through hell to get out of another hell.

Was any of it worth it?

Would this even free her from the monster that Kouga was?

Somehow, she doubted it.

-M-

The droplets of water hit the white ceramic while she kept her forehead pressed to the wall. Her hands were crisped into fists, fingers twirling with her long locks of hair. It did not matter how much time she spent in the shower, how much the water ran over her skin; she would never be clean. The first times, she used to spend hours and hours locked in the bathroom, scrubbing it all away. She gave up. She knew it was useless. Her skin had been bruised and red from the scrubbing. And now, now it was better. She would let the water run until she could fake cleanness and then she would get out. It was how it always went. There was only numbness left behind.

Plus her mind was distracted at this time. She kept thinking about _him_. She had left her money in a drawer, hiding it away. She did not want to use it, she wanted to keep it so that if he showed up again, she could give him more. She had to hold on to that hope that she could get rid of him.

She could not handle two assholes in her life. One was enough.

Suddenly, she was ripped away from her thoughts when she heard a faint knock on the door.

She knew that knock. She knew everything about that child as though she needed him to live.

And she did.

"Mommy's coming out," she said with a shaky voice.

It was one of those times. One of the occasions where she needed to push down her misery, hide away her darkness so that she could attempt to be the mother her child needed. Herself, her life - they did not matter. Only that tiny human being mattered and he needed a mother. She could not afford to waste another second on herself and her useless life.

He needed her.

Her shaking hands reached out for the knob and she turned off the water. She remained there for a beat, the water dripping from her cold body into the bathtub. Her hair hung over her face like a curtain and she inhaled deeply, her rib cage shaking. _Pull yourself together, girl_. She reached out for the nearest towel, grabbing the blue cotton fabric and wrapping it around her body. Once she was decent, she headed to the door. As expected, she found her son waiting for her on the other side of the door. Haru was sitting on the ground, shirtless, his arms wrapped around his knees as he watched her emerge from the bathroom.

She walked to him, her steps slow and careful and then, once she reached him, she bent down to his level and stared into his blue eyes. "What's wrong pumpkin?"

He pinched his lips together, rolling them, unsure. He did not want his mommy to get mad at him. He knew it was late and he knew he was supposed to be sleeping but he could not. "Mommy, there's a monster."

She arched an eyebrow. "A monster?" He had the regular kid phase where he thought a monster was hiding in the closet, but he had gone passed it. He did not often speak of monsters nowadays. "There's no monster."

He nodded. "I felt it. By the window."

Her heart stopped for a moment. She knew of monsters who crawled into her house through the windows; _youkai_ s. Granted, Inuyasha had been the one to do that but… could it be? Kouga had repeatidly said that he was not interested in her or in the child. He did mate her but - all this time… he had managed to stay away from her just fine. What had changed? Then again, she had expected him to come back, this was exactly why he had kept the money. The money. That was the reason behind his return. It had nothing to do with her, it had nothing to do with Haru. It was all about the fucking money so that he could get his stupid ass drunk. Of course. She was such a fool.

"Mommy promises that there isn't any monsters," she says as she leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead. No monsters, only a heartless bastard. "How about you sleep in mommy's bed, and mommy will go get dressed and join you after?" The closer she kept it to her heart, the better. She did not want anybody ever taking him away from her.

Haru nodded, joy flashing in his eyes. He loved to sleep with his mommy - he always felt safe. Happiness beamed on his face as he struggled off the floor to go jump on the bed. It took him less than a second before he was wrapped around the blankets, the fear nearly forgotten.

"Mommy will get dressed, and get some water, and she'll be back okay?"

He nodded again.

She grabbed her pyjamas from her chair, sliding the money in the palm of her hand at the same time and headed outside of the room. She would get changed in the downstairs bathroom. After all, she had something to attend to - or rather someone. She would give him the money and then no more. He would leave and she would never have to see him again. Hopefully it was one promise he could keep. She hurried downstairs, and quickly jumped into the silky yellow fabric, not bothered by the fact that she had forgotten to grab underwear. Once she was no longer bare, she hurried outside - her son was expecting her to return within a few minutes and she had no desire to let him down.

Plus, it might all be in her head. It could be that Kouga was not there. He might not be lurking into the shadows, waiting to bring her life down some more.

She grabbed the sliding door, gliding it open before stepping outside barefoot. The cold air wrapped around her skin while her blue orbs darted into the dark horizon, fearing she might see a familiar figure. She waited for a beat, thinking he would present himself to her.

But he did not.

The wind was howling, the leaves were rustling along the stoney path but there was no sight of him. She wrapped her arms around her body, trying to warm herself. Had she let her son get her caught up in his silly childish stories of monsters? Perhaps she had let her own fear fool her…

But this was not possible. It was impossible that he set her free.

And yet, she let herself hope.

She waited, and waited… but he never came.

-M-


	13. Late for the Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry guys, I've been trying to divide between fanfiction and Original stuff for Camp NaNoWriMo. I'm really trying hard to finish this book to try and get my original stuff off the ground. Plus, promotion at work, changing department. It's busy.

 

He was a hunter stalking his prey, prying on her every motion and cornering her when the time was right. He had felt the calling the other night when she had ventured into the darkness by herself. He had nearly revealed himself to her but he had instead chosen to do it on his own terms. He would be the one to decide when he was leaving. She did not own him, she could not rule his life. Of course, he had already decided that he wanted nothing to do with her or the _child_ and he did not want to extend his stay in Japan but… but he also did not want her to be the one calling the shots. He would decide when he was ready to leave.

Also, she smelled of that man.

He had smelled it under the smell of the soap. It was the same man as the time before.

Not that it concerned him not that he cared that she was fucking someone else. Obviously he _had_ to care on some level since she bore his mark but… Kouga himself did not care. She could be as much of a whore as she wanted and she could spread her legs open to whoever she wished. She was far from the Kagome he knew and remembered but - it was too late to do anything about that.

 _Fuck_ why had he not left already? Why was he still here?

The moment she dropped those crispy bills into his hands, he should have been a goner. Why was he making this torture last longer? Why was he spying on her? He needed to be as far away as possible. He had felt something for Kagome a long time. Remnants of these feelings had tricked him into socializing with her, into fucking her. He had even felt guilty when he had tried to be with someone else. But he fell to his weaknesses and he took her and he did what his old self had always wanted to do to her; he had marked her. Worse than that; he had impregnated her. This life, all of these gifts, they were presents that he would have cherished in the past.

Now, he was discarding them like garbage. What else could he do? How else could he live?

It was no life for her to be tied to him. He would not cut drinking, he would not return to civilization. There was no turning back the clock or fixing him. And as for the child? There would be no life for him. Humans had not changed their mind. If they killed their own without any kind of mercy, they would not think twice about killing something they thought was a threat. They had managed to hide themselves, let the humans think that they were a myth…but one day they would remember and the cycle would repeat itself. That child was doomed. His life was going to be nothing but misery and pain and she was allowing him to have that kind of future.

Despicable.

_"Sad news my pet."_

_Her voice was enough to send chills down his spine. He was ready to foam at the mouth while her presence made his skin crawl. Although her statement remained vague, he knew where this was headed. The only thing she desired from him was his seed, and he had refused to give it, no matter which lunatic threat she hung over his head. He would not make a child, even if it saved his life. He was not about to condone a child to live this life, he was not about to threw another life into this mess. If his life ended because of it, so be it, but he would not be responsible for somebody else's misery. He would not be bringing suffering upon a child. Plus who knew what they would do with those children, what they would used them for - it was not worth the risk._

_Instead, he offered her no reaction._

_If he was going to be put down like a mutt, he was going to make sure he had some pleasure before his death. Aggravating her was the only pleasure he had left._

_Her long nails raked alongside his shoulder blades, and he was finally able to detect where she was. His punishment was neverending; he was still unable to see or hear - for the most part. He remained a domesticated pet while they did whatever they pleased with him._

_"See, I wanted to keep you," she began as she leaned in, her breath tickling the long hair touching his face. "But, you couldn't perform." One of her nails dug into his flesh and he slowly felt it ripping apart. He chose to not show any emotions. "What is wrong with your little friend? I try and I try, but you won't do it." She had been fairly nice so far - she was even willing to go as far as calling herself kind._

_They wanted him dead and she wanted him alive. After all, he could provide so much more than the others; he was an alpha. Whatever monstrosity they could get out of him, it would be the strongest specimen. They had not managed to get many alphas, and no one of them had lasted as long as him. He was stubborn and proud and that was something they needed. They had given her one more time to get her pet under control and she was not about to ruin her chance. This time, he was going to listen because he was going down. She was going to wreck his life, she was going to ruin him more than he had ever been ruined._

_And then he would be all hers._

_She slowly reached out behind her back, pulling out her knife. It shun in the darkness of the night and she could not help the grin that stretched her lips. The fun was about to begin._

_She waited, as the element of surprise was her favorite part, and once she was certain that he could not detect or predict her next attack, she dug the blade deep within his flesh, watching it split up, feeling the muscle shred beneath the pressure. Blood began to spill out, and she watched it, completely enthralled while it stained his tan skin._

_"Last chance, pet."_

-M-

He was not supposed to talk to strangers.

His mommy always told him to not go near people he did not know.

But his grandma had also told him that the shrine was safe and as long as he stayed above the stairs, he could play in safety.

If the stranger had made it past the stairs, did it not mean it was safe? But he did not know. The stranger was hiding. He could not really see him - he could just feel him. His mommy had once said he would have gifts. He could do things the other little boys could not do. He was not supposed to talk about it - only with mommy she had said. But this man was not like the other men in the street. Plus, he had seen his mommy with him. If his mommy talked to him, he had to be a good person right?

"Mommy izn't here."

He twisted his little mouth while staring into the bushes. He knew the man was there.

"Only grandma."

Still no response.

"Mommy says I can't talk to strangers."

"She's a smart woman."

He did not plan on talking to him. The actual plan was to wait here until Kagome returned from fucking whoever she fucked all day long. Then, he was going to take his money and disappear for good. Unfortunately for him, that kid was ruining his plan. How could he stay hidden if the fucking kid would not shut the fuck up. If he kept talking so much - and so loud - Kagome's mother or brother were bond to come out and it was exactly what he was trying to avoid. If talking to her was a pain in the ass, he could not even imagine how bad it would be to deal with the rest of her family.

And so, he talked to the fucking boy.

And how the fuck did that boy know he was there?

Kagome had been unable to locate him during the previous night. How did a boy with no idea how to be a youkai manage to locate him?

Fuck.

"So I dun talk to you?"

"You shouldn't."

He did not want to talk to him. He did not believe that talking to him would make him change his mind. He might have been a good guy once, he might have tried to save the world for the love of a woman but - that person was gone. He was back to the lowlife, human eater he was…. Minus the human eating obviously. He would never be a father.

"You know mommy?"

Too much, too well.

"I don't know kid."

"Mommy knows you."

She did not. She always thought she did - perhaps it was why she stayed but it was also why it screwed up her life. He had been so lighthearted, so fake. He had fooled her into staying, he had fucked her and she had believed him and she had stayed. She had been a ray of sunshine and he had selfishly tried to keep it for himself. He should have known better, he should have sent her away the moment their paths crossed and yet he did not. Now it was all fucked up.

Haru took a step forward, closing the distance between the two of them.

Kouga clicked his tongue before lowering himself to the child's level. "Kid, you wanna stay away." At this level, he could take a better look at him; the brown hair, the blue eyes, the pointy nose. It was there but he was blinding himself to it. They did not look alike. They had nothing in common.

But it was not what Haru did. Instead he lifted his tiny chubby arm and slowly reached for Kouga's chest. He pointed at the scar that showed from the collar of his black shirt and tilted his head. "You hurt?"

A long time ago he was.

"Nah. Fuck kid, why you gotta ask so many questions."

"Bad word."

Was he actually being lectured by a child? _His child_.

"Mommy says bad words are no-nos."

" _Haru_."

That voice he would recognize anywhere.

It only took the little boy half a second before he spun around and watched his mother with excitement gleaming in his eyes. "Mommy!"

"Haru, go inside the house." Her blood was frozen in her veins, her breath was stuck in her throat. "Now."

The little boy's blue eyes filled began to gleam with what appeared to be tear; his mother was upset.

"Now, please."

He vigorously nodded before running inside of the house. The man was nice - he was not trying to make his mommy mad.

"I thought we had a deal," she hushed out as her son went out of view. Why was it that he could never leave her son alone? He kept screaming that he did not want anything to do with the mating, and that he did not want that child but he kept hovering. What did she have to do to get rid of him? Actually, she already knew the answer to that, and she had already taken the necessary actions. "I have more fucking money. Take it and disappear. You can't stay anymore."

"Why not?"

He let his nose crinkle as he tried to smell the air around. He could tell that recently somebody had been inside of her but - it was not now, it was not today. Still, she fucked another man.

"You don't want your boy toy to find out?"

"I don't have a boy toy." He did not get to judge her.

"You reek of him."

"Why does it make you mad that maybe someone else is keeping their promises?"

He felt something inside of his chest snap. "I didn't break nothing. I told you how things were and how they were going to be and I told you the truth. You stayed, out of your own will. If you made up some bullshit fantasy, that's not my fault."

"You told me I was pack, I would always be pack." He told her he would be there, he said it. He lied to her. She did not expect him to be romantic, she did not expect him to be loving, but he broke the promise he made her, he lied to her when he told her she was pack and she would always be pack. He left her in the most horrible situation and nobody was there to stop her from spiralling down. He ruined her life, he ruined her and he was not even there. To this day, he was still ripping her life to shred and he did not care one bit.

He opened his mouth to reply, but no sounds came out. He could argue with her about a lot of things, he could even scream that she was a liar if he wanted…but about this? He had said it. He had a great memory, too good of a memory and he knew he spoke those words, he knew that. If he could take it back he would. Why would he call her pack? He did not have the first fucking clue about what a pack was anymore. He had spoken in a moment of weakness, he had let himself taste her sunshine and he had tried to hold on to it. But it had been a mistake - one that cost him and her.

Fine, he was used to being the screw up. It did not bother him to be the bad guy.

"Why does it matter?"

"It doesn't, clearly."

Because she would not have forced anything on him. Despite how raging mad she was about the mating, she would have walked away if that was what they needed. If they could not work - which they could not - if he did not want a child… she would have walked away no matter what. But it was not what happened. He left her broken, nursing a broken heart she did not know she had. No wonder she wasted years whoring herself around and drinking away; she had been rip away from her mate. It did not matter that she hated him or that he hated her. None of that changed the bond that united them. She could feel it; his hands were different, his presence awoke something inside of her.

She was tied to him.

He kept on fucking up and he kept on not having to pay the price for his mistake.

Something had to change, something had to be done.

"I'm going to give you your money, and you're going to leave."

"Yeah."

"You said that last time and you didn't leave."

"What the fuck do you want me to say Kagome? You want me to say sorry?" He could feel his control slipping. "Sorry for biting you? _Okay, sorry_. Sorry you got knocked up? Okay _sorry_."

"That doesn't do anything."

"Then what the fuck do you want from me?"

She was right, he should have left. He had not left and he could not figure out why. He had stayed away from her for so many years and it had worked just fine. The bond had not fucked him up, he had spent too much alone, too much time fighting connections. He did not need her, he did not need anything.

" _I don't know!_ "

Her answer shocked them both. She wanted him gone did she not? It was the only thing she had been wanting from the very beginning. Why was she suddenly acting like it was no longer something she needed? Kouga had been bad for life from the very beginning. She would not gain anything by having him present with her. He was poison, he was toxic, and he needed to be gone. If not for herself, then for her son. Her son was the only pure thing she had left in her life and she was not about to let him corrupt him. She would protect him at the cost of her own life.

"I - I don't know," she repeated.

But he was here now. After all these years, he was here. He had left an ache in her chest, a void that could never be filled by anyone but him and now he was here. How easily had she fallen back into his traps? She had let him take her like he had not wrecked her life. She had let him use her body like he was her kind lover whom she had missed. But he was not any of that. He was nothing to her and he would never be anything.

"I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't be around you." Her hand were shaking, her body was trembling and her voice was wavering. What was she to do?

"I don't wanna be around you."

"Then why don't you ever leave?"

He had made her leave once, and now it was his time to walk away. Perhaps he would realize that being chased away is nearly as hard as chasing someone off. No matter what, she needed him to remove himself from her life. She was trying, but they kept colliding and she did not know how much longer she could do this.

"I - tried."

He could have left, he could have gone away a long time ago. He was about to do it before he saw her. And then he had her and he tasted her and somehow he was still here, in this hell. He had peacefulness and quietness waiting for him. Why did he not return to that? What was this sense of failure, what was the thing that kept him coming back. He knew he could not be a mate, he could not be a father. Why could he not take himself out of the equation?

"What do you mean you tried?" Trying was not good enough. He did not get to simply try - he had to do it. She refused to have him take over her life, she refused to have him ruin everything she work hard to have. He had ruined her enough.

"I tried. I wanna leave. I don't wanna be here."

"So, _go_." At this point she was begging.

 _He was going to leave_. He was going to ignore the tug in his heart, the pull he had because of the forsaken bond and he was going to walk away from her as though she meant nothing to him. She had not bruised his ego by bringing up the broken promises, she had not hurt him by thrashing his honor. She was right; he had none. He was not the man he was once before. But, as he took that step forward, the step that was supposed to free him, the opposite happened. Before either of them knew what was happening, he grabbed her. His hands dug in her side, threatening to break the skin, as he pressed his lips to hers, ravaging her mouth. He expected her to slap him away, he expected her to use her powers against him, but she did none of that. Instead, she returned the kiss with the same passion he was giving her.

 _Push him_. These were the words she kept replaying in her head, but it was not what she was doing. Instead, she was fighting to keep her hands at her sides, not touching him. There was something about him, that - filled her. The void? The one filled with sex and alcohol? It just needed him, nothing else. It brought tears of rage to her eyes. If he had not screwed her up, if he had not bitten her - she would have been a better mother. She would not needs those vices to help her make it through the day. She would have made something out of herself, something that could make her son proud. Instead, she was this shell of herself, this thing that did not matter.

And he did that.

It slipped her.

She raised her hand and smacked him across the cheek. She expected that to be the end of their kiss, but she was wrong. As the stinging spread through his skin, he leaned forward again, attacking her lips once more. And again, she replied. She returned his fire and she let herself be lost in the sensation that was numbing her body. She could not think, she could not feel. She was taken by the moment, overwhelmed by it. How did it end up like this? She could not do this, not here.

"Kouga," she managed to say against his lips.

"I can't."

He had stayed away, he had done his part, and yet there he was. He was burning alive, letting the flames consume him much like he had done years ago. He was giving into the pain and the suffering as though he deserved it. _But he could not_. It was her, and it was not just her. He had to tear himself away. He had to face the truth he kept running from; he was _weak_. He had been lying to himself when he said he came here for Ginta. He kept saying he was here because he had lost his friend and he had to bid a farewell to someone he thought was dead already. But he was lying - as always. Why was the news of Ginta enough to tear him from the life that he had and knew? It was all a lie.

He came here because she was _here_.

He was dragged to her - he was forced to come to her.

He was nothing but failure and weakness and he lied to himself to get here.

And now he had to live with the consequences of his actions. Her lips were soft and sweet against his own, and he was losing the control. Of course, rage kept spreading through his veins as though he was fighting for his life - which in a way he was. How else could this situation could be described?

She was the one to free them from their own nightmare.

Her small hands found their resting place on his chest and she used whatever strength she had left to push him away, creating a distance between their bodies.

He was unable to stare into her eyes, instead he looked at the ground. It was time to admit the truth that they both knew. "I can't leave."

These were the last words he spoke before he did what he knew best; he ran away from her.

He left her hanging, left her dealing with the doom that accompanied his words.

-M-

_Get out_.

_He had to leave this place._

_He did not know how, he did not know when, but he knew his days were counted. Even if he died trying to make it out, it was better than the future that awaited him. If there was any part of him that was still a man, he would do it. He would free himself from the constraint of this world and leave it as a youkai, not as a puppet. He tried to tug at his restraints, testing them. He had weakened during his long imprisonement. They did not check him as much as they used to, and they did not subdue him quite often now. Maybe he could take advantage of their carelessness and free himself from this hell._

_Parts of him were begging for the sweet relief of death. He could not take his own life but if he died while he was escaping… that would be acceptable._

_He tugged once more, the rope burning at his flesh, but he was numb to it by now. There was no level of pain that he could not handle. There was nothing they could do to him that they had not done already._

_But he refused to let them fulfill their plan. They might be able to do it with other youkais, but they were not going to do it with him._

_"Such a restless pet."_

_There was a bulge of his eyes as he heard the voice. How did he not sense her? How did he not hear her? His senses could not possibly be that dull. He was not that broken down. Or was he?_

_"I have news for you pet."_

_News of his death? So be it, he could take it. He wanted her to take that knife she so often plunged in his skin, and he wanted her to end it. He needed it to be over. Each time his heart beat, pain spread through his veins. Each time he filled his lungs with air, his rib cage threatened to break. How many more days could he take? How many more times could she carved his skin as though he was a tree trunk? How many times could he have one of them riding his cock as though he was a mindless slave? Every inch of him ached in agony. He needed the sweet relief of freedom - even if he gained it through death._

_"You're gonna be a daddy."_

-M-

Fire - fire would be pretty. Fire would cleanse everything.

The thoughts popping in her head were not pretty. What she had done was not either. The well house was a mess. Long gone were the vases carefully tucked away. Broken were the scrolls, shredded to pieces. She had gotten in the first room she could find, and she had wreck havoc. She did not know how else to unleash the pain and rage throbbing in her chest. She had let him have her, she had given him money and none of it had been enough. He was never leaving, she would never be rid of him. He would plague her like a disease and he would drag her down until she would want to die. It was not fair. She could not afford that type of thoughts.

Her cheeks were glued and dried from all the tears she had dared to shed. She had turned her hair into a mess by repetitively tugging at it, unleashing the pain. She was also vaguely aware of some scratches she had inflicted upon herself but she did not care. Seconds transformed into minutes, and the minutes themselves turned into hours. She did not know how much time she spent on that floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, while she gently rocked herself. None of it worked. None of it let her forget.

Silence was all that surrounded her. Her throat was clammed up, all scratched up from the screaming she had performed earlier.

But then, her peacefulness was disturbed. There was a soft knock on the door of the wall house, loud enough to stir her away from the nightmare she was living.

"Kagome?" Her mother's soft voice was barely making it through the thick wooden door.

She wanted to push her away, she wanted to turn her around. After all, she did not deserve kindness from her. Her mother had done more than enough - including sacrificing her livelihood. She knew how much it kill her to see Kagome like this, but she never said anything. She took every hit, every drink, and she let it happen. She could never repay her - and she did not want to make the situation worse. She did not need to see her like this, this weak. She wanted to be able to put up a strong front, but it failed.

All Kagome could do was remain voiceless. Slowly she heard the door open, her mother coming in regardless of her quietness. Kagome stared at the floor, refusing to let her shame show. If she did not look at her, she could keep some of her dignity. She licked her cracked, dry lips, listening to her mother's footsteps as they closed in.

"Things didn't go well?"

That was perhaps the understatement of the year. _Things did not go well_. Things would never go well again before she would never be free again. She would be forced to live her nightmare over and over again.

"It's him again?"

She did not want to pronounce his name. After all, her daughter seemed troubled enough and Miyu did not want to make matters worse. Although it appeared that this boy - this man, would be a constant presence in their life. She knew that it was not a reality that Kagome wanted to accept but, she might not have a choice. Now, Miyu only knew what Kagome had told her about him - it was not enough to form an opinion. However, she did know that encountering him again had turned her daughter's life upside down and it had spread chaos. She did not want him to drag her further down.

"Yea," she croaked out.

"Is he leaving?" She asked despite the fact that she already knew the answer.

"I don't think so." He would stay forever, looming in her life, making sure that it was awful. And he would be there, so close to _her_ son.

"Does he want to stay?"

"No." That was clear enough. He wanted to go but he could not. He would stay but he wanted to run. He used to be more committed, more loyal. That part of him had vanished.

"Does he want to see Haru?"

"NO!" This time, her answer came out like a shout. Fine if the fucker wanted to stay but he was not getting near _her_ son. She did not care what it took; she would always protect him from Kouga.

"Good."

Kouga did not seem like he was in a place to be a father and her grandson was very dear to her heart.

"But mom, he won't leave."

"Can you ignore him?"

She wanted to shout yes, she wanted to say that she would keep a distance between them - but… he had put his lips to hers and she had given up. It was useless; as long as they were tied to one another, there would be no escape for her. The only way for her to obtain true freedom would be if she managed to break the bond somehow. _Yes_. Cancel the mating! Sure, she knew nothing of youkais, and the mating bonds but… she had been able to figure out how to hide Haru. Surely, there was more for her to find. She was from a shrine, she was from a long line of youkais. There had to be something somewhere that could offer her a solution. He was the youkai, if there was a way… he would have probably found it but… but what if the solution was in the writing of mikos?

Whatever it was, wherever it was, she could find it.

If she could shatter their bond, if she could cut him from her life forever - then perhaps there would be hope for her. She would not need him in her life, she would not be constantly dragged down and most of all? She would not need him and his body. She would be able to reject him, she would be able to detach herself from him and finally move on. No longer would her body crave him, no longer would she be a slave to the growing darkness within her. She could perhaps… be Kagome again?

And most of all…

She could be a good mother.

"Maybe."

-M-


End file.
